Tolkienreader's Online Journal

Where are you Mr. Right?

2011-06-06T02:15:00.002+08:00

How many rejections must I take...How many years will I wait...How many broken relationships must I endure to finally meet the right one?

Sometimes...I just get fed up with all that's happening in my life particularly with my lovelife. Why can't I find the one that is meant for me? I refuse to accept that I am not goodlooking and this self-esteem issues are way jurassic. But everytime I get rejected, doubt slowly creeps in. Slowly nibbling away my ego like a slow but painful death. Most of the time, I can survive the ordeal, but sometimes, it gets its way in and over my defenses and overwhelms me and I become shitty like this. Damn! What's worse is that it's hard to get myself out from this miserable lot.

I try to motivate myself that someone will come soon, that for once in my life all the decisions I have made will ultimately lead me to the one right one and then my pathetic existence will be a thing of the past, it gets easy at first. But then reality sets in and boom! I am really miserable.

So what is my cure? I distract myself. But my coping mechanism is somewhat ineffective. The fastest way for me to recover is for me to have casual meet ups and get high over sex. speed up the dating process. etc. etc. I get that its not a good choice but do I have any choice? I mean the other options would take me forever to heal and I don't want that. I want the fastest way to forget because I have this certain predilection of tormenting myself. Bad me. (sigh)..........

Just freaking come out Mr. Right One! I'm about to lose my screws and bolts here waiting for you. Geez.

2010-12-07T02:02:00.005+08:00

I wonder what happened to you...because every now and then you cross my mind...and I can't keep my mind from thinking beyond the box...from what should be...and when that happens...I instantly become morose...I am still grateful...for the past...and I'd be grateful still if I even crossed your mind too...but I can't be like this forever...I cannot wait for you all my life...because if it's not you...then someone else will come...and somehow I will regret that...because deep within me...I am sure...it is you I want...and no one else...but just like what I said...I wont expect...that's the least I'd do...regretful maybe...but sad is more exact...I can never hate you nor think bad of you...even if I have reason to doubt you...I just can't...so...I wait...patiently...until my thread snaps...I'd be stuck in inanity and wishful thinking...until I become enlightened.

A letter to YOU

2010-11-14T19:10:00.005+08:00

Hey YOU,

I guess after YOU have read this letter many questions run through your mind. Well, many questions clog my mind too. So we're like the same. But I don't think those questions are not meant for me to answer.

But before anything else, I gotta say that I am happy. Many people say a lot about the things, and events that happened in my life but I don't blame them. It's natural for people, especially those close to our hearts to meddle in our affairs. They may affect the way I decide on things but it's still me who gets to decide after all.

I esteem your perseverance. Your study habits I'd like to adopt but unfortunately I can't hehehe or I wont try. YOUr dedication to your studies is simply admirable.

I am happy that I still get to meet YOU every once in a while. My friends say, "here we go again" but I digress. I don't know the reasons behind the way things happen and I don't care , for if I begin to delve deeper into the reasons behind, when I bringing myself to understand why things are, the more it becomes unfathomable, the more it becomes complex. It kills the mojo if you know what I mean. That's why as much as possible, I never try to rationalize. Just be content that's all. So I am content of what I have right now. No expectations, no hassle. So as long as you want me to be in your life, I'll be there. No questions asked. And if YOU decide to go and move on, I'll still be okay.

And another thing, I wanna say thank YOU. I know you have a great heart. YOU may never know but YOU are a part of the great tapestry of people who weaved my personality. It's cliche though to say "never change" coz that's impossible. So instead just be who YOU are. coz no matter who you become I'd still be down with it. (Just don't be an asshole or I'll be gone before you know it hehe)

Always,

Paul

The MAN Gospel

2010-08-30T18:48:00.004+08:00

I'd like to share a post that caught my attention. I want to let this serve as a reminder, for myself, especially now that I encounter crossroads and roadblocks more often, and for others too. Read on.

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.

Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.
Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to
be.
Slower is better.
Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly
happy.
If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you
deserve
then heck no, you can't "be friends".
A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend. Don't settle.
If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
Don't stay because you think "it will get better."
You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not
better.
The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women.
He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you
any
differently?
Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.
If something bothers you, speak up.
Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.
You cannot change a man's behavior.
Change comes from within.
Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he
has
more education or in a better job.
Do not make him into a quasi-god.
He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
Never let a man define who you are.
Never borrow someone else's man.
If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
All men are NOT dogs.
You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two
way
street.
You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute
about
baggage...
Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.
You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...
a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals...
look for someone complimentary...
not supplementary.
Dating is fun...
even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.
Make him miss you sometimes...
when a man always know where you are, and you're always readily
available to
him
- he takes it for granted.
Never move into his mother's house.
Never co-sign for a man.
Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you
need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

2010-08-23T14:39:00.001+08:00

I should move on......

Messed up...

2010-08-22T23:52:00.003+08:00

Doesn't it suck to lose every time? Isn't it cliche to hear about failed same sex relationships? 'coz I'm tired of hearing it too, I am tired of the same, failed, messed up, make believe relationships I had or I thought I had.

Last night it was hard to breath, I felt like something really heavy was crushing me down. A sudden burst of panic rushed in and when all the adrenaline was gone, it was obvious to me that I am shattered. I am messed up. Isn't this line familiar?

It was all clear to me that I am not his priority. It was his studies, or his girlfriend, or some new fuckbuddy he now has, or I-Don't-Really-Care-What-The-Fuck-Is-His-Problem anyway. He is clearly ignoring me. When I try to console him, try to bring him to explain his sudden distance, he just denies, and for a second I will be content with it, but after that, doubt wins over and then comes the pain, like a flood, drowning, suffocating.

Now, I am trying to convince myself that what I need is a distraction. I guess I am right. I can't obsess about him all the time, I'd kill myself if I do. I can't be this messed up. I can't...I shouldn't be. I aint. I wont. Dammit!

Maybe its my fault? Is it too soon? Am I expecting too much from him? Am I demanding things beyond what he can only give? But what's wrong with that? If he doesn't value me as much as I value him, then he is not worth my time, my attention, my love. Now I do sound like I am really convincing myself.

I am dying on the inside. I am dying to see him. I am dragged down by his gravity.

Get this over and done with...I wish it was that simple. :{

When is the right time to let go...

2010-08-17T14:57:00.003+08:00

When is the right time to let go of a person....

When he has caused doubt?

when he has caused so much confusion?

when he has caused you to break beyond repair?

I am now at the crossroads where at this point, I have to decide on something. This relationship or whatever it is that I have with Mark, whether make believe or my wishful thinking, is making me doubt myself. All of the haze has dissipated and I can now see clearly that this spells DEFEAT.

When I already know that I am clearly defeated will I surrender that easy?

I am now lost in a sea of confusion, I can't seem to decide whether to let go or not...I need help.

I walk alone in this road holding this thin thread grasping tightly as I move on and as I walk I bleed for this thin thread is too sharp for me to hold I cling to the pain for I don't want to cut the ever growing thread I look back this thread ever growing, ever bleeding in this winding road alone I stop and think for this pain is too much I let go of this thread and I thought I might regret tick...tack...tick...tack and I remember I must go on I moved on but I look back and I see the thread Ever vanishing, ever clearing is the road I linger from this thought from time to time ever vanishing, ever dying is myself.

Mutterings of the heart..or mind?

2010-07-22T16:59:00.005+08:00

"Who is Mark?"

I mean, who is he really? I do not know for sure. One thing is for sure though...I like him. Really...really like him. Now, what seems to be the problem why am I suddenly writing this article?

"I do not know..."

I have met him in this website (PR) and we have known each other for about a month now. We constantly meet once or twice a week, and we have this certain chemistry, I don't know if this is the spark people talk about, but, it's not that important, just as he likes me too, and we still meet once or twice a week, everything's cool. Except my head is jamming my mojo, skipped beats, spinning, nausea, black out. No, I'm not suffering from vertigo again. I just hate this. I'm supposed to be seeing butterflies, everything going slow or something. It's just messed up, I am messed up.

When I first met him, he told me that he has extra baggage, that he was already taken. I proposed an idea that was actually a subtle hint that I want to take him, make him mine, but I guess I was just diffident, wary, scared of too many things, too coward to talk and be heard. He said that I already know that he was taken, more like telling me I can't go into a relationship just now. Well, he has a point there. One, it's too early to be in a relationship with him. Two, I barely know him.

"I'm always like this...messed up."

What is really messing up my mojo? My paranoid self. This constant nibbling, what is he doing when he's out there, Is he seeing someone?, Is he having sex with somebody else? Maybe he is seeing someone...oh and I already said that. jeez.

I really don't like it. Makes me sound like I'm nuts, but this is real, and I'm not telling this to get sympathy. I just want to puke it all out. Just get rid of it, because I really like him. I really do. I still want to see his hypnotizing smile, his gorgeous, melancholic eyes that instantly melts my heart away, his almost perfect body, his lips...okay it's not that obvious that I like him. Because I know that this wont get me far, and I wont get anything from this, might even lose him.

"Just listen..."

It all started yesterday, when I asked him, "you're always busy, I only see you go to school, and then get back home, or study then sleep. do you not get burned out?" and he said, "that's why I always meet with my friends, my girlfriend, and of course with you." That moment instead of feeling grateful that he mentioned me, or my company, I felt envious instead, jealous, bitter. Why does he have to meet with his girlfriend? and then...of course, he met her first. well, that's true. But I can't seem to grasp that idea (or refuse to grasp it). Part of what I have to accept when I agreed to become exclusive with him is that he has a girlfriend and that he can't commit. At first, it was easy to accept, because I was still in a love spell, but now when all the haze started to dissipate, I started to see the loose ends. Man, this isn't fun at all.

I want to become his and he mine. I want to know him and his friends. I want him to initiate to send a message and not the other way around. I want to become honest with him, talk about anything, not feel awkward even if he knows the nitty gritty of my whole personality. I want to hold his hand in public. I want to become comfortable with him, even if I talk about the bad habit of biting my nails when I'm anxious, or the dandruff I get whenever I'm stressed. In short...I want him, I really do.

"You will find the one you are looking for, but he will leave you..."

I told him this morning about this guy who foretold that I will find my ideal guy but eventually he will leave me, though he never specified why he would leave, or how he would leave me, this came to me when I was awakened by his loud snoring. The twilight outside gave no remorse over my seemingly cold body (I was half naked that's why). I realized, I found him...will he really leave me? I tried to muster all the answer I can get, but unfortunately, it still remained a question.

"So where do I go from here?"

Nowhere, I must remain here. Whether I still go afloat, finding meaning, answers, or grab on to something, to keep me grounded, one thing is still obvious, I still care for him too much to just let my pride and my paranoid self ruin this ivory tower or whatever it is that I have with him. They say, just be happy and content that you have him, and I say Amen! that is so true, but the problem with me is that I am always discontent. So this constant war with myself I will bear on for as long as I live. For as long as I have feelings for Mark. Now, who is Mark? scroll back and read it all over again. ^^

The saddest song I've ever heard

2010-05-09T16:17:00.005+08:00

So after a very long hiatus, I'm back for more articles. So...why the long hiatus you say? it's just this...I've been in this path...downward...more like of a quicksand, since I started working, and was lost, now...I'm still working my way back, slowly, one step at a time. I'll not elaborate this path further but I should say, It's nothing serious. So on with my article.

I was surfing comingsoon.net when I stumbled upon "Tales from Earthsea". It somehow rang a bell, because I loved Ursula K. Le Guin's Earthsea series, I was suddenly excited to see what this is about. And then I learned that the son of the famous Hayao Miyazaki, director of the award-winning Howl's Moving Castle and Spirited Away, Goro Miyazaki was the director of this stunning anime. Though Ursula K. Le Guin herself did not approve of this anime, still I think this was worth watching.

There was a scene in the movie where the character Teru, was singing this amazingly sorrowful song. I was like hypnotized by it more when I found the lyrics and what it meant (because it was japanese)...I feel that every time I listen to it, I am at peace yet an overwhelming feeling of sadness rushes in afterwards. Somehow the thought of a solitary life is sad...but the premise at the end of the song suggests hope. It is a wonderful song indeed. Here it is...the song Teru no Uta (Teru's song) from Gedo Senki (Tales from Earthsea), hope you like it.

Happy New Year!

2010-01-01T20:36:00.002+08:00

I was expecting a very dismal new year, in fact, I kinda expected not to celebrate the passing of 2009, because I was on duty last night. It was actually difficult to condition myself to not to expect anything much more to deny that I was feeling sullenly morose. So I went on, woke up, singing my heart out, to vent my frustration. Until I came to the hospital.

It was another typical night duty at the hospital, nothing particularly special, except that people are more giddy, smiling with greetings and all. I tried to mask my frustration by feeling excited to contribute to our small new year feast. And as time passed, I was distracted by fireworks lighting up the sky as midnight neared. One of my colleagues suggested that we go the rooftop of the hospital. She said the view was breath-taking, and I agreed. A quarter before midnight, we came to the rooftop, and I was just speechless. The view was astounding, it was like seeing the universe unfold before my eyes. The dazzling display of fireworks seemed like stars exploding in the black canvass of the night sky. And just like that, morose no more, I forgot about all the weariness of the past year fade away. It was a happy new year indeed. I wouldn't exchange it for anything.

Thanks to my colleagues, and my friends who were there with me, I should say, all that happened last year was all worth it because it all happened for a reason. Thank you dear Lord for the past year, and I look forward for a prosperous year ahead.

2009-12-09T01:20:00.003+08:00

I just wanted to celebrate my friend's first blog, and I should say, it's a rather extravagant beginning indeed. The reason to be proud, is an eye-opener, a powerful statement, a voice of the most underrepresented sector in this country. I think he should make more articles. Go Gersie!! ^_^

Bad bad bad

2009-12-09T00:45:00.003+08:00

Recently I received dire news about my ACLS training. I flunked my ACLS exams according to them, I missed a point, the passing score was 19 and I only got 18, and that was the only reason. A mere 1 point difference that ruined my day, and eventually burned my 4 thousand pesos to dust. What the heck!! Just like that, no remorse (don't mind my blabbering, I'm just pissed really), I was expecting a little consideration, just a little, but I didn't get some. I understand that they are just keeping the name of their company with the highest standards, but when you're disappointed, you can't see straight, I mean, I can't see their side, or for now, I can't accept whatever reason they have. I feel that I have lost a lot, especially because It's not easy to produce 4 thousand pesos with the salary we nurses get. I can accept their reason if I have flunked all exams, or if I failed the megacode or something. But I didn't. tsk tsk. Now my head hurts thinking how will I budget my salary to pay for the damned ACLS fee and it's christmas (grits teeth), how will I buy gifts then? I'm just wrecked, I'm so pissed really. Really really pissed.

My First Tattoo

2009-11-20T12:14:00.004+08:00

So, after so many years of contemplating when to get a tattoo and looming over a thousand designs, I finally get the chance to have the tattoo done. So why the circle? I chose Enso (Japanese name for circle) because I thought, the simplicity and the meaning behind it is just perfect for a tattoo. According to the ever reliable Wikipedia, it symbolizes enlightenment, strength, elegance, the universe, and the void. It can also symbolize the Japanese aesthetic itself.

So what was it like? well at first it was really, and I say, REALLY painful. Just imagine slicing your skin with so many blades, that is tantamount to the feeling you get when your being tattooed, but you can bear the pain. you just have to concentrate I guess or meditate.

So we decided to meet after duty, about 2pm yesterday, and from the hospital we went to my colleague's apartment to do the tattoo session there. Toti, the one doing the tattoo, was a friend of my colleague. He was nice and his strokes are impeccable. I was actually thinking of having another tattoo with him as my tattoo artist.

We were drinking vodka whilst the tattoo commenced. I should say, the vodka helped a little to distract me from the pain. The session expired after about a couple of hours. We decided to eat some porksilog after. We talked about an hour more, relishing the experience.

It still hurts, but it's worth it. Nothing compares to the fulfillment you get when it's done. I am now planning to have my second tattoo but not for now I 'll settle with my enso. Maybe next year I'll have my next tatt.

The Conjurer:WIP part 1: the characters

2009-09-08T12:21:00.008+08:00

So I've been meaning to start on this project for soooo long, and just now I decided to start working the plot forward. I have been stuck at developing the mythology of the elder days of my story, unfortunately I have noticed that the mythology is getting to vast already and I thought that I would never finish the present if I focus on the past/history. Forgive me if the plot seems disconnected at times, because this is still a WIP (work in progress). So here goes nothing...

First with the characters...

Main Character/s:
Eldaron - the main protagonist. The High Conjurer (Aesahir) half Masai-half human. A descendant of a royal lineage. Son of Galdor (high king of the Masai) and Midea (queen, a human), they live in Ife, the holy city near the lake Erea. He lost his father and mother when he was still an infant from the assassination attempt of the high priest Sahadrin to his father. He was transported to Carhendrel*, a city lying in the border of Fayen and Kalimdor, by his mother using a portal. He was then found by Worfina and Mattheus, a trader, and was raised as their own son. He grows as an adolescent together with Ardon his brother (real son of Mattheus and Worfina). But then an incident kills his foster parents and brother by a band of mercenaries hired by Xenomius (a tyrant king of Zygaria) to retrieve an artifact, the mirror of Ashan. He then swore revenge for the murder of his family and was filled with hate and malevolence which in turn triggered his power which awakened Sihattu, the uluri* governing death and decay. Nothing was spared from his onslaught except one mercenary who escapes to tell Xenomius of the man who can conjure the Ulurei. Xenomius learns of the power that belonged to the ancient race of the Masai and sets on a hunt for Eldaron.

Galdor - high king of the Masai, father of Eldaron. Keeper of the shard, or the broken "Ki"* or the tablet of destiny and its secrets. The high priest envied his knowledge of the "Ki" and in turn planned for his assassination which became successful.

Midea - queen of the inhabitants of Ife, the holy city upon the lake Erea, wife of Galdor. A human that belonged to a mighty lineage of humans that first fought wars against the evil god Malkut. She was among the first humans to set foot upon Ife and heeded the call of the god Ennugi that was then called "the gathering" when the gods descended upon Khaldun to bring the Ki.

Sahadrin - the high priest of the brotherhood. The antagonist. After killing the high king he escapes Ife, and conceals his identity. He becomes Rasuman, the chief executor of the tyrant king, Xenomius. An executor is a chief counsel of the king. Leader of the order of mages of the high council. He is a servant of the evil god Malkut. The evil god bent him to retrieve the broken shards of the Ki, for when put together the "doom of the gods"* will be lifted from Khaldun and use the Sakkuth* (the truth of the universe) to destroy all of creation.

Secondary Characters:

Lady Caliope - a seer that belonged to a tribe of warrior women, the Gaur*. They do not have men in their tribe but kidnaps men every mating season, to mate with them to have offsprings. They are a tribe of seers, druids and warriors. Every seer is accompanied with a warrior (called a guardian) for it is believed that seers are weak. Profession is determined at birth by a ritual called the ordination. Her guardian is Helme, a warrior ordained at birth to accompany her. Seers draw strength from their guardians. Unlike oracles who directly speak to the god Ahmun (fate), seers see through the omens of the threads of fate. They will join Eldaron in his quest of completing the Ulurei to defeat Sahadrin when Eldaron saves them from an ambush from the dark mages of Suram.

Helme - the guardian of Caliope, who develops love for the seer. In their tribe, anything more than a seer-guardian relationship is forbidden. When the high council founds out of their romantic relationship, they were banished from their tribe. It was then that Caliope saw through her divination of a man that will bring them salvation, Eldaron, and they must help him finish his quest.

Gohn - a barbarian from the north (Snorri), belonging to a tribe of barbarians, the arganta. He is on a mission to kill Xenomius, the king tyrant of Zygaria. His tribe was almost wiped out in the invasion of Zygaria during the great expansion* including his parents. He rides for Zygaria but falls prey from a band of Xenomius' assassins in Assad, but was saved by Eldaron and Helme in a rendezvous in Nakir. He owes Eldaron his life and swears his allegiance to him and promised him aid in completing his quest till the end.

Morwen - a druadanu (elf). He is the son of the high king of the hidden kingdom of Qalludin. He seeks the "godbane" for which their oracle prophesied will be the one to destroy the world. The druadanu are hard ( like the bark of a tree) and pale-skinned. They live in the forests of Khaldun and has the power to control nature. He learns that Eldaron is the godbane and joins him in his quest to befriend him and earn his trust so that he can execute his plan on killing him to put an end to the prophecy, but in the end, he will have to choose between friendship and his real mission.

Menelthor - a necromancer from the northeast (Argath), the bloodlands. A desolate place where the bloodmages (damudar) and necromancers (mulkassa) reign. He loses his power in a duel with his rival Allut. Because of the humiliation he exiles himself from his tribe. He embarks on a quest to find the legendary bloodstone* (damulith) to regain his power and dignity back.

Landon - A blade master from Myr (Essyth). He belongs to the last line of the blade masters. of the south. In the invasion of Zygaria in Essyth, he swore allegiance to his king, to defend Essyth from the invaders. He leads a band of warriors to the sea to stop the invaders from ever setting foot to Essyth but was ambushed by a hoard of assassins and dark mages. His battleship capsizes and he somehow loses his memory. He wakes at a beach in Suyam in Fayen and from there learns of a hero, Eldaron, who saves their town from an invasion from Zygaria. He decides to join them and follows them. He will become the guardian of Eldaron and eventually falls in love with him.

Supplementary Info:

Carhendrel - a neutral city bordering the provinces of Kalimdor and Fayen. The state of Carhendrel is famous for it is the only place in all Khaldun that is devoid of magic. Surrounded by the 3 Arken stones, nothing of magical origin can penetrate the area. The arken stones, according to legends came from the sky, that separated into three rocks. Carhendrel was once the center of magic in all of Khaldun, a natural nidus of free flowing magic, in turn it was discovered that a gate of power existed in Carhendrel, a dark mage knew of this information and used it to open a gate to Nehir (infernal plane). A great battle was waged in Carhendrel and in the end, a wizard (believed to be a Masai) conjured the arken stones (it was actually Alludanu, the uluri governing meteor) from the sky. The gate was closed and the demon hoard was stopped and from then on the city became devoid of magic.

The Uluri - the spirits of Anu. They are also called the elder gods and the ancient ones. They are classified into the greater ulurei and the lesser ulurei. The greater ulurei, the first born, were Adun, the god governing destruction, and Naru, the god governing creation, they are also called the primeval powers, representing the cycle of birth and death. The lesser ulurei, represent the elements. They are , Isatu, governing fire, Anzu, water, Saru, Air, Kaquru, Earth, Araku, time, Kuppu, Ice, Rusundu, Mud, Nabu, Nature or forests, Birqu, lightning, Imhullu, storm, Ribu, earthquake, Duppuru, gravity, Isakuru, brimstone, Alludanu, meteor, Seru, light, Sillu, shadow, and Sihattu, death and decay. Their completion created Anu, the hollow structure where the gods (the vanunaki) created the planes. They are also called the chaos gods, for they are untamed. When the vanunaki were created, they locked the lesser ulurei into spheres called the Asahad. and used them to fashion Anu and create the planes. Since they cannot make the greater ulurei into sheres they made Naru sleep and created Erudin, the sleeping chamber and locked Adun in a durance, Ninkur, with the 8 seals of dominion. When the vanunaki were finished with their labors, and learned of the sakkuth, they envisioned the Ki, or the tablet of destiny. In the making of the Ki much of their powers went to it, including the Asahad or the lesser ulurei. Then Lahamu, king of the Vanunaki, descended upon Khaldun, in the lake Erea, to exalt with their creation. Little did they know of the plans of Malkut, the enemy of the vanunaki. And his vengeance was swift as he smote his malice into the Ki, the Ki was then shattered into pieces and was spread accross all of Khaldun. With the shattering of the Ki, a doom was then set forth into Khaldun. That whenever the gods shall descend upon Khaldun, they will be stripped off their powers and shall age and rot like mortals. the gods then ascended to Dilmun (abode of the gods) and Malkut into Nehir (infernal plane). but the Ki remained in Khaldun. It was then prophesied that the gathering of the shattered pieces of the Ki shall lift the doom of the gods and the wielder of the completed Ki shall attain immense power (sakkuth).

Ki - the tablet of destiny. the power of the gods in physical form. It is also called the divine law. It is believed that when the ki was made a great power went to it that it was terrible to behold. It represented the collective soul of the gods. and from then on all of malkut's strength went on pursuing to destroy it.

Doom of the Gods - WIP

Gaur - WIP

The great expansion - WIP

Damulith (bloodstone) - WIP

2009-09-07T22:22:00.002+08:00

I'm stuck making the plot of my novel/story...the mythology is somewhat immense and making the history from beginning to the middle of the story as a background is making my head throb. I think I need help, I need suggestions. Maybe I'll post the gist of my story here soon...

2009-08-31T19:31:00.003+08:00

It is true that weariness waxes and wanes just like the moon. Just like a thief, it comes swiftly. But as time goes, you get an immunity from it. These hormones are just crazy, they surge then curb down. Sometimes I get lonely, then I bounce up, then fall again into loneliness. What the fuck! Just insane...

I really don't like this 8-day straight of work...tiring. But there's nothing that I can do, I can't even whine because I agreed to this. grrrr...

Doomed

2009-08-26T16:30:00.002+08:00

Why is it that when I see a guy I had a past with, and he is happy with a relationship, I think about myself and I become resentful. Angry. Insecure. Jealous. I always ask "why does it have to be me that is always unlucky?" Is it really hard to find love? Am I doomed to be single for the rest of my life?

My friends say that I am choosy, but I always say, "Do I need to lower my expectations?" Do we need to ignore the spark, and just consider the first one who comes even if you don't feel anything for them? Hmmm...

I always try to avoid conversations like this with myself. For I know this will only lead me to a swirling downward path. I don't want to be miserable and resentful. But sometimes no matter how high I set my defenses to be, misery finds a weak spot and then it all crumbles down. No matter how fast I run away from it, weariness follows. I just want to be grateful but sometimes, pessimism gets a hold on me first. So how do I deal with it?

I try to get myself busy...

Working at SLHMC keeps me preoccupied for the mean time. But when I come home, boredom sets in and misery finds its way back. So keeping myself busy with work isn't really a good idea. So now, I am trying to keep myself busy with learning deutsche (german). Hopefully this will work. I just hope I don't get distracted again.

I remembered I made I poem about this...

where thou is love?
I traversed the plains and deeps of this life
and yet failed to see
to feel this estranged bliss
of what they say is love
I did of long time ago
felt bliss but not too long
it came to be an illusion
for I was but fooled into this
world of chance
where you gamble your life
and nothing makes sense

But I would never give up
for there is a time
that will come
where someone shall cross my path
and there begin to change
this bitter feeling towards love

I can but hold on
but for how long
can I wait?
For the fear ever grows in my heart
where doubt is a hidden shadow
that slowly cloaks in my impatience
how long will I wait for you my love?

Choosing a path...

2009-08-02T20:27:00.003+08:00

It has been a long time since I last wrote here in my blog and I feel that I have missed a lot. So, what have been keeping me busy these days? Work..work and work. I am now training in the Emergency Room at Southern Luzon Hospital and Medical Center. So I have completely forgotten James, but what he did may still be here, but it will remain only as a string of memory and nothing more.

So I have been training for two weeks now at SLHMC and I can say that I have learned a lot from my training. Its hard to be content with SLHMC because my service is not yet paid and it's incredibly far from my house, but I have to force myself to be content. I have no choice, that is what I used to say to myself. But now, suddenly God opens a window, two windows in fact.

Last Last Thursday, I was surprised when my mother told me that Philippine Heart Center called, I was scheduled for an interview, HR deliberation they called it. Well, it was a panel interview, and it was nerve-racking. The interviewers were all serious-looking and were examining my every move and body language. But I survived it. I said in the end whatever happens I would not regret what I said and how I answered every question thrown at me. Pass or fail whatever outcome, I would still feel proud of myself because I made it that far.

Now, about the next window, my aunt told me last Saturday that another hospital, Biñan Doctors Hospital, will call for my scheduled exams this coming Wednesday. Whoa! I said, now after about so much wait, God has given me two paths to choose and now I am afraid to make the same mistake again and choose the wrong path. Though I know somehow that God sometimes makes the right path hidden to the naked eye, He, most of the time leaves clues for us to see through the veil that obstructs our true path. So where's the clue? hmm.. I think I know. Grateful. ^_^

2009-06-29T11:38:00.002+08:00

I have decided today to move on. I have completely ignored my ego just to woo James but to no avail he is just not interested anymore. I cannot let myself be humiliated again anymore. It is really hard to keep myself sane especially when I'm alone here at home. I am in constant war with my own thoughts, as I keep my paranoia at bay. Thoughts like, "is it my fault?", "what's wrong with me?", "why haven't I figured it out in the first place?", "maybe I'm too thin.", "maybe I'm effeminate for him." and so on and so forth.

I have been wallowing in my anger, despair and regret for two days now, and it is somehow sapping my energy. I'm tired of thinking, I'm tired of moving, I am tired of finding him.

I search in the chaos of my mind and find regret to be the most palpable. It is really difficult to let go. What's funny though is that I have genuinely felt this strong emotion for a guy I don't personally know yet. How many times had this happened before? Do I never learn? How can this happen? I constantly find myself breaking my rules, my beliefs, taking my words against myself just to win over a guy I really like. But like some unstoppable force of nature, almost always that guy doesn't like me back.

I cannot say that I want to quit, because I can't. In this journey on finding love, one's path is only forward. Many times we are taken aback, but we tread on, forward, until we reach the dead end, where the right person awaits. The path maybe long, torturous and tiring but maybe it's worth it. No, this is not my sorry futile attempt to feel good about feeling bad.

The hole that he left only made me stronger and wiser. I am not yet ready for redemption and maybe even forgiveness, not now or in the immediate future. I must let time heal me first.

2009-06-27T10:52:00.003+08:00

Why does it always seem, that when I talk about something that hasn't happened yet, or if I tell something I am excited about, it fails.

I think that I have disappointed him, he hasn't sent any messages since last night. I am overwhelmed with sadness, despair, anger and regret. Why does it always have to be me suffering. When I meet someone I really like, shit happens. It's either me blowing things up or him leaving me with no explanation whatsoever. I really don't know what is wrong with my love life.

I have always said to myself that it's never my fault, and it's their loss, but at the end of the day, I can't help but wonder, why me? why does this always happen? I want to give up already. I really want to...I think I need to work now. Get a new diversion.

They say that I should not look for him because he'll come, maybe...I should really stop looking.

Distant Grumblings Part 4: Who's James?

2009-06-27T10:14:00.004+08:00

*Taken from my journal on 06-26-09

Tonight was somehow special apart from the reason that I was able to finally watch Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, I had a date. A rather special guy I met in g4m. His handle was shy-chef, well he was rather not shy actually. He gave me a message that he liked my eyes, and from there I replied back and the rest was history. This is different from the rest of the guys that I met in the past because it was a date. A real, no-sex date. It was kind of awkward though, because I was clueless that he wanted to caress him in his privates until he said it when we were about to part ways.
I like him really. I can see myself taking the "serious" route with him. But I don't want to rush. Plus, I don't want to be the first to suggest a relationship. The way he was disappointed when I never did what he wanted kinda sent a message that he is not yet into the "serious" path. or maybe I'm just speculating too much like before. I don't know if he likes me too or not. I just hope that he does because I really like him (obviously).

---

About Rommel (thinkbig), well he is really history. He gave me clap. but I was able to ask for help. Thanks to my best friend. Now I'm clear of it.
Ryan is history as well. he kind of thought that I was too clingy when in fact I was just too excited about the sex. It didn't happen though, too bad it didn't, but it's his loss.
Chrisson doesn't text anymore but who cares, top40buff also doesn't text, but it's okay.

---

Now that I like James, I am beginning to hate myself because I am too obvious. Argh! I don't know what else to do. This emotion clouds my judgement.

The ceremony of rain-bathing

2009-06-04T01:24:00.003+08:00

The rainy days have started and this rain bathing has become a ceremony of sorts to me.

Back then in my younger years, I have always celebrated the coming of rain. For me, nothing compares to the peace that it gives as drops gently spatter in my skin, every tickle send sensations I cannot fathom or explain but can only appreciate.

This afternoon gave me reason again to celebrate.

A foreboding cloud suddenly made me excited and giddy. This one, I thought must bring a lot of precipitation. And I was right. I was ready to begin the ceremony.

I would undress, leaving only my shorts. I would hesitate at first, reach out with my hand, a moments pause to feel it all and then I charge in the open. Look face up and then I close my eyes. There, as the noise fades out in the harmony of its gentle spattering in the earth, only at that time, I become one with nature, with the universe. Every drop reminds me to be grateful that I am alive, a million reasons to celebrate life and be at peace with myself. Nothing compares to that feeling. I would stay that way, savoring every drop, commiserating with the heavens, till it withers away. Excitement turns into ecstasy, ecstasy turns into peace, peace turns into anxiety, and anxiety turns into sadness.

After the rain, I cleanse myself with the usual soap and shampoo and let myself dry, clothe again and become nostalgic of my acquiescence with mother nature. I shelter in the safety of my home praying that I would be graced tomorrow once again to do the ceremony of rain-bathing.

The Stages of a Booklover's Grief

2009-05-10T20:08:00.003+08:00

While I was reading the newspaper this morning, I glanced upon an article about the Bureau of Customs revising a previous interpretation of a law that granted tax-free importation of foreign books. As I read sentence by sentence, feelings of disgust, indignation, and dissension slowly surfaced. This preposterous idea could soon make international best selling books scarce in local bookstores, importation of foreign titles has virtually stopped so to speak. It has started since a couple of months ago. Now, international best-sellers might be out of reach of ordinary Filipino booklovers like me.

Ofcourse, the first reaction was denial. No this is not true. This cannot be happening. I told myself, no this won't push through. Over and over again, I tried to convince myself but when it all failed, I suddenly became angry, outraged. This government is really damned! How can they snatch the one valuable thing in this world? How can they not realize what value books have in ordinary people like me, who finds utter bliss in reading cheap but quality books. As my outrage soon escalated, i saw this name, Espele Sales. he, allegedly, is the one behind this absurdity. he should be burned at the stake I thought. This anger cannot be quelled and was even aggravated when he said that novels and reading books are "not educational". WTF!

This supposed RA 8047 had no provision granting tax-free book importation according to Sales. but critics said that this violated the 1950 Florence Agreement on the Importation of Educational, Scientific, and Cultural Materials. This treaty has provided for duty-free importation of books to guarantee the free flow of educational, scientific, an cultural materials between countries. To this Sales retorted that novels are not educational, giving him the right to put tax on novels. This is truly unimaginable. To say even that novels are not educational is like blasphemy. Who and what kind of individual of sound mind would say that novels are not educational? While it maybe fictional stories, I can say that I learned a lot from the novels that I have read. From grammar, to vocabulary, to facts of life, novels are a whole lot more than being informative and entertaining. Must he be out of his mind? To belittle the worth of novels is like profanation to booklovers. he must not be a booklover I thought. he cannot fathom the disappointment of not having a most cherished book, or of the sudden gasp of breath upon seeing a most wanted book for sale, and conversely for standing aghast on a high price tag for the same, or of the fleeting emotion of the touch of paper in ones fingertips, of the enthusiasm, vigor and thrill to leaf through every page, or of the hypnotic smell of paper and ink, etc. etc. In short, the joy of reading a book or a novel. Then suddenly, i felt pity for him, sorry even for not having felt the same emotions we booklovers feel.

My anger was soon overshadowed by sadness. Now that the Department of Finance has declared that its all been a mistake, that books should've been taxed all along, books will now become more expensive and even further beyond the reach of the likes of me. It will even take books longer to arrive on store shelves. Dire it is indeed.

Jessica Zafra, on her article emotional weather report, said "What's tragic is that in our country, decisions are always based on expediency." As I went through anger, sadness and pity, I cannot help but think, living on a third world country that's focused on making more money as more of it goes to the pockets of corrupt officials, where the autocrats and the elite rule and where oppression is preponderant, what would happen to us then if we do not know what value a book has? It is no less than our national hero that taught us how powerful books can become. have we become oblivious or just plain apathetic?

Zafra said "Books are the repository of human experience. They tell us what being human is all about." It is sad indeed that most of us Filipinos do not really know what being human is all about, and even more frustrating that we do not know its worth.

30 Random Things About "Paul"

2009-05-09T19:08:00.003+08:00

*This is an actual entry from my facebook account. I just decided to post it here because I can't think of new topics to post. So here it goes. Don't worry Ill shake my head for more topics in the future.

I actually first saw this listmania from my friend Che but didn't really took notice until I stumbled upon Celine R. Lopez's article on the Sunday Lifestyle section of the Philippine Star. So here's my shot at the list craze...
1. I love music and I listen to every kind of genre but it all depends on my mood. I usually look for the right melody and the lyrics should be cleverly written.
2. I used to think that I am the center of the universe. I resort to complain about every bugging detail that doesn't tip to my favor until I read Paolo Coelho's Brida.
3. The most profound book I've ever read was "The secret" by Rhonda Byrnes, although I find the principles it taught me hard to actually practice.
4. I love chocolates. Among my favorites are Cadbury Dairy Milk and Nutella. I used to take a teaspoonful of Nutella after meals and its just plain bliss after, but lately I'm cutting it down and is paying more attention to GIs (Glycemic Index).
5. I love to watch anime and read manga and I don't care if somebody tells me that it's for kids only because it's not. Among the animes that I religiously watch and read their mangas are naruto, bleach and souleater.
6. I consider myself an escapist. I am fond of escaping from reality once in a while through reading, watching and playing computer games.
7. Vertigo is the most terrible thing for me. It's close to near death. I'm effing scared of it and that's why I so hate it.
8. I love to read. The most engaging book I've ever read so far was the Twilight Saga. Recently I've been looking for a book that would beat the record it set for me.
9. I love the glorious combination of honey and mustard. Salads would not be salads without it.
10. Strawberries are to die for. Strawberry ice cream, candies and everything made from it.
11. I have a predilection for everything sour (those that are edible of course) from fruits to delicacies especially pasta dishes.
12. I dream of having D&G, John Galliano and Dsquared2 in my closet.
13. I think of myself as a writer and dreams of making my own fantasy novel but hasn't really conjured the guts to make it happen.
14. I believe that I will one day have the freedom to travel the world.
15. I find it hard to speak sometimes. Speaking eats a lot of my energy and makes my mental faculties work a lot harder.
16. I constantly edit what I think, say and write because I am my biggest critic.
17. I love my friends but I am not a showy type of person but I know they know that.
18. I will someday have a tattoo. I find it manly and that's why tattoos are a plus for me.
19. I am not much of a coffee fan but I like caramel macchiato (double espresso) with whip cream (non-fat).
20. Some of my high-school friends and I think that we're still stuck in high school. We still do the same things like before. They're like my philosopher's stone and keeps me young at least at heart.
21. I still wish that David Beckham was gay (how I really wish) he's so freakin' hot. grrrrrr. (^_^)
22. I love Brazilian men, and their brazen bodies. They are a sight to behold and I wonder, why did God create brazilian men to be so beautiful. Makes me wish I had a brazilian boyfriend. hahahaha!
23. I'm not much of a starwars fan but between star trek and starwars, I'd choose starwars. (but the latest star trek movie is interesting).
24. I prefer cats over dogs and hates to see caged birds. Birds are created to fly in the open.
25. I don't believe in religion but I believe in God (sounds cliche but my friends know about this) and I'm usually the skeptic, I always have doubts about everything, scientific inquiry makes me sound like intelligent. hehe
26. I love the adrenaline rush that roller coasters can only give. It scares the hell out of you before the drop but excitement builds on after and when its all over you feel proud of yourself for overcoming your fear. SF Magic mountain you just wait I'm coming there. harhar
27. Will and Grace and Danielle Fishel (The Dish) never fails to make me laugh when I watch them.
28. The farthest place south (In the Philippines) I've ever been was in Boracay, the farthest place north was in Pagudpud.
29. The beach, the moon, stars and the feeling of rain spattering in my skin is just something I would never trade for anything.
30. Finding a cheap and yet good book at Booksale is just plain utter bliss.

Bloodlust

2009-04-10T11:28:00.003+08:00

Last Night I chanced upon this show on cinemax (cable channel), the show is true blood. Created by Alan Ball, the genius behind Six Feet Under, which I really loved. Now, I have known about this since last year, but was never able to watch it until it came to Asian televisions last night. The show was unprecedented. I never expected it to be so...astounding. I first got to know the story of Sookie back then when the twilight craze was still fresh, I was browsing on the fiction shelf of a local bookstore and saw this novel. I thought it had certain similarities with twilight, and that made me put it down. Imitation was the highest form of flattery I thought, but I was wrong. True blood is an original in a way. Thank God I chanced upon it last night, or I would have never forgiven myself for not watching such a worthy series.

Alan Ball has never lost his magic. In fact last night was somehow nostalgic of six feet under. The story is replete with enchanting characters. Alan Ball is truly a master, how he can make characters seem so realistic and yet weird in a way is really his trademark. Every character is interesting and exciting as episode by episode answers unfold. Watching it is like riding a roller coaster.

The mind reading ability is reminiscent of twilight but on true blood, its quite different. The sex scenes were resplendently done and is peppered quite commonly in the entire length of each show which I definitely like. The mystery factor is also enthralling, and leaves you craving for more. I like the notion that this show was somehow like 'twilight for adults'. Last night was a marathon of 4 episodes and during that 4 hours of jaw dropping blood, sex, and magic, I can't help but wish that it will continue till day breaks or something like that. Now I'm craving for more and can't wait till next thursday. (True blood is aired every Thursday in cinemax.)

2009-03-30T19:33:00.005+08:00

This day became a source of unending struggle between sadness and desperation. I applied recently at a call center, and went through the preliminary assessment. The grueling long hours of waiting for the next process for the application to begin was indeed life-sapping and nerve-racking. I am disappointed that I failed the final assessment and would just like to vent out. But one would wonder why a registered nurse will apply for a customer service position. Not that I view such a job as low and degrading but one can only posit a fact, that the nursing profession here is indeed in a dire situation. Almost all the hospitals are freeze hiring as the pool of unemployed nurses steadily rise. Pushing more and more nurses to apply for jobs that are not really connected with nursing.

No. I am not blaming the baleful situation here, but I am more of blaming myself. I always consider myself as more of a writer than a speaker. Am I justifying again my incompetency? Maybe. Again, I just want to vent my disappointment here after all this is my blog and I will write what I feel writing.

I always find myself contradicting my own words...

Anyway after the disappointment comes desperation again, incessant whining will not bring me salvation. Nobody will pay someone to rant and cry over childish complaints. So what now? On again with the job hunt. *sigh

Distant Grumblings Part 3: The Post-Twilight Syndrome

2009-02-04T22:25:00.003+08:00

12/22/08

"It has been a month since I last saw the movie twilight and still I cannot get over it. Nhejj insisted that we watch the movie, but I was skeptical and hesitant at first to watch it because of my natural aversion to all things mushy, romantic and too-good-to-be-true happy endings. Moreover it was being compared to Harry Potter, and being a Rowling fan from the start I was defensive about it, until I watched the movie and I decided that I was right and at the same time wrong.
I was right that nothing could compare to Harry Potter because it's unique, and twilight tackles a different shade of the usual young adult fantasy genre. Rowling and Meyer are good in their own styles of writing and there's no doubt about it.
I was wrong about the aversion thing because I liked it, in fact I loved it a lot. So much was my fascination for the story that it set a record high for me. No book that has caught my attention has ever hooked me to read it non-stop until twilight. It somehow unleashed the voracious reader in me. It even altered my ADL's (Activities of Daily Living) in a profound kind of way. I never slept, I skipped meals, not because I was never hungry, but because I forgot to think about eating. My mind was so focused on it that I was so immersed in the story. Never have I had a relationship with a story as intimate as this one.
So back with the movie, after that, I was so eager to read the book. Good thing Nhejj has the entire saga and so I borrowed them. She gave the first two as bringing the four will be inconvenient for her. And so I read the first book in one day beginning the second instantly after. The second book, New Moon, was the most memorable for me because it was the most emotionally intense of the four. The pain that Bella felt in the story reached me and somehow got to me. I actually cried reading the book.
I had two days of waiting time to endure to continue reading the remaining two books because Nhejj had trouble with her schedule, but I understood only my patience didn't, and so i was like silent agony to suspend my longing to read the rest but it didn't last long.
After two days I began reading the third book and the fourth and final book, Breaking Dawn, the day after. I should say that I was kind of disappointed on the way Meyer designed the ending to be, because all the while I expected it to deviate a little from being "too safe" because after all it's the ending. Why not make it a little more extravagant and edgy, have some explosions here and there, kill a minor character, machinate a war of epic proportions and end it with a loud bang! and the heroes win...but it didn't happen. Only the "they lived happily ever after" scene made it. So I felt short of it and then I remembered that this was supposed to be a young adult fantasy and I am no young adult, I wish I was, but I'm not. So much for wishful thinking. But come to think of it, it may not be perfect to me but to the million of teenagers who have read it , maybe it was.
All in all the saga was worth keeping in my collection. Ten, twenty or even thirty years after I would still feel the same emotions I felt when I reread it because now, it became not just a book, but a relevant one. So this is what they call the post-twilight syndrome but I like it though. I would like to let it linger in me for a while. Twilight is a magnificent love story and I am glad it came to my knowledge. The story may seem like an ivory tower to the romantically poverished or for the wishful thinkers but who cares, it is my sweet escape and I'll have it.

Conversations with Paolo Coelho's Brida

2009-01-24T11:23:00.002+08:00

I read for one evening Brida (Paolo Coelho), the book I bought for my birthday and I thought that I made the right choice. The book was really worth buying. The whole read was like a journey, somehow Coelho had some knowledge of the profound truths of the universe and he had the wisdom to back it up. I didn't know him personally and it was my first time reading his book but somehow I believed him. I find some of the passages in the book imitating life itself. I find some of it similar to what was happening in my life if not applicable to the predicament I'm in.
Coelho talked about those people who are addicted to loneliness, and he wrote:
"people who believe the world to be undignified, inglorious place and who spent their evenings and nights talking on and on about the mistakes others had made. They were people whom solitude had made into the judges of the world, whose verdicts were scattered to the 4 winds for whoever cared to listen." and I thought this was like me. I always complained about others, about my father and mother and what they did to me, about what others thought about me, about what my friends didn't do that made me upset, about the silly things I complain about just because I was not the center of all attention. I then had the urge to deny this but then, I realized, it's true. I am lonely and it somehow stinged a little, but then I understood and I forgave myself. I felt as if a heavy weight has been lifted off my chest.
Then there was this passage:
"She sensed that she was missing out on something very important in life and that if she carried on as she was, she would simply continue to repeat the same experience over and over again." and so I thought I am missing out on life. This was what my friends have been telling me all along but I never really listened. That's why I repeat the same mistake over and over again and it pressed on me the urgency to find a break into my vicious cycle. I haven't really thought of it as important before not until now, and this book made me realize that.
"By taking risks, by risking failure, disappointment, disillusion, but never ceasing in your search for love. As you keep looking, you will triumph in the end." and then there was this passage. This is another inner conflict I have been denying and belittling all along. I have been always afraid of rejection and my silly preoccupation to it led me to this path of loneliness. So it seemed I found the answer that I have looking for all along.
Coelho continued:
"I'm always starting things and then giving up. She thought rather sourly. Perhaps life would soon realize this and stop presenting her with the same opportunities over and over or perhaps, by always giving up when she had only just started, she had exhausted all possible paths without even taking a single step. But that was how she was and she felt herself growing gradually weaker and less and less able to change...she knew other people who did the same - they, too, got used to their mistakes and it wasn't long before they began to see them as virtues and by then it was too late." and I thought I am now weak, but still able to change. I have gotten used to my mistakes but I think I don't see them yet as virtues, not yet. So this means, I still have time to act and so something about it.
Coelho also talked about choosing paths:
"Choosing a path meant having to miss out on others. She had a whole life to live and she was always thinking that, in the future, she might regret the choices she made now. She wanted to follow all possible paths and so ended up following none. She feared pain, loss and separation. These things were inevitable on the path to love, and the only way of avoiding them was deciding not to take that path at all. Life is so complicated. You had to take risks, follow some paths and abandon others. There are people who followed certain paths only to prove that they weren't the right ones, but that wasn't as bad as choosing a path and then spending the rest of your life wondering if you'd made the right choice. No one could make a choice without feeling afraid." and I thought no one understood me. I was afraid, too afraid in fact, to move and do something. I haven't took the risk at all, it only remained as a possibility for me and I was neglecting the fact that pain, love and separation is inevitable in the path to love, so what's wrong with me?
"Perhaps the time when it goes wrong are teaching you something. Nothing in the world is ever completely wrong. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day." so I guess nothing is really wrong with me. So what stops me from doing something?
Then Coelho said "Never stop having doubts. If you ever do, it will be because you've stopped moving forward, and at that point, God will step in and pull the rug from under your feet. If for any reason we stop, whether out of complacency, laziness, or out of a mistaken belief that we know enough, He forces us on. On the other hand, you must be careful never to allow doubt to paralyze you. Always take the decision you need to take, even if you're not sure you're doing the right thing, you'll never go wrong if, when you make a decision, you keep in mind an old German proverb "the Devil is in the detail". Remember that proverb and you'll always be able to turn a wrong decision into a right one." And there, the answer I have been dying to know all along. Suddenly the path that I need to take became clear. This is what I have to do get me out of this mess. And I thought this is what God wanted me to do.
"Life is about making mistakes. It was a mistake that set the world in motion. Never be afraid of making mistakes. Never be ashamed, accept what life offers you and try to drink from every cup. All wines should be tasted, some should only be sipped, but with others drink the whole bottle. You can only know a good wine if you have first tasted a bad one." and I say Amen! to that. Certainly Brida has paved the way for my long-awaited change to consummate. Finally! after a year and almost all my lifetime, the epiphany I was asking for came.

On my Birthday

2009-01-23T10:36:00.004+08:00

This was my journal entry last Friday, January 16, 2008.

"Today was supposed to be a happy day because after all, its my birthday. Ironically, I feel empty and unbelievably angry and I don't know why. I still haven't probed deeper on the reasons behind the feelings I feel right now, but now is the right time I guess.
I feel empty, maybe because there are so many things that I want to achieve and yet those things remain out of my reach, and that frustrates me. I am getting no younger and yet I haven't proven something yet, I am still the mediocre "nobody" that I was, insignificant and broke. I still believe that there's more to me than this but I don't know what to do. Somehow I am waiting for something but I am getting impatient. I think that life is telling me something but I refuse to listen because I am too stubborn or too complacent. Back then I would argue with my reasons but now I'm starting to doubt myself and the reasons I held back then and now I am so left behind.
I feel angry, maybe because of the apathy my father is projecting. I know I should've not expected my father to be something he is not but something in me longs for that. Am I wrong for asking such a simple thing?
Or maybe its because some of my friends have not remembered my birthday. Not that I want them to reciprocate with the effort I made to remember all of their birthdays but there's just a side of me that needs attention. I know its no big deal really and I will not make such a fuss about it, but somehow its true.
There is this side of me that wants to get even and I don't know yet if I will let it win over me because I know its bad. I can get bad karma too but there's something about consummating a well-thought revenge that makes me enthusiastic. I don't know, its the genes maybe and now I sound like my father.
I want to get a job, but how can I? I have sent resumes all over but they don't call back. What should I do? Shake their heads off till they consider my application?
This dilemma is getting a bit overrated really, and I'm getting a bit desperate now.
In spite of all the pessimism I still feel grateful though. I am now 27 years more wiser than before and I hope I use it right to get myself out of the junkyard I am in.

------

So the day of my birthday, my father gave me money, although he sounded sour and somewhat forced, he gave it anyway and it annoyed me. Like I needed his money, but I accepted it anyway so I bought two books, the elves of cintra by Terry Brooks and Brida by Paolo Coelho and I thought that it would somehow make teh emptiness I felt go away. For a moment I thought it did but after that I realized its still there so I gave a holler at Weng and to my surprise she hollered back. Weng was with Gersie so I decided to go there in Mandaluyong just to be away. Away from all the people and things that cause me pain.
I came at Gersie's place at around 7 pm and caught them watching Friends. Gersie is having a DVD marathon while Weng was flirting online at downelink.
We watched, talked, and laughed watching Friends wand waited till Danvy, Gersie's new boy toy, arrived. He bought with him food and a couple of beer and when Weng had enough flirting for a day, I had my turn and chatted online. After about a couple of hours I gave up because the crowd at downelink are a bit snobbish. I was about to sleep when Weng asked if I'm sleepy. I said no and like a light bulb I thought I saw her face lighten up and then I remembered she has been bugging me and Gersie to go out and have fun in Malate but I had to say no, so she suggested to have coffee instead at Starbucks Pioneer and I agreed. So Weng and I went out and left Gersie and Danvy by themselves to give them the privacy they needed. It was about 5 in the morning then.
Weng confessed that she wanted to cruise that's why she wanted to go out, and somehow I understood what she meant. Since Yhen's death, Weng has been misery's constant companion and we knew its hard really. Every time I feel the need to talk nothing comes out, and it makes me feel powerless to help her. It's not because I have nothing good to say but I'm afraid I guess that I might say the wrong words and do more harm than good. So we had some coffee, talked and pondered on things. We stayed till 7 am and thought we gave Gersie and Danvy enough time.
Weng and I agreed to have a haircut and stroll in Alabang just to kill time. That gave me the impression that somehow she doesn't want to go home just yet. But knowing Weng, it didn't happen really because she slept it off while I busied myself chatting at Gay.com.
I met two guys there. One doesn't want to give his real name, but it's okay, I don't give a damn really though he was intellectual and I had fun talking, I mean chatting with him. The second one, well I don't remember his name, was just for sex. He invited me to his hotel room in Makati, but I dissed him because I was unprepared and looked haggard, so I can't really risk going there, meeting someone for a hook up when I am unprepared and all.
That afternoon Weng received a text message from his brother that his uncle Ed was rushed to the hospital, eventually he had his third stroke. But strangely, Weng just ignored and ironically felt annoyed because she thought his uncle was being stubborn again. Hours passed and that evening while on the bus going home, her cousin Janet called and told her that uncle Ed progressed into coma, and she broke down. I consoled her on the way and did every thing I can do. We arrived in the hospital soon after and I left after about an hour when I was sure that Weng was somehow okay. The evening after, his uncle Ed passed away.

Distant Grumblings Part 2: Charlie is my love is my infatuation is my past is nobody

2009-01-22T22:10:00.003+08:00

02/16/08

"I wanna decide on something tonight. I am really confused because I can't seem to decide on what to do with Charlie. It has been two days since I last heard from him. I begin to question, if what he's saying is real. Are his feelings for me real or is he just playing with me? Maybe I'm expecting something from him when I shouldn't be expecting anything. We have not established the rules of our relationship or is there an actual relationship going on between the two of us? Certainly I don't want to feel paranoid every time he doesn't call, or every time I don't get to talk to him on the chat room. I feel something for him because I wouldn't miss him like this. I miss him like crazy. I want him to come back home and sweep me off my feet. I want to love him, but I just can't right now. I am not also honest about myself, because I say that his sexcapades there in Tokyo with girls is okay when I totally disagree with the idea. There are a lot of things I want to discuss with him but I just can't because what we have right now is so uncertain, so vague, that it is impossible to establish anything at the moment. Maybe what I would really want to do tonight is to just throw away these thoughts to oblivion and let myself be distracted by healthy thoughts."

02/17/08

"Three days now and still no word from Charlie. I miss him terribly, although I could've just opened my email and see if he has sent me a message. I didn't. I know that it is just pointless to think of things that I'm not sure if it ever happened or not. I had the opportunity a while ago but I guess I chose not to do it and now I'm bothered by the choice I made because if only I took a moment to open my email, maybe, just maybe Charlie left a message for me. That he can't call let's face it, he can't always buy a call card for me. He doesn't even know me that well. Certainly I made a mistake here, but what's good about this is at least I am aware of it. I am aware that I made a mistake and I know that it's too late to wallow on these thoughts but I guess it's good also to know that I'm able to express it all here. I just hope that tomorrow, I get to see Charlie on the chat room and finally talk to him."

02/18/08

"Earlier I opened my email and guess what? No message from Charlie. Days passed and something becomes clearer everyday, that I couldn't continue on with this. Day after day I become more aware that what I have and what I fee for him is nothing but infatuation. Although I am not sure yet if he is just playing with me but its not hard to assume. I finally set free this heavy burden that has been bothering me for the past four days. But what if he comes back? Then I'll talk to him, but I'll never fall for his pick-up lines again. If he is really for me? Then he must prove it. He must come home or it will never be us. Time to set my eyes around, my gaze has been fixed for too long."

02/19/08

"I was able to talk to Charlie earlier. Like what I thought, he was busy partying and he entertained a guest. All along I was waiting for the feeling to come back. But it didn't. Its like I'm more cautious, more aware, more doubtful of his advances. But I still like him though. He told me that he can't answer yet when he'll be back, if its for good or just a brief stay, because he's not sure yet, as if the answer is not his. And now I cant smile like before because now I am clouded with doubt and insecurity."

02/20/08

"Charlie is as usual a no show at the chat room today. I somehow expected it to be like that. Like I am numb to the pain."

02/21/08

"I tried logging on at around 6 pm. Charlie wasn't there. Maybe he went by and logged off early. I don't know. I just know that now its easier to breath because I know what I shared with him was just a dream and I had to wake up eventually. Its just sad to wake up from a wonderful dream but I gotta admit Charlie is far from reality right now. I'm kinda fed up of his excuses, he couldn't keep up with his own words, his words are inconsistent with his actions."

02/28/08

"Two days ago, I was able to chat again to Charlie. I learned from him that he had a car accident because he was drunk driving and so justifies his sudden absence. But to be honest, it never struck a chord in me. I felt pity for him yes, I still care for him, maybe a little, but I guess I have a grip now of my feeling for him. I am here and he is there, and now I am aware of that space between us."

03/13/08

"About a week ago I learned from Charlie the whole truth about why he distanced himself. He said he was kinda worried that I'm like forcing him to be with me, to go home, to be here and have a relationship. It was like a slap in the face. The words were like knives stabbing, but I guess the truth really hurts. What also is clear is that there is a big difference in our expectations. He was merely playing while I was getting serious already. At first I felt angry, of course it is an insult to my ego, but of course after careful thought I realized he has a point, I don't have the right to be angry, and so I said sorry. Now like before, whenever I talk to him, he doesn't seem to reply back. He tells me he's busy. I don't care."

03/28/08

"Two days ago I had a brief talk with Charlie. He said he had to cut the chat short because he was sleepy. It took me a day to realize that I should tell him what I felt that time. I told him the truth, that i felt angry and betrayed by what he did to me. So I told him I needed the closure so that I can move on, so that the next time we talk I can comfortably chat about it and remember it as nothing more but a lousy memory we used to share."

07/16/08

"I was actually more surprised to meet tokyoboy again at the chat room. It seemed a very long time since we last talked and yet I still feel a figment of anger I felt when I learned the truth from him back then. I actually planned on being silent until he noticed I was there. We talked much like before, updating ourselves of what has happened from our lives since we last talked.
I learned from him that Rayan was telling him the things that I have told Rayan about him. I was clearly annoyed but I had to pretend I'm not. Well as usual he said there's nothing wrong about it, because at least I was being honest and that he liked what I said. But it didn't affect me. He told me that when he comes home he will surely never forget to treat me. I don't want to expect anything from him anymore."

09/24/08

"It is always painful to accept rejection. How a person can sway you with words you believe at once and then you fall and then suddenly leaves you hanging.
It is always unfair to leave someone feeling the injustice of being not able to answer all the questions that baffle him that only the person that left can answer and realize that he is gone forever and that there is nothing you can do about it. A gaping hole is left. That person remains empty until such a time that he learns to forgive that person and himself and often forgiveness comes along only after so much damage has been dealt already.
This is reminiscent of what happened between me and Charlie. I still feel the hole he left when I read my past articles about him. Have I forgiven him? Yeah, I think so. I have accepted the fact that is just meant to be this way."

Distant Grumblings Part 1: Charlie is tokyoboy is my infatuation is my love

2009-01-22T20:55:00.006+08:00

Since I can't think of anything to write for the mean time, I will be showing my past journal entries. This was written on last year, january 26, 2008 and it was about a certain man I met at Bi-laguna (MIRC).

"I met someone today at MIRC. His chatname is tokyoboy. Well when I asked him what brought him there, its because he was looking for a sensible person to chat with. Our chat was okay. I never thought I would ever feel this way again. The last time I remember feeling this way was when I and Larry (kingpokpok) had communication still. But I have learned my lesson, or so i think. But I do like him. I do hope to chat again with him sometime."

01/27/08

"I wasn't able to chat to tokyoboy today because I was out almost half the day. When I checked on bi-laguna, I was too late. He went offline already. I will chaeck on him tomorrow and I hope to see him there. By the way tokyoboy's real name is Charlie. I am just enjoying my time with him I guess. He has a baby coming although he doesn't want to tie the knot yet. He is kind and sensible but it is as usual too early to presume that I know him too well. He wished that I find my man soon. That would mean that he was not my man, although its best not to presume anything I still have my hopes who knows? i just dont want to expect, I just want to enjoy every moment that I have with him."

01/31/08

"It has been five days since I met Charlie and already I feel something for him. I dont know what it is exactly but what Im sure of is everytime I talk to him I have this special smile only he can make me wear. I know its dangerous to cross the river this early and yet something tells me that what is important is that Im happy right now. I know that I have my doubts as well, but will it do me good? I dont know either, this feeling is clouding my judgement.
Maybe what I should do is to stand back a little bit and assess everything. I know I have experienced this a long time ago. I followed what my heart told me and all I got was nothing. he left me and suddenly vanished like that with no remorse. I dont know why he left because he didn't even bother to explain why.

Earlier he was there at the chatroom, but he was idle I thought maybe he dozed off, or he's busy doing something, many things are running in my mind right then but they aren't healthy I know because Im setting my expectations again. I have to set up my defenses anew and check regularly on loopholes. I dont want mistakes again because I have learned my lesson."

02/03/08

"I was able to chat again with tokyoboy today, and it didn't went quite well. He was busy yesterday. I reminded him that I sent him a message about 3 minutes before he logged out, and it didn't affect him. Well maybe because he had a killer hangover. I dont know. I try to give him the benefit of the doubt I guess. I am confused really. I am torn between dissing him and remaining to be a stranger or understanding him and giving this another try. If I weigh the odds right now, Im on the losing side. Id my analysis is correct then I should be dissing him because, one, he is in Tokyo and I am here in the Philippines, two, he seems to be too much lax, too bad boy of an image, to wild to be tamed, too overwhelming of his personality, too unpredictable, three, he has a son who's in Davao and plans to marry a girl someday and have a family. This seems to be the most palpable mistake I will ever make if I then choose to make out with him. But then again, when I think about he coming here again, or I have prejudged his personality when I havent known him that personal yetand that all of my fears about him are just mere speculations that havent happened or may never evn happen, my mind makes a 360 degree turn back and bring all the odds in favor of him, this is why I am confused. Maybe I should just stick to the plan, and go along, besides its all too early to tell. I know my gut feeling will tell me what to do."

02/11/08

"I was surprised when Charlie called a while ago (11pm). Well not that surprised but nevertheless I was still surprised, because he said earlier that he would call. We were able to chat earlier at around 4 pm. He told me that he missed me and I told him that I missed him too, and that's the truth. He missed me a lot that he has been acting kinda wierd lately. Well not that wierd totally because I wanted him to be like this. He asked permission to court me all the time while we were chatting I feel like I am floating. He was saying flowery words and I will be true because I liked it. I like him and I don't care if he's not that gorgeous, because to me he is gorgeous enough. I hope that this goes well, I am just afraid that the same mistake I made with Joey will happen again. But then again these are all fears. Just fears and like all fears I can surely conquer them. What is important is at least I tried. Mistakes happen for a reason. I still want to think that maybe, just maybe, its Charlie this time."

02/12/08

"Charlie and I were able to chat again earlier. We talked about a lot of things. What I liked about him, what he liked about me, and other stuff. I told him what I think about him the first time I met him. I can't really describe the way I felt all the time we're talking. I was smiling, blushing and felt light-headed. It was something unusual to me because I never felt this before. Though I like him, Im afraid to fall for him yet, because it's too early. I just want to take things slow, and not rush and I hope Im right about this."

02/13/08

"My relatonship with Charlie has gone from a simple chatmate to somethin special. He calls me heart now. I am happy he does, but I am still confused, because there are a lot of things on my mind that is doubting my sanity, if my decision is correct. Well, I am not sure of long distance relationships, if it works. Ofcourse I still want him, but I want him beside me, so that I can tell him personally, or better yet so that I can let him feel that I fallen for him, that I treasure him, that I care for him, because its more than words can tell. I sound cheesy now. Am I in love? I hope not yet, because I dont want to get hurt in case, but isn't it true that to love we must feel pain as well. I am really confused. I hope I can maintain my composure for as long as I can, for as long as I need to be."

02/15/08

"Its 11:16 pm and Im thinking of Charlie. I really miss him. This is what Im afraid of, that if ever I decide to go and make out with him, I'll be doomed to be like this, always paranoid, always worried, always thinking of him. Certainly I dont want this but I dont want to lose him either. I think all I need to do is to distract myself for the time being. I need to make myself busy so that I'll lose focus on thinking too much crap."

Is getting older synonymous with getting wiser?

2009-01-11T21:12:00.002+08:00

Four days from now I will be a year older, but I have been thinking, will I also be a lot wiser? I think so and I hope too because right now I am stuck in my 'twilight zone' and it sucks. I am disconcerted with the thought of doing something or waiting for something to happen and from taking a big leap or accepting that I am contented with the bubble I made for myself.

Happy Holidays Everyone!!!

2008-12-28T18:25:00.001+08:00

There the title says it all. Till then guys! keep it all cool!

The BORA Experience

2008-12-07T13:30:00.037+08:00

November 15 was a memorable day. The night before that I was skeptic that it will not push through because there was a storm and I was confused because I had no idea what to bring (toxic). This is my first time and Boracay would be the farthest I have gone south to if it all goes well. I packed the shirts that I need, my rubber shoes, shorts and a lot of underwear and stuffed it all in my backpack. 6 AM, I awoke at the sound of my alarm clock. I cooked breakfast and ate it after and then went straight at the bathroom to do my thing. We agreed to meet at McDonald's Olivarez 9AM sharp.

So we met at around a minute past 9. The moment we were complete, the endless bantering began and we couldn't stop laughing. We laughed at the simple things, yeah we're shallow, typical cause we were like this ever since we were at high school. We took the bus to Magallanes where we rode a taxi to NAIA 3. Nhejj, Lorie, Aizel and Gersie was supposed to meet at Makati and will see us there at NAIA.
Gersie has always been the slug in our group, a spoiler of fun. It was half past nine when he awoke and the rest was furious, because we can't afford a delay or the plane will leave us, but eventually he made it. And so we met at NAIA, checked in and waited for our plane to arrive and we took some pictures.

(from the left: Jei, Aizel, Gersie, Weng, Lorie and Nhej) Before paying the airport fee or something I decided to take a picture.

A picture of my plane ticket. Yeah, it's my first time that's why. hehe.

Who took this picture?? hmmmmm...who's missing... Ah yes, its Nhej. She thought of taking it at the back and directed us to look back so that it will have an artistic effect or something (whatever) but it went well so it's okay. It was 10 minutes past the expected time of arrival of our plane and yet there is no plane in sight. What could have happened with our plane?

This is a picture of the tarmac, and there is still no plane in sight. But after about 20 minutes of waiting, talking, laughing, kidding around, the plane arrived.

Passengers in the first aisle are called but we took no heed of the ruckus that it caused.

But then passengers at the back aisle were called, and we scampered. Inside the plane, we took again some pictures. I felt mixed emotions from then on. I was scared and happy at the same time, scared because it was my first time to fly, and I was doubtful of how it felt to ride a plane, and happy because we were kidding around all the time. I was at the middle, between Gersie and Lorie. Lorie was at the the window seat, she was so lucky, I wanted to be at the window seat but it was okay, the middle seat would do I thought.

A view of my side of the window.

The doors closed and the flight attendants did their thing and I felt all the blood rush in my head. This is it. The plane taxied and the feeling of flight was amazing. So this is what it felt like. I was so naive, but it's the truth. The plane slowly ascended altitude, and the sign for seat belts turned off, some of the passengers went to the comfort room, but I never left my seat, I was too amazed at the scenery outside my side of the window and took some pictures.

At the height of our flight my cam suddenly malfunctioned so I was not able to take some pictures. After about 35 minutes, we arrived at the Kalibo International Airport. A man was holding a piece of paper with the name Divina Gracia Serapio and we all chuckled when we saw it, wow, we never expected that we will be greeted this way. A van was waiting outside to transport us to the Caticlan pier.
The ride to Caticlan was a grueling one, the intestine-like roads are stomach wrenching, and I had low tolerance to long rides since my vertigo attacks. As we neared Caticlan, the coastline appeared and it was a sight to see. But the motion sickness ruined it all. After about an hour and a half, we arrived at the Caticlan pier. Another man was waiting for us to assist us from Caticlan till we reach our hotel. The boat ride was good, Caticlan and Boracay was about 5 minutes apart. We disembarked the Caticlan pier and rode a mini van to reach our hotel, La Carmela Resort. After checking in and arranging our things, some of us slept. The trip from Manila to our hotel was okay, but the motion sickness wasn't.

That night, we partied at a local bar at Station 1. we drank booze and smoked...what was that called, well it was not cigarettes, it was something with charcoal on top. I forgot what it was called. We came at the hotel at around 4 in the morning, and Weng insisted that we have a dip in the pool, but unfortunately it was closed. So we went at the beach and had a dip. While enjoying the cold sea water, Weng can't help but remember Yhen, who recently passed away because of cancer. And we talked about it, suddenly it rained and it felt like a blessing. The feeling of the splash of waves and the gentle trickle of raindrops on our skin was amazing, I never felt something like that before and as the tide ebbed so our tolerance to the cold. The sun was about to peek when we retreated to our rooms.
Second day at Boracay: we woke up early, because Kuya Jegan (our tour guide) was at the hotel front already. After our buffet breakfast, we went to station 3 to ride our boat.

First stop: crystal cove. we rode the boat full of excitement and we were talking full of excitement and took some pictures on the way, but as we passed station 3, the waves suddenly became wild.

It was fun, Gersie, Jei and me were enjoying the ride while those at the back were silent because they were nervous already. But after about five minutes, we arrived at the crystal cove.

Well ofcourse, the crystal cove is famed for its crystal caves. It has two of them and both are breath-taking to behold. The path to its caves are a little bit difficult to tread but it was all worth it. Take a look.

At the crystal cave2, we came into a tunnel and at the end of it took our breath away. It was so beautiful.

After crystal cove it was snorkeling the next. So we went to a snorkeling spot and got our snorkels and dived to mingle with the little fishes. It was amazing. This is a picture of the snorkeling area.

I got dizzy after so I never got the chance to take some pictures after. We got to our boat again after about 10 minutes of snorkeling, we went to Puka Beach. The way to Puka beach was intense, the waves were bigger and wilder. At first it was okay, we were kidding along while screaming our hearts out when a big wave came, but as time passed, it became uncomfortable, we got dizzy of the rise and fall. We arrived at Puka beach totally exhausted and famished. But we had a treat, there we ate seafood. Our table was teeming with all sorts of them, crabs, squids, and fish. We also had pork and grilled eggplants. Here's a picture of Puka Beach and our table.

After we had our lunch, we rode again the boat to get to station 2 again to ride a bigger and faster boat for our parasailing. It was Gersie and Weng first to try.

Next was Nhej and Lorie.

Then it was me and Ivy. I had a bad feeling about it at first, because it was so high, and I have doubts about the cord splitting apart, but what the heck, so I gave it a go, and it was scary at first but once we were up there, it was okay. The whole island can be seen atop and apart from the not so usual shifting of the cord to the side, it was a good experience.

After the parasailing experience, Gersie, Nhej and Lorie tried jetski. The rest was too exhausted or too dizzy to try. They had a couple of rounds each and then we tried banana boat (hectic isn't it?). The banana boat was okay, though it was not as exciting as parasailing it was fun nevertheless.

The island hopping ended with the banana boat ride. We were transported back to station 1 after. A mini van was waiting for us there to get us back to our hotel. It was an exhilarating day, nothing beats a fruit shake after so we went at..hmmm...I forgot the name, but it starts with J. Anyway, it was supposedly famous for its tasty fruit shakes. And they were right, the shake was good. There we witnessed the boracay sunset. That night Gersie and Weng went out to party but the rest of us are still sea sick to party. So we slept.
The third day: I heard the alarm, and got to my feet, it was 7 AM. Time for breakfast. Our flight back to Manila is early so we need to check in early as well. Some of us had last minute shopping for "pasalubong". We checked out at around 10 AM. We bade farewell of Boracay and was thankful of the good memories we shared together. The baggage seemed heavier not because of the extra weight but because its really sad to part with a real beauty that is Boracay.

And so we went to Caticlan pier once again, rode the boat, transfered to a van and arrived at Kalibo airport one and a half hour early of our expected flight. While waiting for our plane to arrive, we went outside and had some chitchat, Nhej and Ivy bought some pasalubong for Mae.

The plane arrived and we board. This time, I was seated at the window, yes!. This was what I was looking forward to. Gersie was beside me and Nhej next to him.

The plane taxied and had a lift off, and as the plane got farther away of Boracay, I chanced to take a last picture before it faded in the horizon. But it was unnoticeable in this picture. That tiny island there in the wide blue background is Boracay.

We arrived at NAIA at around 3PM. Back to reality I thought.

Somehow the BORA experience seemed like a dream, a distant dream, but none of us were sad as our bantering and kidding around continued till we got to Mae's house to deliver our pasalubong. It was past 8PM when i arrived home. I felt short of BORA but nevertheless all the wait was worthwhile. I thank my bestfriend Ivy for the spectacular experience. Till next time BORA!!

Gloomy Tuesday

2008-11-11T20:32:00.004+08:00

It has been raining for two days now because of a storm and the gloom is getting into my mind sending doubts about the coming "bora" week if it will ever be fun and exciting. When we go to the beach we all expect the sun to greet us, right? but all this raining clearly had me hoping that by Saturday it will be sunny. I mean I would enjoy a rainy frolic in the beach but not all day. Of course I want to stroll, make sand castles, meet new people, dive or snorkel perhaps, but how can you do all those if it's raining?

I just hope that come Saturday it will all be sunny. I pray.

Vertigo

2008-10-31T15:26:00.006+08:00

Yesterday, I had my vertigo attacks once again. I was browsing on the internet and suddenly I heard a ringing sound in my right ear, after about two seconds the vertigo came. The ringing sound and the sudden hearing loss is my signal, and whenever the ominous sign came, a vertigo comes next. I was frightened of the terrible feeling and I panicked. I was profusely sweating and breathing heavily. Good thing I was in my cousin's house then, and I was fortunate that he (my cousin) helped me get my medicine. I would rather be sick of any disease rather than feel vertigo, it really isn't fun. The worst feeling I have ever felt in my entire life.

After about 3 minutes I was feeling better. The medicine really helped alot. (But ofcourse it will help, the medicine is really expensive) Though I am feeling better now, I am still afraid that this hearing/vestibular problem I have will return soon. Maybe next week I will see my EENT doctor again for my hearing tests.

Happy Halloween Everyone!!

2008-10-31T15:22:00.000+08:00

The week that was...

2008-10-23T14:00:00.003+08:00

Well, it has been a week since I last posted anything in my journal and so many things had happened. I wasn't able to update because I was so busy then, and I didn't had the chance to go online, only just now. So, last Saturday, Nhejj, Weng, Me and Lorie went to Cocomanga's in Pacita, San Pedro, Laguna. We had two buckets of San Mig Light and danced to the booming music, it was really fun. The lively atmosphere and merry crowd was all good, but I kinda felt flustered wondering whether it is a straight scene or not, but maybe more of the straight, I am more relaxed and at ease in the gay scene because I feel I belong to one, so besides that, everything else is good. Weng was eager to hunt for prey (girls) but then, even when she's drunk she still thinks about Yhen (her girlfriend) and that's sweet. Well, we all set our gaze for prey, only Nhejj can't because Lorie is with us. We went home an hour past midnight, and we were drunk talking on our way home. It was fun remembering it, and I haven't done it for a long time now.

Sunday, my sister and his boyfriend, Dave, went home. We had a family gathering and my aunts and uncles came. I always liked gatherings, especially when all of my cousins come together for lunch or even dinner, because it happens seldom. Plus, I really like seeing my cousins. That night we talked over a bottle of tequila together with Kuya Jek. It was fun, remembering how Karls (my cousin) gets so flushed whenever he gets drunk and we laughed even on how he sprints his way to somehow make himself sober. Unfortunately we had to end the night off early because Kuya Jek was tired and sleepy.

Wednesday, Yesterday, Kate, my cousin, celebrated her birthday. Well, it was not that celebrated and all but it was cool. We don't need a grand celebration, we just have to be thankful that she's still alive and a year older now.

Today, Kuya Jek left for Qatar to work again. I wasn't able to say goodbye then because, I think I don't want to, part of it because there is really no point in saying it because we'll see each other again after a year and half of it because there was someone in their house I was avoiding to see. I will not further expound on that. And so that was the week that was.

The Wizard

2008-10-15T14:04:00.003+08:00

Finally, the video for the wizard class in Diablo III has been released, and it was spectacular. The visual effects are stunning. The new skills like disintegrate, electrocute ( an improved chain lightning), teleport and slow time are just awesome to behold. And I know that more are coming, its even exciting to wait for the next class to emerge but until then all we can do is wait till another development comes. I am so playing this game when it comes out in the market. Here is the trailer for the wizard class.

Jei's Pre-Birthday Celebration

2008-10-12T16:01:00.005+08:00

Last night we...Nhejj, Gersie, Weng, Jei, Gladys and I celebrated Jei's birthday in Tagaytay City, Cavite. It was past 9 in the evening when we departed from Laguna to go to GMA where we will meet Jei and Gladys. It was planned that we will depart earlier than 9 but of course the eternally late Gersie couldn't be more sluggish as always. We learned that he lost both his cellphone from a modus operandi of burglars but anyway he made it through even without his cellphone. And so after a minute of chity chatting, Jei arrived in his galant excited, while Gladys remained in the driver's seat reluctant. We just ate some french fries and went on to Tagaytay after. The cold breeze of Tagaytay had a feeling of nostalgia as we laughed the memories of past Tagaytay encounters. When we arrived at the Perfect View Restaurant the drinking started. At first it was all talk but when we're all tipsy and on the verge of drunkenness we played a game of spin the bottle. The endless banter and childish atmosphere soon became awkward when Nhejj started to ask personal things about Jei and Gladys. It all went well and we had our share of points of view. In the end, we all learned a thing or two about Jei and Nhejj's arguments. We were greeted by the twilight of dawn as we rode home to rest, bringing with us memories of an unforgettable October.

The story behind the pictures: This was taken while Nhejj, Weng and I were waiting for Gersie to arrive at BMP Supermarket. We were smiling and yet we're so pissed at Gersie who has been always "eternally late".

At GMA, Cavite, we stopped at McDonald's. Gersie hadn't had dinner so, we ordered and had some while waiting for Jei and Gladys to arrive.

We then stopped at Andok's Tagaytay to get some "pulutan" and while we're waiting we took some pictures.We were so excited and happy, obviously. This picture was taken inside the car.

We're not yet drunk here. Well almost. These pictures were taken at Perfect View Cottage rentals.

After the merry drinking, it was past 4 in the morning, we were tired and sleepy and we thought what better way to jump start ourselves but to have a hot goto and so we decided to have some as we talked about the coming month that will surely be exciting.

The Proposition of Cowardice

2008-10-06T13:09:00.002+08:00

When someone says you are a coward, how will you react? I have been told that I was a coward many times before, more by myself than any other person that I have talked to. I have realized this weakness a long time ago, but I guess I was really too ignobly timid to face it. I stayed static for too long. Idle and apathetic. But when someone budges you to move forward, you gain momentum. I was moved when my friend slapped the truth right into my face. Like an epiphany, it was somehow painful, not because the truth always hurt, but because someone close to my heart brought an issue I always avoided. And it was somehow good, because I took it constructively. I never sulked after that, instead I took it as a dare. A challenge to myself, And now every time I feel I am hesitant about making a decision, I always tell myself, "are you really a coward Paul?" which then jump starts me to move forward. Quite the contrary, it was still an insult to my ego, but that's the truth, and I am proud that I have real friends who doesn't bother telling something harsh just to insult me but to raise me up and offer a helping hand to move me back to my senses.

Used to being Single???

2008-10-05T15:23:00.003+08:00

I think I am now used to being single. I have been single almost all my life and now and I don't know if I feel good about it or not. Sometimes, when melancholy strikes in, I sulk on the thought of me finding a partner, but when it seemed that I found him, I suddenly realize I don't feel love at all. Now this has occurred twice now and every time I think about it I become hesitant to try again. Can you believe? I don't really know myself. Unbelievable. But it's true. I think of reasons to justify my actions, and I came up with just maybes and not sure answers. Maybe I haven't found him yet, maybe I am really snobbish just like what my friends say, maybe I just can't stand the thought of someone following my every move, maybe I am just enjoying my time being single (huh? I don't seem like I'm enjoying it) okay, I'm wrong about that, anyway, perhaps I am just too timid to act, I mean, I certainly would not find him if I don't do something about it, like stay in one place. I have to move and find him. I think that two persons who are meant to be together always gravitate towards each other, and when I stay static, nothing happens. Maybe. Nothing really is a sure answer, but for now I guess I have to find it. Take it into an experiment, find what's true and what's not. Now that's something I am sure about.

Finding Cody Cummings

2008-10-04T22:47:00.002+08:00

I was browsing hot house entertainment new releases when I stumbled upon this beautiful man, Cody Cummings. His face is like mesmerizing, every feature he has is just full of testosterone. Then on I searched for his website and pictures and videos of him, and it all lead to codycummings.com. The site was good, I learned that he was bisexual, and the only thing he ever came close to an m2m scene is a blowjob. I was disappointed ofcourse I would much like to see him fuck a man, but I can live with it. Just to see him is worth the search. I became an instant fan. Here is a picture of himself which I got from his website. A lot of his pictures and some clips are found on his website.

Introducing...My Porn Stash!

2008-10-04T14:30:00.004+08:00

I've recently added a link list of my porn stash. Okay, I admit, I like porn so much, and right now I have tons of them, and I like to collect more. I have an insatiable appetite for it. Does it mean I'm sick? lol. But of course we're talking about gay and bisexual porn here, not straight. Anyway, my porn stash will feature my favorite porn stars, directors and lots of beautiful men that is to die for. I warn you though, if you're not into gay porn, don't click it anyway. I'll update it whenever I add more links that catch my attention.

An Unexpected Loss

2008-10-03T19:20:00.003+08:00

I was talking about how I was happy to receive an unexpected gift from God on my last article and it hasn't sank in all yet when God chose to take it back away. My sister was rushed to the hospital because she had miscarriage. The gift we had been waiting for will never come soon, but at least my sister is okay, that is something to be thankful about. Perhaps it is meant to be, I said to my sister. Not reassuring her but just my way comforting her. It's a sad monday.

An Unexpected Gift

2008-09-24T14:52:00.005+08:00

Two nights ago, an unexpected message from my sister came on my cellphone. My sister ominously asked if I have load. I thought maybe she wants to talk about something and I was right. I learned from her that she was 7 weeks pregnant. I was like shocked, happy and resentful all at the same time because I kinda expected that sooner or later she will get pregnant because she is sleeping with her boyfriend. Anyway, after about 5 seconds i was aghast, and everything sank in, she asked for my opinion.

I am as always at her side of course, and at this time what I can only give is my piece of advice because obviously she was distraught. She didn't know how to break the news to our parents. I told her they have the right to know, she has to expect the normal reaction of parents when they learn that their only daughter gets pregnant. They can get angry but eventually they will understand.

For me, it was okay, because I'll have a nephew or niece now. Am I that old already? wow. Time really flies fast, we were still playing outside oblivious to the scorching heat of the sun yesterday, today, she's pregnant, tomorrow I'll be an uncle. I just pray that everything goes well for my sister and my family.

The Durance of Hate: An Introduction to my Life

2008-09-24T13:31:00.007+08:00

I know I should have done this the first time I wrote on my journal, because this should be the introduction, but I guess I just didn't know that I should begin it this way, but here it goes.

I am Paul Daniel Aguilar, now 26 years, 9 months and 22 days to be exact. I am the eldest son, my only sister is one year younger than me. I was born and raised here in Biñan, Laguna.

I guess I have no perfect recollection of my childhood like everybody else, but I'd like to think that somehow it was meant to be that way.

My mother, who always told me that she nearly died giving birth to me wasn't really that much of a hands-on mother because she had to work that time to augment my family's income and so my aunts (her sisters) took care of me.

It was till I turned 2 or 3 years old that my aunts married and made a family of their own. So my father came home to reprise his role, actually he and mom took turns, this was according to what mom told me. I was a giddy child and looking at my pictures from back then I can conclude that I was cared for that much, being the only child in the family that time, I was pretty much the center of all attention.

I do remember my aunt Elvie telling me that I started scribbling at a very young age. Usually children only draw lines that don't make sense, but me? I started drawing shapes that time. I also remember mom telling me that at the time I was born, an architect died (I don't know how did they get this information), somehow she said that his soul reincarnated in me, well obviously this sounds crap, and I don't believe in it.

It was after a year that my sister was born. Mom said that April's (my sister) was an accident because she was not planned. Eventually my mom have to go to HongKong to work as a domestic helper to sustain our family. Dad came home from Saudi Arabia to care for us but like my mother, he was never a hands-on dad, even worse.

My father, well he is a typical father, emotionless, disciplinarian, strict, quick to anger and vengeful. Like her mother, I have concluded that growing up in a place where they have to be strong in emotion and body, transformed my father into the heartless man he is now. Well not really "heartless", almost, but I guess he is not good at expressing his emotions. Bad culture and upbringing plus bad genes made him terrible.

It was when my father decided to come home for good that all the bad luck came and circled upon us ever since. He always blamed my mother for not saving the money he sent us, and till now he hasn't forgiven my mother for that.

I couldn't understand why he was that angry. Why is easy for him to point and blame my mother, when I know that all the money he sent when he was still working abroad was spent wisely on us (me and my sister) both.

My mother who is sensitive and melodramatic is also a martyr. Even then when she first came here in Tubigan (because she's from Sta. Cruz) eyebrows raised, a commotion stirred. My father's family wasn't really that consenting to their marriage and since then have been treating our family quite unfairly. Being the martyr that she was, she wholeheartedly accepted that she was destined to be like this, to be hurt and be hurt again, even though she knew its hard to be condescending. She knew that she was viewed by my father's family as a threat and an intimidation to their pathetic existence.

I may seem biased, but I don't care, maybe I am really biased. I favor my mother more than my father because I grew up not knowing him. All I have of him are mere assumptions, from his body language, his dealings with other people, his techniques and his upbringing, because my father is a man of silence. He chose to be this way, only to be known this way.

I pretty much know that I was born gay. I remember back then I know that I was different, not that I prefer playing with toys for girls or wearing girl's clothes because i didn't, but because I was attracted with boys as well.

My body seemed to move gracefully like a girl and my voice and intonation seemed to sway even though I didn't want it to be that way. I was attracted to guys yes, but never had I had any recollection that I had malicious intent. Not that early. But my innocence was soon abused by the people around me. They took advantage of me.

I remember a distant kin rubbing his penis on me. I didn't know what he was doing and I can't remember the feeling I felt back then, but something in me like what he did. I liked his cock. maybe I like cocks. I was amused by them. How this thing of flesh can give pleasure and pain not withstanding. How it can conquer a woman or a man's heart for that matter.

I also remember playing with boys of my age and how we compare cocks and I would get that instant enthusiasm and excitement (not to mention the erection) just by looking at their boners. I struggled to keep myself from touching them, but of course kids of my age then are experimental and its normal, only I wasn't.

I sucked cock that early, I don't know if it felt good because some of them forced me to do it, most of them were just playing because to them its just a phase but to me, it was confusing.

A time came when all the pleasure and confusion became fear. A girl playmate of mine caught me blowing a boy playmate. She went to my parents and my father came furious.

This part of my life became my turning point and is the major event that shaped my personality. This maybe is the root of all my present inconsistencies. I have no complete recollection of what happened exactly probably because this is too painful for me to remember. I am not sure if what I remember was a justification for my anger or a feigned memory devised by my ego.

And so my dad dragged me outside for all the neighbors to see, and when finally I was inside my grandmother's house, he began to hit me with a plank, while shouting curses at me, telling me that I have given shame to the family. This perhaps has caused me unbearable pain as every hit became more than pain, more than fear, but anger. This hatred became the most important emotion I had back then and because I still had respect for my dad, I learned to bury it inside, and there it became immense and deeply rooted.

The insult to my integrity didn't stopped there for my neighbors then viewed me as someone who's different, and they judged me for that. My playmates discriminated me and so I distanced myself to them. But even worse was what my family did. They say that the greatest wound can be inflicted by the blade closest to your heart and it is. I thought my family would support me, defend me and understand me for who I am, but they didn't. Instead they aggravated the crime. They became accessories and perpetrators themselves. My hatred was so great that it is impossible to escape from it. I was locked inside my durance of hate and this hatred became my fuel, my backbone and my drive to survive.

I became aloof, scared of people, scared of straight men, because most of the insults i had was from them. I became scared of looking straight in the eye of people because I only see the terrible eyes of my father. I have lost much of my self-esteem and myself because what i did was I hid my true self away. i abandoned my true identity because it was too painful to be honest with myself.

Then on I wore a mask, denying that I was gay. Getting angry when someone calls me gay, not because I wasn't, but because I despise discrimination. I hated their ignorance. I know I could have stand for what I believe then but I didn't. I was too afraid that my family would disown me.

I became doubtful of everyone else. I became paranoid, I seem to view everyone as a threat to myself, because I thought they would hurt me again.

This denial of my true identity went on till after two decades of my life. I went to school, and i found my refuge there. Even though I had to wear my mask for my own protection, my high school friends accepted me for who I am. They had a feeling that I was not really myself bu they respected my decision. Everyday as I went to school, I breathe a lot lighter as if a heavy burden has been lifted from me.

My high school friends were the first to know the real me and they accepted me wholeheartedly. They were the first to save me from being eaten alive by hatred. They made me believe that there is really something beautiful just behind the clouds.

It was funny remembering how difficult it was to remove my mask and reveal my true identity but I survived, and like a glass on the verge of breaking that is full of water to the brim, my friends helped me empty my glass.

Everything seemed okay until I realized that my confession of my real identity to my friends is just a tiny speck in a bigger picture where bigger hurdles are present for me to overcome. Eventually I had to face them one by one.

The same thing happened when I was in college, but this time around it wasn't that difficult anymore.

At that point in my life I learned a valuable lesson, that by denying myself I constantly hurt the people that care for me. "What a tangled web we weave when at first we choose to deceive." That was the famous quote that brought me back to my senses.

Then on I have become more understanding of people but more importantly I became more aware of myself, because back then I was like a shattered glass. By becoming more honest with myself I paved the way for my own healing. Now one more hurdle remains to be overcome and that is to tell my family that I am gay. I have decided that I would tell them when the right time comes, and that time I thought will be known only to me.

Prelude to the Bora experience

2008-09-21T20:03:00.003+08:00

Ivy, my bestfriend, now confirmed that the trip to Boracay is official. November 15 till 18 will be the much awaited "Bora Experience" and I can't wait till November comes. I hope evrything goes well. But before the bora experience, Jei, also a high school friend will have a pre-birthday celebration come October 10-11 in Tagaytay. Two fun-filled events, exciting indeed!

A Fresh Look

2008-09-21T17:36:00.002+08:00

This has been the third time I have changed my template and I can't seem to stop, but eventually, I have to say, I am proud that I chose this template. This kinda represents my personality. Thanks to ourblogtemplates.com for making such a work of art. I think that I will settle with this template for a long time.

Hiatus

2008-09-03T12:31:00.003+08:00

It has been weeks since my last post. I wasn't able to update my blog because I was sick the past few weeks. I had vertigo attacks and was rushed to the hospital. Until now, I still have bouts of 'dizziness'. But I can safely say that the discomfort I feel now is bearable. After I recuperate I will resume on posting new articles here on my blog.

*Thanks for all the people who greeted me when I was sick. I recuperated fast because of y'all.

Exciting News

2008-08-14T16:14:00.002+08:00

I recently received my eligibility to take the NCLEX exam, and I felt suddenly excited at the thought of me going through the whole process, though I am a bit worried because I might make mistakes. Mistakes would mean big bucks lost. Surely I don't want to repeat the registration process again. I hope I can get through all of these and pass the exam in the end.

Increase your technorati authority

2008-08-08T13:50:00.001+08:00

Here is a way to increase your technorati authority posted by Trestin. For the whole process check his blog here.

1. BLOGGER IDEAS
http://trestinideas.blogspot.com/

2. NATHOLOGY
http://nathanlawis.blogspot.com/

3. TRESTIN HOME
http://trestinmeacham.blogspot.com/

4. Sound Libraries by Discovery Sound
http://samplecds.blogspot.com/

5. World Ethnic Sample CDs
http://discoverysound.blogspot.com/

6. TRESTIN HISTORY
http://trestinhistory.blogspot.com/

7. LDS STUFF
http://ldsstuff.blogspot.com/

8. Super Space Cowboy
http://superspacecowboy.blogspot.com/

9. TRESTIN POLITICAL
http://trestinpolitical.blogspot.com/

10. Jill's Grumbles
http://jillsgumbles.blogspot.com/

11. Trestin Sports
http://trestinsports.blogspot.com/

12. Flotsam and Jetsam
http://iamtolkienreader.blogspot.com/

13. ASK TRESTIN
http://asktrestin.blogspot.com/

14. PASS IT ON PLATES
http://passitonplatesblog.blogspot.com/

15. TRESTIN ADVENTURES
http://trestinlife.blogspot.com/

16. BIG MONEY LIST
http://bigmoneylist.blogspot.com/

17. PARNELL FOREVER
http://trestinparnell.blogspot.com/

18. Hangukblogger
http://hangukblogger.blogspot.com/

19. TRESTIN STORE
http://trestinstore.blogspot.com/

20. John Spence Blog
http://johnspence.com/blog/

21.TRESIN HALL OF FAME
http://trestinhalloffame.blogspot.com/

Join us and spread the word!

Diablo III official gameplay footage from Blizzard

2008-08-08T13:37:00.001+08:00

About two days ago my cousin and I learned from a forum that the rumor is true, that Blizzard is making the sequel to Diablo II. The cinematic trailer and the gameplay footage is just awesome to behold. I really can't wait to play this game. Here is the gameplay footage from Blizzard. Enjoy!

and the second part...

Read or Die

2008-08-08T13:36:00.001+08:00

Yesterday My cousin, Yen, brought home this new anime I thought was just crap, until I watched it. Well, it was not that awesome (not like Rebuild of Evangelion which deserves another entry here in my blog) but it can surprise the viewer. The exposition of the plot is sluggish but the author (Hideyuki Kurata) used it to its advantage as it will make the viewer hooked till the whole season is finished. Read or Die involves three paper masters, as the name implies, the three can literally control paper, strengthen it as hard as metal, make paper-mache-like creatures, and form a bow or arrow with it. The whole plot and story can be read at wikipedia if one is interested at knowing its background, story and characters. I recommend this anime to all anime lovers out there. This one is entertaining.

Gibberish

2008-08-08T13:35:00.000+08:00

It has been a while since I last wrote something here in my blog. Summer is really over us. Its so hot here and humid I always wish I am in some beach in Palawan or Cebu, but really I can't, because I still don't have work and it makes me sad really. Sometimes I think, maybe I messed it up big time, but then again, what is important is that whenever we fall, we rise up again and learn from our mistakes. (I think I have said this before) I am never good at talkin because most of the time, Its hard to practice what I preach and makes me not credible to talk about something. I just want to blurt it all out here (this is my blog after all, and I can say whatever I feel saying). I am tortured everyday of deciding to take sides. Choosing a right path is always difficult for most of us but it is more difficult for me, because I am somewhat afraid of making mistakes (My friends call me a perfectionist, but its an understatement really. I am well aware that nothing is perfect in this world, but we can strive to be one that is close to perfection). Should I go for another secondary hospital that is below standard just to gain experience or go for a tertiary hospital and gain quality experience but then again, should I choose to go to a tertiary hospital, I will be faced with so many hurdles to tread on to. The mere fact of this difficulty defeats my purpose everytime I get on the verge of deciding to apply on a tertiary hospital. This maybe is shallow compared to other problems that bug the universe, but I guess, somehow I am well aware that this problem is causing too much of a fuss because I have to decide on something major, something that will affect me for the rest of my life.

I know soon I will know what to choose. I just hope it comes sooner.

Happy Birthday Aizel!!

2008-08-08T13:34:00.000+08:00

Last wednesday, Aizel (a friend since highschool) celebrated her birthday in advance, we (but more of them) decided to celebrate it at a resort near here. It was fun, especially we get to see a long lost friend, JM, it's good to see her again, plus, Gina is there also, after giving birth to her first baby, its a breath of fresh air to see her after her delivery. Here are some of the pictures taken at the event.

Aizel has an awful body (kidding) JM left so soon, so she's not here in the picture.

What's with the model posing?

JM (wearing green polo shirt) got too excited, Mae (on the middle) shows her asset.

Where was I looking?

A second take of the first picture.

A happy moment pose. An unforgettable moment like this deserves an entry in my blog. This summer started good, I know the rest will be as good, my friends make me believe so.

I would like to say thanks to Gina for uploading the pictures. Now on with the blogging thing.

Luv luv luv

2008-08-08T13:33:00.002+08:00

The first time I heard this song at Imeem.com, I fell in luv. Ever since I heard Ms. Janet Jackson's songs, I made myself a Janet Jackson fan. Now this song is about falling in love, now don't get me wrong I'm not in love with someone, I am just in love with the song and of course with Ms. Janet. She rocks! (^_^)

LUV

(Janet Jackson-Discipline Album)

I've been down this road before

I know it very well

And I just can't believe I've been struck

I didn't see it (comin')

I was (blindfolded)

I'm caught up in (collision)

And now I'm so done

You crept up like a spider

I got caught in your web

There was no way to escape

I tried to switch (my lanes)

But then I hit (my brakes)

Sparks turned into (flames)

I shoulda stopped at the red light 'cause

Now I'm like a deer caught in headlights

Ugh, he hit me with his love, love, love, love, love

He hit me with his (love)

And now I'm in love, love, love, love

Got me caught in a wreck, I'm a mess

Got me caught in a wreck

Somebody call the paramedics (love)

He hit me with his love, love, love, love

I was creepin' the road

Just knew I had control

So how did I end up gettin' hitI had on my (belt)

I checked it (myself)

So how in the (world) did I get caught

I had the right of way

I saw the sign you disobeyed(It was your fault)

I can't believe the way you wrecked into my heart

I think I should sue ya

I shoulda stopped at the red light 'cause

Now I'm like a deer caught in headlights

Ugh, he hit me with his love, love, love, love, love

He hit me with his (love)

And now I'm in love, love, love, love

Got me caught in a wreck, I'm a mess

Got me caught in a wreck

Somebody call the paramedics (love)

He hit me with his love, love, love, love

You caught me by surprise

I can't believe that I'm falling for this guy

Somebody call the cops 'cause I'm falling for that guy

You caught me by surprise

I can't believe that I'm falling for this guy

Somebody call the cops 'cause I'm falling for that guy

I shoulda stopped at the red light 'cause

Now I'm like a deer caught in headlights

Ugh, he hit me with his love, love, love, love, love

He hit me with his (love)

And now I'm in love, love, love, love

Got me caught in a wreck, I'm a mess

Got me caught in a wreck

Somebody call the paramedics (love)

He hit me with his love

He crashed into my heart

Somebody call the paramedics (love)

He hit me with his love

He crashed into my heart

Somebody call the paramedics (love)

He hit me with his love, love, love, love, love

Book Review: The Servant of the Shard by R.A. Salvatore

2008-08-08T13:33:00.001+08:00

I have read this book a long time ago, but unfortunately I was'nt able to finish it because I listened from a bad critic from a cousin who owned the book. When the thought of making a novel of my own came to me, I decided to read it again from the start.

The novel was kinda confusing from the start, bombarding the reader with so many information on the characters and the lands of the forgotten realm. Now, if you are a novice to the forgotten realms then you'll wonder about it alot. But it's a mere scratch I should say, one can hit the wiki with all the information about it or continue on reading and focus with the story. The story-telling prowess of Salvatore is great and he enthralls readers with the complete detail of fight scenes in his novel. He remained true with the identities of the characters and the racial disparities, and the plot was wittingly devised. I can't wait to read the other two novels of a trilogy that tells the journey of the unusual alliance of Artemis and Jarlaxle. I give this novel four stars our of five.

Book Review: The Summoner (The Chronicles of the Necromancer Book 1) by Gail Z. Martin

2008-08-08T13:32:00.000+08:00

Last sunday, I finally bought a copy of The Summoner after lots of searching at bookstores around. I was able to reserve myself a copy from the store too far from here. Fortunately they have this stock transfer procedure which is very helpful to bookworms who doesnt want to go the distance for a prized book, and I am helpful with the customer service clerk for her hospitality. Earlier I have finished reading the novel and I should say I was a bit disappointed.

I felt that the way the story is told has a certain attraction for children, teens and young adults alike. But I guess, I was expecting it to be more exciting and gripping as a fantasy as created for adults. The book is more than six hundred pages, and the entire read was somehow painfully prolonged. Indeed, Rowling has a younger target audience and harry potter's plot is somehow simple and yet her story-telling prowess is what makes her a great author, Martin could've done this, I know it is unfair to compare her to Rowling, but I guess she could've done better. A necromancer should be someone who has dark inclinations, but here in her book the summoner, the main protagonist, Martrys Drayke, is somewhat too much good-hearted to be someone who deals with the dead. There is too much talk and less combat, and the main protagonist's journey on finding his power and controlling it is somewhat too far yet to reach. I felt that the read was somehow like a sluggish train ride from the slopes to the top of the mountain, only it may take me years before I reach the summit. The book lacks the parts of a great novel in the making, it seemed to be lacking of a gripping conflict and a catastrophic climax at the end, even if it is a part of a series, because I think every book in a series should have one. I felt kinda short of this book, but over all I give it three stars out of five.

Writing in progress..

2008-08-08T13:31:00.000+08:00

Four nights ago, an idea came to me while watching the movie "In the name of the King". I wanted to make a book, a fantasy novel set in a world of my imagination. Back in high school days I wrote a book, but eventually I had to give it up because I realized the plot was just disconnected and was not planned that much. There were so many loopholes that I had to abandon the story and I only got to the sixth chapter then. So what's different now? Well, last time the story was a sci-fi horror fiction, this time I wanted to make what I am passionate about, it's making a fantasy epic just like what Tolkien did. It took me three nights to start things up, and last night I started the backbone of the story. I am still writing the whole plot in progress and I am taking ideas from well renowned fantasy writers. I know its still too early to judge what will be the fate of this recent adventure of mine but I guess I am excited because I get to do something I am passionate about.

No Air

2008-08-08T13:30:00.000+08:00

This song from Jordin Sparks and Chris Brown is phenomenal. I really liked it the first time I heard it. Its like they're whispering with their powerful voices, it's just so good to listen to. Here is the lyrics of the song in case you want to sing along while listening to it.

No Air

Jordin Sparks duet with Chris Brown

Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air

If I should die before I wake

It's 'cause you took my breath away

Losing you is like living in a world with no air

OhI'm here alone, didn't wanna leave

My heart won't move, it's incomplete

If there was a way that I can make you understand

But how do you expect me to live alone with just me

'Cause my world revolves around you

It's so hard for me to breathe

[Chorus]

Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air

Can't live, can't breathe with no air

It's how I feel whenever you ain't there

It's no air, no air

Got me out here in the water so deep

Tell me how you gon' be without me

If you ain't here, I just can't breathe

It's no air, no air

No air, air No air, air No air,

I walked, I ran, I jumped, I flew

Right off the ground to float to you

There's no gravity to hold me down for real

But somehow I'm still alive inside

You took my breath, but I survived

I don't know how, but I don't even care

But how do you expect me to live alone with just me

'Cause my world revolves around you

It's so hard for me to breathe

[Chorus]

Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air

Can't live, can't breathe with no air

It's how I feel whenever you ain't there

It's no air, no air

Got me out here in the water so deep

Tell me how you gon' be without me

If you ain't here, I just can't breathe

It's no air, no air

No air, air No air, air No air, air

No air, air

No more

It's no air, no air

[Chorus]

Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air

Can't live, can't breathe with no air

It's how I feel whenever you ain't there

It's no air, no air

Got me out here in the water so deep

Tell me how you gon' be without me

If you ain't here, I just can't breathe

It's no air, no air

[Chorus]

Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air

Can't live, can't breathe with no air

It's how I feel whenever you ain't there

It's no air, no air

Got me out here in the water so deep

Tell me how you gon' be without me

If you ain't here, I just can't breathe

It's no air, no air

No air, air No air, air No air, air

No air, air

Hellboy's back!

2008-08-08T13:29:00.002+08:00

Since I saw the trailer of Hellboy II: the golden army I can't help but to feel excited and all. So I searched the official website for all the news about it that I can find. It's sad that I have to wait for five months to see it, but well, I know the wait is worth because this is a Guillermo Del Toro film. GDT is by far a visionary, a director/writer/producer extraordinaire, and one of my favorites (obviously). For those of you who haven't seen the movie trailer, here it is.

Waking up

2008-08-08T13:29:00.001+08:00

It's easier now to breathe. The answer I was searching for a long time finally came to me. This time I have made my decision. What I shared with this someone was just a dream and eventually I had to wake up. Its sad though, because it was such a wonderful dream, but dreams are just dreams, and so far from reality.

Dungeon Seige should stay as a game

2008-08-08T13:27:00.002+08:00

Last night I was able to buy a dvd of "In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Seige Tale". I had high hopes for this movie, well, as a gamer, I have been seeing alot of ads about this movie. I expected it to be more than just the beautiful teasers, but to my dismay, it was a trying-hard-to-compare-itself-with-the-lord-of-the-rings movie. Well, it cannot be helped that recent fantasy movies are being compared to the Lord of the Rings, because, let's face it, Tolkien started it all. Maybe I am just looking for something fresh, unique and rich in plot or story. The movie obviously has a weak storyline, the plot cannot give justice to its richly rendered CGIs. The cast was good, their acting was good enough, but I was constantly looking for superb jaw-dropping battle scenes. Maybe if the story was compelling enough it would be different. Another thing would be the sound editing, it is just terrible and annoying. I thought when I bought this, it would be a feel good experience but I think Eragon was way better than this movie, to think that Eragon didn't make it to the box-office list of great movies. It failed to rouse my attention, so I give it a 1 and a half star, out of 5 stars.

Monster Attack

2008-08-08T13:27:00.001+08:00

I was able to watch Cloverfield recently and all I can say is the camera is annoying. I wasnt able to see the monster all the time. Anyway, maybe the writers and the director really put it that way, the first person point of view is kinda unique, in that we do not see a lot of them especially in movies. Well, Doom was another first-person view movie, but it flapped the charts. I wonder if cloverfield followed the same path? Anyway, I give it a two and a half star out of five stars. (^_^)

Failure?? Nah ah

2008-08-08T13:26:00.001+08:00

I recently tried applying for a job at a hospital a few minutes drive away from home. When I got there a not-so-hospitable attendant at the reception said that all applications for staff nurses are on-hold. I prepared for it for long and that's all I got? I didn't even stayed for a minute. Well, I felt sad ofcourse, who wouldn't feel sad? After that I returned home contemplating when and where to commense my application again. Anyway, I gotta move on, I better be, than stay and wallow on my misery.

Finally!

2008-08-08T13:25:00.001+08:00

Finally, I get to talk to him again. After four days of no communication, its good to know that he is good and alive. Although, I am still confused, still its one thorn out of my back to know that he did not vanished without a trace. There are a lot of things that needs to be discussed with him, and I hope I get to deal with it all soon.

Vanishing Without A Trace

2008-08-08T13:24:00.000+08:00

"How do you decide on something you are not sure of?" This question seem to perpetuate itself everytime I find myself alone. I can't find solace nowadays, since this someone came, everything changed. For three days, I brutally endured a seemingly endless pondering of what to do with all the despair and confusion I am going through. I wanted to decide on something, but when I want to put an end on my suffering, I seem to hold back to just wait, just for a moment, because maybe I'm analyzing this too much or I am wrong.

Since the beginning, when I met him, a certain fear grew in me. I had a prediction, somehow, I knew that somewhere along the road, there will come a time, that this would happen. That I must decide on something that will either end our relationship or continue on to the unknown. I tried to reason out everything to save what I feel for him, but to my dismay, everything I have and feel for him, is like my relationship with him. It seems that it is impossible to establish something out of something vague. There is nothing sure about long distance relationships. It is always hard to maintain. But is it through that kind of difficulty that a relationship is tested? Maybe, I am just thinking too much, or maybe I set my expectations too high, maybe there is nothing between us, nothing really is, maybe its just wishful thinking, but whatever the reason is, I cant seem to justify all of it, because the truth remains elusive. It is not wrong to have wishful thinking I guess, but what is important is that we have a grasp of understanding between reality and imagination, between what is enough and what is too much.

I thought somehow that I may be over analyzing this, I really want to give this another try, but for now what is clear and palpable to me is my focus. I need to distract myself from these unhealthy thoughts. The decision is still left for me to take, but I will find it soon I guess. I may founder and stumble, but it is on these circumstances that we become strong.

Hypnotic on my Heart

2008-08-08T13:23:00.000+08:00

I never knew Gavin deGraw until this special someone told me to listen to his song "follow through" and I eventually fell in love with the song. Here is the lyrics of the song, and sing with me...

FOLLOW THROUGH

Gavin DeGraw

Oh, this is the start of something good

Don't you agree?

I, haven't felt like this in so many moons

You know what I mean

And we can build through this destruction

As we are standing on our feet

So, since you wanna be with me

You'll have to follow through

With every word you say

And I, all I really want is you

you to stick around

I'll see you everyday

But you have to follow through

You have to follow through

These reeling emotions they just keep me alive

They keep me in tune

Oh, look what I‘m holding here in my fire

This is for you

Am I too obvious to preach it

You're so hypnotic on my heart

So, since you wanna be with me

You'll have to follow through

With every word you say

And I, all I really want is you

you to stick aroundI'll see you everyday

But you have to follow through

You have to follow through

The words you say to me are unlike anything

That's ever been said

oh what you do to me is unlike anything

That's ever been

Am I too obvious to preach it?

You're so hypnotic on my heart

So since you wanna be with me

You'll have to follow through

With every word you say

And I, all I really want is you

you to stick around

I'll see you everyday

So since you wanna be with me

You'll have to follow through

With every word you say

And I, all I really want is you

you to stick around

I'll see you everyday

But you have to follow through

You have to follow through

You're gonna have to follow

Oh, this is the start of something good

Don't you agree?

Hierarchy Assault

2008-08-08T13:22:00.002+08:00

Here's a look at a Heirarchy versus Masari gameplay from petrogamers.com. Enjoy!

Universe at War

2008-08-08T13:22:00.001+08:00

I set my eyes upon this game the moment I saw the giant walkers (those giant tripods reminscent of steven spielberg's war of the worlds) only these are much more cooler and I fell in love with it. This is not your ordinary generic RTS game and Petroglyph (the makers of this game) assured that it will be different. The three alien races that you can control here are unique and that each has its own strengths and weaknesses, the heirarchy have their enormous radioactive walkers, the novus have their amazing networks and sheer numbers, and the masari can change into two forms depending on their use. I have an affinity for the heirarchy race, because they wreak havoc with those cool walkers. Suddenly I felt frustrated because I still can't play it yet because I still dont have a PC that can actually play this game in its optimum but then I thought, I will have this some time in the future I am sure of that. Meanwhile, here is the awesome opening trailer for Universe at War: Earth Assault. Did Steven Spielberg did this?

It Ain't Poetic Enough

2008-08-08T13:20:00.000+08:00

Two days ago I translated a poem I made four years ago for a certain textfriend of mine. When I remember why I made it, it just feels corny. I was pretty immature back then. I tried my best translating my own poem, but I guess the tagalog version sounds more poetic than the translated one. Anyway, here it is in its original and translated form.

"Kaibigan Mo Lang"

Minsan sa daloy ng aking buhay

ika'y dumating at humalo sa agos

nang panahon ng buwan at my bituin

ika'y sumiksik

hinawi ang ulap at ang kadiliman

at doo'y sinimulan ang isang

bagong pagkakaibigan

Takot ako, parang naiwang kumakapa sa dilim

Duwag ako.

Katulad pa rin ng dati

sa giyera at unos

ng umaalimpuyong damdamin

Balisa sa bawat tawag mo

paghihintay sa bawat araw na lumipas

"First time mo?...Oo"

Patawd, isang malaking kasinungalingan

na kahit kailan ay di mo malalaman

Natuwa sa anyong pinapakita mo

sa bawat dagok nakaabang

upang saluhin ko

dahil kaibigan mo lang ako

nakontento na ako.

Inis, sa pagkukubli sa sarili

dahil takot ako

natakot ako sa kawalan

natakot akong iwanan mo ako.

Tinaboy kita sa pagaakalang

hindi kita kayang mahalin

isang anino ng aking kathang isip

Isang sugal na malinaw ang

aking pagkatalo.

Sinaktan kita.

Patawad.

Ngayon, masaya ka

kasama ng bagong mahal mo

Naiinis ako, naiinggit, nagsisisi

dahil isa ka lamang anino ng

aking kathang-isip.

Minsan sa ilang taong lumipas

hinakdawan mo ang dalwamput dalawang

taong alaala

ngunit kaibigan lang kita.

isang pirasong hiram sa aking isip

na hindi magtatagal

dahil kaibigan mo lang ako

ngayon nasa laot ka na

at ako'y nasa pampang.

Ninais kong mag-alay sayo

ng mga kahulugan at di ng mga salita

pagkat kulang ang mga salita

Malyo ka na

di maaninag

hahanapin ka mga matang nagaasam

ng mga taong katulad mo

dahil kaibigan mo lang ako.

Magtatagpo tayo

sa panahon na pumagitna sa atin

kasabay ng aking oyayi

at doon sasabihin

Paalam.

Dahil kaibigan mo lang ako.

Here's the translated version...

"Only Your Friend"

Once in the flow of my life

you came and mixed through the current

at the time of the moon and the stars

you persisted

parted clouds and shed light

and there began

our friendship

I was afraid I am left behind

I cower

like before

in the battle and the storm

of crashing emotions

Troubled whenever you call

I await the days that pass

"Is it your first time? yes."

Sorry

It will forever remain a secret.

Happy, with your every gesture

with every insult i await

to take willingly

because I am only your friend

and I am contented with it.

Annoyed for deceiving myself

because I was afraid

I was afraid of nothing

I was afraid of you leaving.

I shut myself thinking

that I cant love you

because you are only a figment of my imagination

a gamble with a clear defeat.

i hurt you.

I am sorry.

Now you are happy

together with your lover

I am annoyed, envious and regretful

because you are only

a figment of my imagination.

Once in a few years that passed

you leaped through twenty-two years

of memory

but you are only a friend

A peice that is only borrowed in my mind

that will soon vanish

because you are only a friend

Now you are at sea

and I am at shore.

I wanted to offer you

meanings and not words

because words are'nt enough

to express what i feel

You are now too far

fading in the horizon

my eyes will yearn for you

because you are only a friend.

We will meet

halfway

together with my lullaby

I shall say

Goodbye

because you are only a friend.

The Kiss of Ink to Paper

2008-08-08T13:19:00.002+08:00

This is a poem I patterned from Gerald Feljandro Ramos' poem whom he wrote at the end of his article "Waters, wings, words and the Phenomenon of Goodbye." I made this on the 30th of October of 2005.

"The Kiss of Ink to Paper"

Once in the deepest darkest blue
you brought forth your misery
and your shadow swum my sea
right then I long to wipe your saline tears
for in the open dark
you have heard my song
and i wish it would last in memory
but like the sea that brought me forth
could not contain me in my longing
to step at the sand in which you stand
and become your shadow
even though I will wither each day
at the glaring truth of the sun
that I am of sea and you are of sand
if ever you wish that I be with you
know that I am here to kiss again
your soles and your worries away
for I too am the sea
in the quiet stillness I shall wait
Once in the deepest darkest blue.

Poetry

2008-08-08T13:19:00.001+08:00

This is a poem I made ages ago. From now on I'll be publishing some of my poems here in my blog. I like to categorize this poem as "queer" and it is all about what guys like me play.

"The Game of Men"

He shall come to me
in my sleep
for we shall play a game
a game of fools
of spying and of hunting
and of pretending
being pure and clean
spite the shadow to everything

We shall play a game
a game of pain
of stabbing and of slithering
craving to stop
but then again to continue
for there is pleasure in pain
and with pain comes eternity

We shall play a game
a game of sorrow

of death and disappearance
where the heart is numb

for he shall but leave again
wilt not despair for this void
for i know

i shall play a game again and again
the game of men.

Resolve

2008-08-08T13:18:00.001+08:00

Life holds no promises to what will come our way. It makes no guarantees as to what we will have. It just gives us time- to make choices and to take chances.

I received this quote from my classmate. She sent it as a text message. I felt something while reading it earlier. An epiphany came, that this time I have to make a choice, no matter how difficult it is, no matter how it sucks accepting that all the planning I have deliberately pondered on so much for weeks or even months are just ruined and I have no idea where my choices will take me.

I just have to let myself be caught in the drift and wonder on later where the drift will take me when I am already there. I know somehow that wherever this drift will take me, its for a good reason. Whether it be good or bad, there's always an explanation why I was taken there. All I have to do is to stand by it, and be proud that I made a choice and that I stepped out of my bubble once and for all.

Desperation

2008-08-08T13:17:00.000+08:00

This is an excerpt from my journal written January 25, 2008. This is a reply from my blog "Uncertainty". Here it is...

"Earlier i found out through Marison that our application at PHC is still hanging. She called and she found out that those that applied last january 2007 was still being processed, so far from the date we applied which is october of that same year.
I felt sad when i learned from Marison the bitter truth. I felt as if my knees gave away to gravity. All of my plans now are ruined. My plan to work at PHC and become a cardiovascular nurse and eventually use the experience to my advantage when I'm able to study again and earn my MSN degree at UCSF.
I know that I'm a control freak. I always plan ahead and ponder on things twice, thrice even four times until I've settled all the consequences of my decision, until it becomes seemingly perfect, although nothing is perfect. When a single piece is changed, I feel anxious, because I'm not used to making decisions so quickly. I'll have no time to think about the consequences of my decision. I'm not born to be a risk-taker, but is it bad?
My friend Gersie is as always the opposite of me, but look at him, he's survived it all, and I believe that if he can do it so can I. All i need perhaps is a push from a friend. But truth is not even my closest friends can because even though they can tell me positive things, it still depends on me whether I step forward or hesitate back.
Today is also Ivy's birthday, she is my bestfriend. She has told me once that she can take me to Dubai. Yesterday she asked me again if I want to go there, and yes I have to ponder again as much as I can if this is good or bad, but this time I have to move on, I have to make a decision, because I just cant stand here and be left out. Luck favors the brave, and so in order for me to succeed I must be strong and resolute. I have to make a choice once and for all."

Uncertainty

2008-08-08T13:16:00.000+08:00

There is this lingering feeling of uncertainty that is bothering me these past few days. Its the middle of January and still Philippine Heart Center has not called. I mean they did not promised anything but i am expecting their call this month. This has let me think things over, and I am afraid that this might ruin things I planned before. I am so bored every single day. I perpetually think of things to do just to kill time and everyday becomes a challenge as this load of guilt is becoming more heavy as days pass. I mean, I feel guilty because I am becoming more of a burden than a benefit in my family. Here I am a fully-pledged registered nurse bumming around while my sister who unfortunately wasnt able to finish college due to financial constraints we have is clearly having a promising future. I do sound envious isnt it? But to tell the truth, maybe I am, its normal to feel this way, when a possible threat is perceived we devise defenses, no matter how it sometimes seem lame. I am aware of it, but at the same time I am grateful that my sister's future is becoming brighter. Because together with her promising future is the future of our family as well. I do pray to the Lord that this year be bountiful for all of us.

I still believe in Byrne's "Law of Attraction". I still want to be positive inspite of the depression and despair I have been feeling lately. I am aware that these feelings will only take me down further and is not progressive. I believe that my time will come and great things come to those who wait.

Goofing Around

2008-08-08T13:15:00.000+08:00

Here are some of the pictures taken a week ago, with my cousins and my sister. Take a look at them.

This is of course my beautiful sister.

Dont focus on the rubbish in the background.

Speak no evil, hear no evil.

Playing around with matches in black and white.

They are advertising our new favorite brand, Pringles.

Nice legs? nope. he kids around with his sister.

Funny isnt it? whats with the lips again?

Me with my cousin Mikah, the ever so flamboyant and ever so confident girl i knew.

Another picture taken above us. Notice my cousins Kate (wearing green tee) and his brother Emm (wearing white tee), they're born with that lips (^_^)

I personally like this picture. Its perfect. I caught this picture and i am proud of it. It was taken above us.

Not too much pouted isnt it? notice the things hanging in the background? this was taken at my aunt's store.

Look at how we play with our cellphones.

"Enchanted" will make you feel young again

2008-08-08T13:14:00.000+08:00

Remember when you were young and you believed in fairytales? C'mon, everybody dreamt of a fairytale or two. When i watched Enchanted, the recent walt disney movie, i felt i was young again, innocent, happy, problem-free, even for just an hour and a half, it actually felt good. A fairytale made with a twist and Mcdreamy, Patrick Dempsey, trully enchanting. Indeed everybody wants a happy ending and you're sure you'll see one if you watch Enchanted.

The Mist kills...for real (^_^)

2008-08-08T13:13:00.000+08:00

Recently i was able to watch the movie "The Mist". I just want to say, its terrible, all gibberish talk less action makes it flap and in the end it will leave you feeling regretful you ever saw it and Stephen King must agree. I know its a bit harsh, but i just gotta say that it isnt worth the money. I dont know why they made such a movie, but nevertheless, it gets a 2 out of 5 stars for the effort. (^_^)

EVE Online

2008-08-08T13:11:00.000+08:00

A distant memory of a past game which I deem one of the best ive seen, came to me, and i remember Homeworld 2. I really liked that game, and tried searching every game store so that i can have one (i actually have one, i had installed it once, and ive played it too, but it had an untimely demise when my cousin's pc was struck with a virus and eventually it must be reformated. And now for some reason when i try to install it, its corrupted.)

And so I searched for a game like homeworld 2, and i stumbled upon EVE online and "whoah!" is all i can say. Its breath-taking. It's like homeworld but more massive (its because its a Massively Multiplayer Online Game). Its background history is massive either and i cant digest it in just one whole gulp. Its really amazing. I would like to try and play it soon. Here are some of the pictures from its latest expansion. EVE online trinity.

The Amber Spyglass

2008-08-08T13:10:00.000+08:00

I am now on chapter 24 of the third book of Philip Pullman's Trilogy. And it gets interesting as I move on to the final chapter. At first it was confusing because Pullman patterned his novel at Milton's Paradise Lost and I am unfamiliar with it, but I managed to stay hooked nonetheless. Lyra Belacqua (the novel's main protagonist) together with Will Parry (the aesahaettr, the bearer of the subtle knife) is now on the land of the dead, I wonder if they will ever get out of there alive? well, i gotta read on.

Happy Days

2008-08-08T13:09:00.000+08:00

It is only once a year that a festive drinking spree like this happens, and it is only when my Kuya Jek (my first cousin on my father's side shown here on the picture with a maroon tee) and Ate May (my cousin-in-law who's beside Kuya Jek, wearing a white tee) comes back home from Qatar. Usually they only spend about 2-3 weeks here, and so we make it a point to celebrate as much as we can. C'est la vie as they say, and we agree.

My cousin Bok makes a toast maybe for himself for a success we have never heard of or of my cousin Noah (who's beside him wearing a green tee) for his new job. Noah recently passed the local board exams for nurses. And now he's training at the hospital in San Pedro Laguna, so kudos! for a job well done.

My sister (who's beside me) obviously is drunk at this time, just look at her, and my cousins Peki and Kem (Hans who's on the far right doesnt seem to mind as he just wants to listen to his music).

My sister feigns an act of being drunk after taking 2 jiggers of tequila?? (That's unacceptable).

Just disregard the things hanging up there, its my cousin's stuff.

Kuya Jek and Ate May would be coming back to Qatar tomorrow, and so we say "Bon Voyage!" we'll see each other on May of next year!

Happy days are indeed worth reminiscing and I am thankful i shared this with my cousins.

Cute and Cuddly

2008-08-08T13:07:00.000+08:00

See how cute these puppies are? Little puppies make my heart melt. (^_^)

Nature's Contrasts

2008-08-08T13:04:00.000+08:00

Today, i thought of sharing what came into my mind of while staring at our garden just moments after i woke up this morning. I noticed, that there are contrasts. There are new budding flowers and there are dying plants. I thought, nature has two sides, but it is just the way every thing's supposed to be, right?

Just as there are plants showing life there are also things that show death. A normal balance mother nature has been doing since its existence. For me i find beauty in things that show death. I remember an interview of Angelina Jolie, she was asked of her point of view about death and i admired her tenacity and courage. She said that she is not afraid to face death. The teachings of Buddha also tell about death and that a person who dreams of nirvana must be willing to accept death. I think we are afraid of death because we have so make so many connections in this earth. Buddha said in order for us to attain nirvana, we must let go of our material and personal possessions because those possessions are what makes us grounded to the present state we are at (always miserable, burdened by problems). This might seem very difficult to understand more so to enforce or do, in fact it is, but the teachings of the Buddha tell something profound.

So much to understand about the nature of things, so much to learn, only, mother nature doesn't tell us directly, it comes to us in the most unexpected way.

A New Tattoo

2008-08-08T13:02:00.000+08:00

I really wanted to have a new tatoo. I plan on having this picture (only make it inverted) as a tatoo at my back. What i need now is money. What I gotta have is a job. (^_^)

Transfer

2008-08-08T13:00:00.000+08:00

I will transfer some of the things I wrote earlier on my first blog because I would like to dedicate my first blog to topics concerning health, living, politics and the environment only.

A New Start

2008-08-08T12:25:00.000+08:00

I decided today to make a new blog to write the things that expire in my everyday life. But my other blog will still be running. I just like to discuss things about health, living, politics and teh environment especially in my original blog. Well, on to blogging.