I have decided today to move on. I have completely ignored my ego just to woo James but to no avail he is just not interested anymore. I cannot let myself be humiliated again anymore. It is really hard to keep myself sane especially when I'm alone here at home. I am in constant war with my own thoughts, as I keep my paranoia at bay. Thoughts like, "is it my fault?", "what's wrong with me?", "why haven't I figured it out in the first place?", "maybe I'm too thin.", "maybe I'm effeminate for him." and so on and so forth.

I have been wallowing in my anger, despair and regret for two days now, and it is somehow sapping my energy. I'm tired of thinking, I'm tired of moving, I am tired of finding him.

I search in the chaos of my mind and find regret to be the most palpable. It is really difficult to let go. What's funny though is that I have genuinely felt this strong emotion for a guy I don't personally know yet. How many times had this happened before? Do I never learn? How can this happen? I constantly find myself breaking my rules, my beliefs, taking my words against myself just to win over a guy I really like. But like some unstoppable force of nature, almost always that guy doesn't like me back.

I cannot say that I want to quit, because I can't. In this journey on finding love, one's path is only forward. Many times we are taken aback, but we tread on, forward, until we reach the dead end, where the right person awaits. The path maybe long, torturous and tiring but maybe it's worth it. No, this is not my sorry futile attempt to feel good about feeling bad.

The hole that he left only made me stronger and wiser. I am not yet ready for redemption and maybe even forgiveness, not now or in the immediate future. I must let time heal me first.

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Why does it always seem, that when I talk about something that hasn't happened yet, or if I tell something I am excited about, it fails.

I think that I have disappointed him, he hasn't sent any messages since last night. I am overwhelmed with sadness, despair, anger and regret. Why does it always have to be me suffering. When I meet someone I really like, shit happens. It's either me blowing things up or him leaving me with no explanation whatsoever. I really don't know what is wrong with my love life.

I have always said to myself that it's never my fault, and it's their loss, but at the end of the day, I can't help but wonder, why me? why does this always happen? I want to give up already. I really want to...I think I need to work now. Get a new diversion.

They say that I should not look for him because he'll come, maybe...I should really stop looking.

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Distant Grumblings Part 4: Who's James?

*Taken from my journal on 06-26-09

Tonight was somehow special apart from the reason that I was able to finally watch Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, I had a date. A rather special guy I met in g4m. His handle was shy-chef, well he was rather not shy actually. He gave me a message that he liked my eyes, and from there I replied back and the rest was history. This is different from the rest of the guys that I met in the past because it was a date. A real, no-sex date. It was kind of awkward though, because I was clueless that he wanted to caress him in his privates until he said it when we were about to part ways.
I like him really. I can see myself taking the "serious" route with him. But I don't want to rush. Plus, I don't want to be the first to suggest a relationship. The way he was disappointed when I never did what he wanted kinda sent a message that he is not yet into the "serious" path. or maybe I'm just speculating too much like before. I don't know if he likes me too or not. I just hope that he does because I really like him (obviously).

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About Rommel (thinkbig), well he is really history. He gave me clap. but I was able to ask for help. Thanks to my best friend. Now I'm clear of it.
Ryan is history as well. he kind of thought that I was too clingy when in fact I was just too excited about the sex. It didn't happen though, too bad it didn't, but it's his loss.
Chrisson doesn't text anymore but who cares, top40buff also doesn't text, but it's okay.

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Now that I like James, I am beginning to hate myself because I am too obvious. Argh! I don't know what else to do. This emotion clouds my judgement.

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The ceremony of rain-bathing

The rainy days have started and this rain bathing has become a ceremony of sorts to me.

Back then in my younger years, I have always celebrated the coming of rain. For me, nothing compares to the peace that it gives as drops gently spatter in my skin, every tickle send sensations I cannot fathom or explain but can only appreciate.

This afternoon gave me reason again to celebrate.

A foreboding cloud suddenly made me excited and giddy. This one, I thought must bring a lot of precipitation. And I was right. I was ready to begin the ceremony.

I would undress, leaving only my shorts. I would hesitate at first, reach out with my hand, a moments pause to feel it all and then I charge in the open. Look face up and then I close my eyes. There, as the noise fades out in the harmony of its gentle spattering in the earth, only at that time, I become one with nature, with the universe. Every drop reminds me to be grateful that I am alive, a million reasons to celebrate life and be at peace with myself. Nothing compares to that feeling. I would stay that way, savoring every drop, commiserating with the heavens, till it withers away. Excitement turns into ecstasy, ecstasy turns into peace, peace turns into anxiety, and anxiety turns into sadness.

After the rain, I cleanse myself with the usual soap and shampoo and let myself dry, clothe again and become nostalgic of my acquiescence with mother nature. I shelter in the safety of my home praying that I would be graced tomorrow once again to do the ceremony of rain-bathing.

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