>> Monday, June 29, 2009
I have decided today to move on. I have completely ignored my ego just to woo James but to no avail he is just not interested anymore. I cannot let myself be humiliated again anymore. It is really hard to keep myself sane especially when I'm alone here at home. I am in constant war with my own thoughts, as I keep my paranoia at bay. Thoughts like, "is it my fault?", "what's wrong with me?", "why haven't I figured it out in the first place?", "maybe I'm too thin.", "maybe I'm effeminate for him." and so on and so forth.
I have been wallowing in my anger, despair and regret for two days now, and it is somehow sapping my energy. I'm tired of thinking, I'm tired of moving, I am tired of finding him.
I search in the chaos of my mind and find regret to be the most palpable. It is really difficult to let go. What's funny though is that I have genuinely felt this strong emotion for a guy I don't personally know yet. How many times had this happened before? Do I never learn? How can this happen? I constantly find myself breaking my rules, my beliefs, taking my words against myself just to win over a guy I really like. But like some unstoppable force of nature, almost always that guy doesn't like me back.
I cannot say that I want to quit, because I can't. In this journey on finding love, one's path is only forward. Many times we are taken aback, but we tread on, forward, until we reach the dead end, where the right person awaits. The path maybe long, torturous and tiring but maybe it's worth it. No, this is not my sorry futile attempt to feel good about feeling bad.
The hole that he left only made me stronger and wiser. I am not yet ready for redemption and maybe even forgiveness, not now or in the immediate future. I must let time heal me first.
I have been wallowing in my anger, despair and regret for two days now, and it is somehow sapping my energy. I'm tired of thinking, I'm tired of moving, I am tired of finding him.
I search in the chaos of my mind and find regret to be the most palpable. It is really difficult to let go. What's funny though is that I have genuinely felt this strong emotion for a guy I don't personally know yet. How many times had this happened before? Do I never learn? How can this happen? I constantly find myself breaking my rules, my beliefs, taking my words against myself just to win over a guy I really like. But like some unstoppable force of nature, almost always that guy doesn't like me back.
I cannot say that I want to quit, because I can't. In this journey on finding love, one's path is only forward. Many times we are taken aback, but we tread on, forward, until we reach the dead end, where the right person awaits. The path maybe long, torturous and tiring but maybe it's worth it. No, this is not my sorry futile attempt to feel good about feeling bad.
The hole that he left only made me stronger and wiser. I am not yet ready for redemption and maybe even forgiveness, not now or in the immediate future. I must let time heal me first.
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