Mutterings of the heart..or mind?

>> Thursday, July 22, 2010

"Who is Mark?"

I mean, who is he really? I do not know for sure. One thing is for sure though...I like him. Really...really like him. Now, what seems to be the problem why am I suddenly writing this article?

"I do not know..."

I have met him in this website (PR) and we have known each other for about a month now. We constantly meet once or twice a week, and we have this certain chemistry, I don't know if this is the spark people talk about, but, it's not that important, just as he likes me too, and we still meet once or twice a week, everything's cool. Except my head is jamming my mojo, skipped beats, spinning, nausea, black out. No, I'm not suffering from vertigo again. I just hate this. I'm supposed to be seeing butterflies, everything going slow or something. It's just messed up, I am messed up.

When I first met him, he told me that he has extra baggage, that he was already taken. I proposed an idea that was actually a subtle hint that I want to take him, make him mine, but I guess I was just diffident, wary, scared of too many things, too coward to talk and be heard. He said that I already know that he was taken, more like telling me I can't go into a relationship just now. Well, he has a point there. One, it's too early to be in a relationship with him. Two, I barely know him.

"I'm always like this...messed up."

What is really messing up my mojo? My paranoid self. This constant nibbling, what is he doing when he's out there, Is he seeing someone?, Is he having sex with somebody else? Maybe he is seeing someone...oh and I already said that. jeez.

I really don't like it. Makes me sound like I'm nuts, but this is real, and I'm not telling this to get sympathy. I just want to puke it all out. Just get rid of it, because I really like him. I really do. I still want to see his hypnotizing smile, his gorgeous, melancholic eyes that instantly melts my heart away, his almost perfect body, his lips...okay it's not that obvious that I like him. Because I know that this wont get me far, and I wont get anything from this, might even lose him.

"Just listen..."

It all started yesterday, when I asked him, "you're always busy, I only see you go to school, and then get back home, or study then sleep. do you not get burned out?" and he said, "that's why I always meet with my friends, my girlfriend, and of course with you." That moment instead of feeling grateful that he mentioned me, or my company, I felt envious instead, jealous, bitter. Why does he have to meet with his girlfriend? and then...of course, he met her first. well, that's true. But I can't seem to grasp that idea (or refuse to grasp it). Part of what I have to accept when I agreed to become exclusive with him is that he has a girlfriend and that he can't commit. At first, it was easy to accept, because I was still in a love spell, but now when all the haze started to dissipate, I started to see the loose ends. Man, this isn't fun at all.

I want to become his and he mine. I want to know him and his friends. I want him to initiate to send a message and not the other way around. I want to become honest with him, talk about anything, not feel awkward even if he knows the nitty gritty of my whole personality. I want to hold his hand in public. I want to become comfortable with him, even if I talk about the bad habit of biting my nails when I'm anxious, or the dandruff I get whenever I'm stressed. In short...I want him, I really do.

"You will find the one you are looking for, but he will leave you..."

I told him this morning about this guy who foretold that I will find my ideal guy but eventually he will leave me, though he never specified why he would leave, or how he would leave me, this came to me when I was awakened by his loud snoring. The twilight outside gave no remorse over my seemingly cold body (I was half naked that's why). I realized, I found him...will he really leave me? I tried to muster all the answer I can get, but unfortunately, it still remained a question.

"So where do I go from here?"

Nowhere, I must remain here. Whether I still go afloat, finding meaning, answers, or grab on to something, to keep me grounded, one thing is still obvious, I still care for him too much to just let my pride and my paranoid self ruin this ivory tower or whatever it is that I have with him. They say, just be happy and content that you have him, and I say Amen! that is so true, but the problem with me is that I am always discontent. So this constant war with myself I will bear on for as long as I live. For as long as I have feelings for Mark. Now, who is Mark? scroll back and read it all over again. ^^


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