Doomed

Why is it that when I see a guy I had a past with, and he is happy with a relationship, I think about myself and I become resentful. Angry. Insecure. Jealous. I always ask "why does it have to be me that is always unlucky?" Is it really hard to find love? Am I doomed to be single for the rest of my life?

My friends say that I am choosy, but I always say, "Do I need to lower my expectations?" Do we need to ignore the spark, and just consider the first one who comes even if you don't feel anything for them? Hmmm...

I always try to avoid conversations like this with myself. For I know this will only lead me to a swirling downward path. I don't want to be miserable and resentful. But sometimes no matter how high I set my defenses to be, misery finds a weak spot and then it all crumbles down. No matter how fast I run away from it, weariness follows. I just want to be grateful but sometimes, pessimism gets a hold on me first. So how do I deal with it?

I try to get myself busy...

Working at SLHMC keeps me preoccupied for the mean time. But when I come home, boredom sets in and misery finds its way back. So keeping myself busy with work isn't really a good idea. So now, I am trying to keep myself busy with learning deutsche (german). Hopefully this will work. I just hope I don't get distracted again.

I remembered I made I poem about this...

where thou is love?
I traversed the plains and deeps of this life
and yet failed to see
to feel this estranged bliss
of what they say is love
I did of long time ago
felt bliss but not too long
it came to be an illusion
for I was but fooled into this
world of chance
where you gamble your life
and nothing makes sense

But I would never give up
for there is a time
that will come
where someone shall cross my path
and there begin to change
this bitter feeling towards love

I can but hold on
but for how long
can I wait?
For the fear ever grows in my heart
where doubt is a hidden shadow
that slowly cloaks in my impatience
how long will I wait for you my love?