It is true that weariness waxes and wanes just like the moon. Just like a thief, it comes swiftly. But as time goes, you get an immunity from it. These hormones are just crazy, they surge then curb down. Sometimes I get lonely, then I bounce up, then fall again into loneliness. What the fuck! Just insane...

I really don't like this 8-day straight of work...tiring. But there's nothing that I can do, I can't even whine because I agreed to this. grrrr...

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Doomed

Why is it that when I see a guy I had a past with, and he is happy with a relationship, I think about myself and I become resentful. Angry. Insecure. Jealous. I always ask "why does it have to be me that is always unlucky?" Is it really hard to find love? Am I doomed to be single for the rest of my life?

My friends say that I am choosy, but I always say, "Do I need to lower my expectations?" Do we need to ignore the spark, and just consider the first one who comes even if you don't feel anything for them? Hmmm...

I always try to avoid conversations like this with myself. For I know this will only lead me to a swirling downward path. I don't want to be miserable and resentful. But sometimes no matter how high I set my defenses to be, misery finds a weak spot and then it all crumbles down. No matter how fast I run away from it, weariness follows. I just want to be grateful but sometimes, pessimism gets a hold on me first. So how do I deal with it?

I try to get myself busy...

Working at SLHMC keeps me preoccupied for the mean time. But when I come home, boredom sets in and misery finds its way back. So keeping myself busy with work isn't really a good idea. So now, I am trying to keep myself busy with learning deutsche (german). Hopefully this will work. I just hope I don't get distracted again.

I remembered I made I poem about this...

where thou is love?
I traversed the plains and deeps of this life
and yet failed to see
to feel this estranged bliss
of what they say is love
I did of long time ago
felt bliss but not too long
it came to be an illusion
for I was but fooled into this
world of chance
where you gamble your life
and nothing makes sense

But I would never give up
for there is a time
that will come
where someone shall cross my path
and there begin to change
this bitter feeling towards love

I can but hold on
but for how long
can I wait?
For the fear ever grows in my heart
where doubt is a hidden shadow
that slowly cloaks in my impatience
how long will I wait for you my love?

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Choosing a path...

It has been a long time since I last wrote here in my blog and I feel that I have missed a lot. So, what have been keeping me busy these days? Work..work and work. I am now training in the Emergency Room at Southern Luzon Hospital and Medical Center. So I have completely forgotten James, but what he did may still be here, but it will remain only as a string of memory and nothing more.

So I have been training for two weeks now at SLHMC and I can say that I have learned a lot from my training. Its hard to be content with SLHMC because my service is not yet paid and it's incredibly far from my house, but I have to force myself to be content. I have no choice, that is what I used to say to myself. But now, suddenly God opens a window, two windows in fact.

Last Last Thursday, I was surprised when my mother told me that Philippine Heart Center called, I was scheduled for an interview, HR deliberation they called it. Well, it was a panel interview, and it was nerve-racking. The interviewers were all serious-looking and were examining my every move and body language. But I survived it. I said in the end whatever happens I would not regret what I said and how I answered every question thrown at me. Pass or fail whatever outcome, I would still feel proud of myself because I made it that far.

Now, about the next window, my aunt told me last Saturday that another hospital, Biñan Doctors Hospital, will call for my scheduled exams this coming Wednesday. Whoa! I said, now after about so much wait, God has given me two paths to choose and now I am afraid to make the same mistake again and choose the wrong path. Though I know somehow that God sometimes makes the right path hidden to the naked eye, He, most of the time leaves clues for us to see through the veil that obstructs our true path. So where's the clue? hmm.. I think I know. Grateful. ^_^

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