Doomed

Why is it that when I see a guy I had a past with, and he is happy with a relationship, I think about myself and I become resentful. Angry. Insecure. Jealous. I always ask "why does it have to be me that is always unlucky?" Is it really hard to find love? Am I doomed to be single for the rest of my life?

My friends say that I am choosy, but I always say, "Do I need to lower my expectations?" Do we need to ignore the spark, and just consider the first one who comes even if you don't feel anything for them? Hmmm...

I always try to avoid conversations like this with myself. For I know this will only lead me to a swirling downward path. I don't want to be miserable and resentful. But sometimes no matter how high I set my defenses to be, misery finds a weak spot and then it all crumbles down. No matter how fast I run away from it, weariness follows. I just want to be grateful but sometimes, pessimism gets a hold on me first. So how do I deal with it?

I try to get myself busy...

Working at SLHMC keeps me preoccupied for the mean time. But when I come home, boredom sets in and misery finds its way back. So keeping myself busy with work isn't really a good idea. So now, I am trying to keep myself busy with learning deutsche (german). Hopefully this will work. I just hope I don't get distracted again.

I remembered I made I poem about this...

where thou is love?
I traversed the plains and deeps of this life
and yet failed to see
to feel this estranged bliss
of what they say is love
I did of long time ago
felt bliss but not too long
it came to be an illusion
for I was but fooled into this
world of chance
where you gamble your life
and nothing makes sense

But I would never give up
for there is a time
that will come
where someone shall cross my path
and there begin to change
this bitter feeling towards love

I can but hold on
but for how long
can I wait?
For the fear ever grows in my heart
where doubt is a hidden shadow
that slowly cloaks in my impatience
how long will I wait for you my love?

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Choosing a path...

It has been a long time since I last wrote here in my blog and I feel that I have missed a lot. So, what have been keeping me busy these days? Work..work and work. I am now training in the Emergency Room at Southern Luzon Hospital and Medical Center. So I have completely forgotten James, but what he did may still be here, but it will remain only as a string of memory and nothing more.

So I have been training for two weeks now at SLHMC and I can say that I have learned a lot from my training. Its hard to be content with SLHMC because my service is not yet paid and it's incredibly far from my house, but I have to force myself to be content. I have no choice, that is what I used to say to myself. But now, suddenly God opens a window, two windows in fact.

Last Last Thursday, I was surprised when my mother told me that Philippine Heart Center called, I was scheduled for an interview, HR deliberation they called it. Well, it was a panel interview, and it was nerve-racking. The interviewers were all serious-looking and were examining my every move and body language. But I survived it. I said in the end whatever happens I would not regret what I said and how I answered every question thrown at me. Pass or fail whatever outcome, I would still feel proud of myself because I made it that far.

Now, about the next window, my aunt told me last Saturday that another hospital, Biñan Doctors Hospital, will call for my scheduled exams this coming Wednesday. Whoa! I said, now after about so much wait, God has given me two paths to choose and now I am afraid to make the same mistake again and choose the wrong path. Though I know somehow that God sometimes makes the right path hidden to the naked eye, He, most of the time leaves clues for us to see through the veil that obstructs our true path. So where's the clue? hmm.. I think I know. Grateful. ^_^

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I have decided today to move on. I have completely ignored my ego just to woo James but to no avail he is just not interested anymore. I cannot let myself be humiliated again anymore. It is really hard to keep myself sane especially when I'm alone here at home. I am in constant war with my own thoughts, as I keep my paranoia at bay. Thoughts like, "is it my fault?", "what's wrong with me?", "why haven't I figured it out in the first place?", "maybe I'm too thin.", "maybe I'm effeminate for him." and so on and so forth.

I have been wallowing in my anger, despair and regret for two days now, and it is somehow sapping my energy. I'm tired of thinking, I'm tired of moving, I am tired of finding him.

I search in the chaos of my mind and find regret to be the most palpable. It is really difficult to let go. What's funny though is that I have genuinely felt this strong emotion for a guy I don't personally know yet. How many times had this happened before? Do I never learn? How can this happen? I constantly find myself breaking my rules, my beliefs, taking my words against myself just to win over a guy I really like. But like some unstoppable force of nature, almost always that guy doesn't like me back.

I cannot say that I want to quit, because I can't. In this journey on finding love, one's path is only forward. Many times we are taken aback, but we tread on, forward, until we reach the dead end, where the right person awaits. The path maybe long, torturous and tiring but maybe it's worth it. No, this is not my sorry futile attempt to feel good about feeling bad.

The hole that he left only made me stronger and wiser. I am not yet ready for redemption and maybe even forgiveness, not now or in the immediate future. I must let time heal me first.

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Why does it always seem, that when I talk about something that hasn't happened yet, or if I tell something I am excited about, it fails.

I think that I have disappointed him, he hasn't sent any messages since last night. I am overwhelmed with sadness, despair, anger and regret. Why does it always have to be me suffering. When I meet someone I really like, shit happens. It's either me blowing things up or him leaving me with no explanation whatsoever. I really don't know what is wrong with my love life.

I have always said to myself that it's never my fault, and it's their loss, but at the end of the day, I can't help but wonder, why me? why does this always happen? I want to give up already. I really want to...I think I need to work now. Get a new diversion.

They say that I should not look for him because he'll come, maybe...I should really stop looking.

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Distant Grumblings Part 4: Who's James?

*Taken from my journal on 06-26-09

Tonight was somehow special apart from the reason that I was able to finally watch Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, I had a date. A rather special guy I met in g4m. His handle was shy-chef, well he was rather not shy actually. He gave me a message that he liked my eyes, and from there I replied back and the rest was history. This is different from the rest of the guys that I met in the past because it was a date. A real, no-sex date. It was kind of awkward though, because I was clueless that he wanted to caress him in his privates until he said it when we were about to part ways.
I like him really. I can see myself taking the "serious" route with him. But I don't want to rush. Plus, I don't want to be the first to suggest a relationship. The way he was disappointed when I never did what he wanted kinda sent a message that he is not yet into the "serious" path. or maybe I'm just speculating too much like before. I don't know if he likes me too or not. I just hope that he does because I really like him (obviously).

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About Rommel (thinkbig), well he is really history. He gave me clap. but I was able to ask for help. Thanks to my best friend. Now I'm clear of it.
Ryan is history as well. he kind of thought that I was too clingy when in fact I was just too excited about the sex. It didn't happen though, too bad it didn't, but it's his loss.
Chrisson doesn't text anymore but who cares, top40buff also doesn't text, but it's okay.

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Now that I like James, I am beginning to hate myself because I am too obvious. Argh! I don't know what else to do. This emotion clouds my judgement.

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