I read for one evening Brida (Paolo Coelho), the book I bought for my birthday and I thought that I made the right choice. The book was really worth buying. The whole read was like a journey, somehow Coelho had some knowledge of the profound truths of the universe and he had the wisdom to back it up. I didn't know him personally and it was my first time reading his book but somehow I believed him. I find some of the passages in the book imitating life itself. I find some of it similar to what was happening in my life if not applicable to the predicament I'm in.
Coelho talked about those people who are addicted to loneliness, and he wrote:
"people who believe the world to be undignified, inglorious place and who spent their evenings and nights talking on and on about the mistakes others had made. They were people whom solitude had made into the judges of the world, whose verdicts were scattered to the 4 winds for whoever cared to listen." and I thought this was like me. I always complained about others, about my father and mother and what they did to me, about what others thought about me, about what my friends didn't do that made me upset, about the silly things I complain about just because I was not the center of all attention. I then had the urge to deny this but then, I realized, it's true. I am lonely and it somehow stinged a little, but then I understood and I forgave myself. I felt as if a heavy weight has been lifted off my chest.
Then there was this passage:
"She sensed that she was missing out on something very important in life and that if she carried on as she was, she would simply continue to repeat the same experience over and over again." and so I thought I am missing out on life. This was what my friends have been telling me all along but I never really listened. That's why I repeat the same mistake over and over again and it pressed on me the urgency to find a break into my vicious cycle. I haven't really thought of it as important before not until now, and this book made me realize that.
"By taking risks, by risking failure, disappointment, disillusion, but never ceasing in your search for love. As you keep looking, you will triumph in the end." and then there was this passage. This is another inner conflict I have been denying and belittling all along. I have been always afraid of rejection and my silly preoccupation to it led me to this path of loneliness. So it seemed I found the answer that I have looking for all along.
Coelho continued:
"I'm always starting things and then giving up. She thought rather sourly. Perhaps life would soon realize this and stop presenting her with the same opportunities over and over or perhaps, by always giving up when she had only just started, she had exhausted all possible paths without even taking a single step. But that was how she was and she felt herself growing gradually weaker and less and less able to change...she knew other people who did the same - they, too, got used to their mistakes and it wasn't long before they began to see them as virtues and by then it was too late." and I thought I am now weak, but still able to change. I have gotten used to my mistakes but I think I don't see them yet as virtues, not yet. So this means, I still have time to act and so something about it.
Coelho also talked about choosing paths:
"Choosing a path meant having to miss out on others. She had a whole life to live and she was always thinking that, in the future, she might regret the choices she made now. She wanted to follow all possible paths and so ended up following none. She feared pain, loss and separation. These things were inevitable on the path to love, and the only way of avoiding them was deciding not to take that path at all. Life is so complicated. You had to take risks, follow some paths and abandon others. There are people who followed certain paths only to prove that they weren't the right ones, but that wasn't as bad as choosing a path and then spending the rest of your life wondering if you'd made the right choice. No one could make a choice without feeling afraid." and I thought no one understood me. I was afraid, too afraid in fact, to move and do something. I haven't took the risk at all, it only remained as a possibility for me and I was neglecting the fact that pain, love and separation is inevitable in the path to love, so what's wrong with me?
"Perhaps the time when it goes wrong are teaching you something. Nothing in the world is ever completely wrong. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day." so I guess nothing is really wrong with me. So what stops me from doing something?
Then Coelho said "Never stop having doubts. If you ever do, it will be because you've stopped moving forward, and at that point, God will step in and pull the rug from under your feet. If for any reason we stop, whether out of complacency, laziness, or out of a mistaken belief that we know enough, He forces us on. On the other hand, you must be careful never to allow doubt to paralyze you. Always take the decision you need to take, even if you're not sure you're doing the right thing, you'll never go wrong if, when you make a decision, you keep in mind an old German proverb "the Devil is in the detail". Remember that proverb and you'll always be able to turn a wrong decision into a right one." And there, the answer I have been dying to know all along. Suddenly the path that I need to take became clear. This is what I have to do get me out of this mess. And I thought this is what God wanted me to do.
"Life is about making mistakes. It was a mistake that set the world in motion. Never be afraid of making mistakes. Never be ashamed, accept what life offers you and try to drink from every cup. All wines should be tasted, some should only be sipped, but with others drink the whole bottle. You can only know a good wine if you have first tasted a bad one." and I say Amen! to that. Certainly Brida has paved the way for my long-awaited change to consummate. Finally! after a year and almost all my lifetime, the epiphany I was asking for came.
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This day became a source of unending struggle between sadness and desperation. I applied recently at a call center, and went through the preliminary assessment. The grueling long hours of waiting for the next process for the application to begin was indeed life-sapping and nerve-racking. I am disappointed that I failed the final assessment and would just like to vent out. But one would wonder why a registered nurse will apply for a customer service position. Not that I view such a job as low and degrading but one can only posit a fact, that the nursing profession here is indeed in a dire situation. Almost all the hospitals are freeze hiring as the pool of unemployed nurses steadily rise. Pushing more and more nurses to apply for jobs that are not really connected with nursing.
