Mutterings of the heart..or mind?

"Who is Mark?"

I mean, who is he really? I do not know for sure. One thing is for sure though...I like him. Really...really like him. Now, what seems to be the problem why am I suddenly writing this article?

"I do not know..."

I have met him in this website (PR) and we have known each other for about a month now. We constantly meet once or twice a week, and we have this certain chemistry, I don't know if this is the spark people talk about, but, it's not that important, just as he likes me too, and we still meet once or twice a week, everything's cool. Except my head is jamming my mojo, skipped beats, spinning, nausea, black out. No, I'm not suffering from vertigo again. I just hate this. I'm supposed to be seeing butterflies, everything going slow or something. It's just messed up, I am messed up.

When I first met him, he told me that he has extra baggage, that he was already taken. I proposed an idea that was actually a subtle hint that I want to take him, make him mine, but I guess I was just diffident, wary, scared of too many things, too coward to talk and be heard. He said that I already know that he was taken, more like telling me I can't go into a relationship just now. Well, he has a point there. One, it's too early to be in a relationship with him. Two, I barely know him.

"I'm always like this...messed up."

What is really messing up my mojo? My paranoid self. This constant nibbling, what is he doing when he's out there, Is he seeing someone?, Is he having sex with somebody else? Maybe he is seeing someone...oh and I already said that. jeez.

I really don't like it. Makes me sound like I'm nuts, but this is real, and I'm not telling this to get sympathy. I just want to puke it all out. Just get rid of it, because I really like him. I really do. I still want to see his hypnotizing smile, his gorgeous, melancholic eyes that instantly melts my heart away, his almost perfect body, his lips...okay it's not that obvious that I like him. Because I know that this wont get me far, and I wont get anything from this, might even lose him.

"Just listen..."

It all started yesterday, when I asked him, "you're always busy, I only see you go to school, and then get back home, or study then sleep. do you not get burned out?" and he said, "that's why I always meet with my friends, my girlfriend, and of course with you." That moment instead of feeling grateful that he mentioned me, or my company, I felt envious instead, jealous, bitter. Why does he have to meet with his girlfriend? and then...of course, he met her first. well, that's true. But I can't seem to grasp that idea (or refuse to grasp it). Part of what I have to accept when I agreed to become exclusive with him is that he has a girlfriend and that he can't commit. At first, it was easy to accept, because I was still in a love spell, but now when all the haze started to dissipate, I started to see the loose ends. Man, this isn't fun at all.

I want to become his and he mine. I want to know him and his friends. I want him to initiate to send a message and not the other way around. I want to become honest with him, talk about anything, not feel awkward even if he knows the nitty gritty of my whole personality. I want to hold his hand in public. I want to become comfortable with him, even if I talk about the bad habit of biting my nails when I'm anxious, or the dandruff I get whenever I'm stressed. In short...I want him, I really do.

"You will find the one you are looking for, but he will leave you..."

I told him this morning about this guy who foretold that I will find my ideal guy but eventually he will leave me, though he never specified why he would leave, or how he would leave me, this came to me when I was awakened by his loud snoring. The twilight outside gave no remorse over my seemingly cold body (I was half naked that's why). I realized, I found him...will he really leave me? I tried to muster all the answer I can get, but unfortunately, it still remained a question.

"So where do I go from here?"

Nowhere, I must remain here. Whether I still go afloat, finding meaning, answers, or grab on to something, to keep me grounded, one thing is still obvious, I still care for him too much to just let my pride and my paranoid self ruin this ivory tower or whatever it is that I have with him. They say, just be happy and content that you have him, and I say Amen! that is so true, but the problem with me is that I am always discontent. So this constant war with myself I will bear on for as long as I live. For as long as I have feelings for Mark. Now, who is Mark? scroll back and read it all over again. ^^

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The saddest song I've ever heard

So after a very long hiatus, I'm back for more articles. So...why the long hiatus you say? it's just this...I've been in this path...downward...more like of a quicksand, since I started working, and was lost, now...I'm still working my way back, slowly, one step at a time. I'll not elaborate this path further but I should say, It's nothing serious. So on with my article.

I was surfing comingsoon.net when I stumbled upon "Tales from Earthsea". It somehow rang a bell, because I loved Ursula K. Le Guin's Earthsea series, I was suddenly excited to see what this is about. And then I learned that the son of the famous Hayao Miyazaki, director of the award-winning Howl's Moving Castle and Spirited Away, Goro Miyazaki was the director of this stunning anime. Though Ursula K. Le Guin herself did not approve of this anime, still I think this was worth watching.

There was a scene in the movie where the character Teru, was singing this amazingly sorrowful song. I was like hypnotized by it more when I found the lyrics and what it meant (because it was japanese)...I feel that every time I listen to it, I am at peace yet an overwhelming feeling of sadness rushes in afterwards. Somehow the thought of a solitary life is sad...but the premise at the end of the song suggests hope. It is a wonderful song indeed. Here it is...the song Teru no Uta (Teru's song) from Gedo Senki (Tales from Earthsea), hope you like it.

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Happy New Year!

I was expecting a very dismal new year, in fact, I kinda expected not to celebrate the passing of 2009, because I was on duty last night. It was actually difficult to condition myself to not to expect anything much more to deny that I was feeling sullenly morose. So I went on, woke up, singing my heart out, to vent my frustration. Until I came to the hospital.

It was another typical night duty at the hospital, nothing particularly special, except that people are more giddy, smiling with greetings and all. I tried to mask my frustration by feeling excited to contribute to our small new year feast. And as time passed, I was distracted by fireworks lighting up the sky as midnight neared. One of my colleagues suggested that we go the rooftop of the hospital. She said the view was breath-taking, and I agreed. A quarter before midnight, we came to the rooftop, and I was just speechless. The view was astounding, it was like seeing the universe unfold before my eyes. The dazzling display of fireworks seemed like stars exploding in the black canvass of the night sky. And just like that, morose no more, I forgot about all the weariness of the past year fade away. It was a happy new year indeed. I wouldn't exchange it for anything.

Thanks to my colleagues, and my friends who were there with me, I should say, all that happened last year was all worth it because it all happened for a reason. Thank you dear Lord for the past year, and I look forward for a prosperous year ahead.

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I just wanted to celebrate my friend's first blog, and I should say, it's a rather extravagant beginning indeed. The reason to be proud, is an eye-opener, a powerful statement, a voice of the most underrepresented sector in this country. I think he should make more articles. Go Gersie!! ^_^

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Bad bad bad

Recently I received dire news about my ACLS training. I flunked my ACLS exams according to them, I missed a point, the passing score was 19 and I only got 18, and that was the only reason. A mere 1 point difference that ruined my day, and eventually burned my 4 thousand pesos to dust. What the heck!! Just like that, no remorse (don't mind my blabbering, I'm just pissed really), I was expecting a little consideration, just a little, but I didn't get some. I understand that they are just keeping the name of their company with the highest standards, but when you're disappointed, you can't see straight, I mean, I can't see their side, or for now, I can't accept whatever reason they have. I feel that I have lost a lot, especially because It's not easy to produce 4 thousand pesos with the salary we nurses get. I can accept their reason if I have flunked all exams, or if I failed the megacode or something. But I didn't. tsk tsk. Now my head hurts thinking how will I budget my salary to pay for the damned ACLS fee and it's christmas (grits teeth), how will I buy gifts then? I'm just wrecked, I'm so pissed really. Really really pissed.

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