Distant Grumblings Part 2: Charlie is my love is my infatuation is my past is nobody

02/16/08

"I wanna decide on something tonight. I am really confused because I can't seem to decide on what to do with Charlie. It has been two days since I last heard from him. I begin to question, if what he's saying is real. Are his feelings for me real or is he just playing with me? Maybe I'm expecting something from him when I shouldn't be expecting anything. We have not established the rules of our relationship or is there an actual relationship going on between the two of us? Certainly I don't want to feel paranoid every time he doesn't call, or every time I don't get to talk to him on the chat room. I feel something for him because I wouldn't miss him like this. I miss him like crazy. I want him to come back home and sweep me off my feet. I want to love him, but I just can't right now. I am not also honest about myself, because I say that his sexcapades there in Tokyo with girls is okay when I totally disagree with the idea. There are a lot of things I want to discuss with him but I just can't because what we have right now is so uncertain, so vague, that it is impossible to establish anything at the moment. Maybe what I would really want to do tonight is to just throw away these thoughts to oblivion and let myself be distracted by healthy thoughts."

02/17/08

"Three days now and still no word from Charlie. I miss him terribly, although I could've just opened my email and see if he has sent me a message. I didn't. I know that it is just pointless to think of things that I'm not sure if it ever happened or not. I had the opportunity a while ago but I guess I chose not to do it and now I'm bothered by the choice I made because if only I took a moment to open my email, maybe, just maybe Charlie left a message for me. That he can't call let's face it, he can't always buy a call card for me. He doesn't even know me that well. Certainly I made a mistake here, but what's good about this is at least I am aware of it. I am aware that I made a mistake and I know that it's too late to wallow on these thoughts but I guess it's good also to know that I'm able to express it all here. I just hope that tomorrow, I get to see Charlie on the chat room and finally talk to him."

02/18/08

"Earlier I opened my email and guess what? No message from Charlie. Days passed and something becomes clearer everyday, that I couldn't continue on with this. Day after day I become more aware that what I have and what I fee for him is nothing but infatuation. Although I am not sure yet if he is just playing with me but its not hard to assume. I finally set free this heavy burden that has been bothering me for the past four days. But what if he comes back? Then I'll talk to him, but I'll never fall for his pick-up lines again. If he is really for me? Then he must prove it. He must come home or it will never be us. Time to set my eyes around, my gaze has been fixed for too long."

02/19/08

"I was able to talk to Charlie earlier. Like what I thought, he was busy partying and he entertained a guest. All along I was waiting for the feeling to come back. But it didn't. Its like I'm more cautious, more aware, more doubtful of his advances. But I still like him though. He told me that he can't answer yet when he'll be back, if its for good or just a brief stay, because he's not sure yet, as if the answer is not his. And now I cant smile like before because now I am clouded with doubt and insecurity."

02/20/08

"Charlie is as usual a no show at the chat room today. I somehow expected it to be like that. Like I am numb to the pain."

02/21/08

"I tried logging on at around 6 pm. Charlie wasn't there. Maybe he went by and logged off early. I don't know. I just know that now its easier to breath because I know what I shared with him was just a dream and I had to wake up eventually. Its just sad to wake up from a wonderful dream but I gotta admit Charlie is far from reality right now. I'm kinda fed up of his excuses, he couldn't keep up with his own words, his words are inconsistent with his actions."

02/28/08

"Two days ago, I was able to chat again to Charlie. I learned from him that he had a car accident because he was drunk driving and so justifies his sudden absence. But to be honest, it never struck a chord in me. I felt pity for him yes, I still care for him, maybe a little, but I guess I have a grip now of my feeling for him. I am here and he is there, and now I am aware of that space between us."

03/13/08

"About a week ago I learned from Charlie the whole truth about why he distanced himself. He said he was kinda worried that I'm like forcing him to be with me, to go home, to be here and have a relationship. It was like a slap in the face. The words were like knives stabbing, but I guess the truth really hurts. What also is clear is that there is a big difference in our expectations. He was merely playing while I was getting serious already. At first I felt angry, of course it is an insult to my ego, but of course after careful thought I realized he has a point, I don't have the right to be angry, and so I said sorry. Now like before, whenever I talk to him, he doesn't seem to reply back. He tells me he's busy. I don't care."

03/28/08

"Two days ago I had a brief talk with Charlie. He said he had to cut the chat short because he was sleepy. It took me a day to realize that I should tell him what I felt that time. I told him the truth, that i felt angry and betrayed by what he did to me. So I told him I needed the closure so that I can move on, so that the next time we talk I can comfortably chat about it and remember it as nothing more but a lousy memory we used to share."

07/16/08

"I was actually more surprised to meet tokyoboy again at the chat room. It seemed a very long time since we last talked and yet I still feel a figment of anger I felt when I learned the truth from him back then. I actually planned on being silent until he noticed I was there. We talked much like before, updating ourselves of what has happened from our lives since we last talked.
I learned from him that Rayan was telling him the things that I have told Rayan about him. I was clearly annoyed but I had to pretend I'm not. Well as usual he said there's nothing wrong about it, because at least I was being honest and that he liked what I said. But it didn't affect me. He told me that when he comes home he will surely never forget to treat me. I don't want to expect anything from him anymore."

09/24/08

"It is always painful to accept rejection. How a person can sway you with words you believe at once and then you fall and then suddenly leaves you hanging.
It is always unfair to leave someone feeling the injustice of being not able to answer all the questions that baffle him that only the person that left can answer and realize that he is gone forever and that there is nothing you can do about it. A gaping hole is left. That person remains empty until such a time that he learns to forgive that person and himself and often forgiveness comes along only after so much damage has been dealt already.
This is reminiscent of what happened between me and Charlie. I still feel the hole he left when I read my past articles about him. Have I forgiven him? Yeah, I think so. I have accepted the fact that is just meant to be this way."