On my Birthday

This was my journal entry last Friday, January 16, 2008.

"Today was supposed to be a happy day because after all, its my birthday. Ironically, I feel empty and unbelievably angry and I don't know why. I still haven't probed deeper on the reasons behind the feelings I feel right now, but now is the right time I guess.
I feel empty, maybe because there are so many things that I want to achieve and yet those things remain out of my reach, and that frustrates me. I am getting no younger and yet I haven't proven something yet, I am still the mediocre "nobody" that I was, insignificant and broke. I still believe that there's more to me than this but I don't know what to do. Somehow I am waiting for something but I am getting impatient. I think that life is telling me something but I refuse to listen because I am too stubborn or too complacent. Back then I would argue with my reasons but now I'm starting to doubt myself and the reasons I held back then and now I am so left behind.
I feel angry, maybe because of the apathy my father is projecting. I know I should've not expected my father to be something he is not but something in me longs for that. Am I wrong for asking such a simple thing?
Or maybe its because some of my friends have not remembered my birthday. Not that I want them to reciprocate with the effort I made to remember all of their birthdays but there's just a side of me that needs attention. I know its no big deal really and I will not make such a fuss about it, but somehow its true.
There is this side of me that wants to get even and I don't know yet if I will let it win over me because I know its bad. I can get bad karma too but there's something about consummating a well-thought revenge that makes me enthusiastic. I don't know, its the genes maybe and now I sound like my father.
I want to get a job, but how can I? I have sent resumes all over but they don't call back. What should I do? Shake their heads off till they consider my application?
This dilemma is getting a bit overrated really, and I'm getting a bit desperate now.
In spite of all the pessimism I still feel grateful though. I am now 27 years more wiser than before and I hope I use it right to get myself out of the junkyard I am in.

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So the day of my birthday, my father gave me money, although he sounded sour and somewhat forced, he gave it anyway and it annoyed me. Like I needed his money, but I accepted it anyway so I bought two books, the elves of cintra by Terry Brooks and Brida by Paolo Coelho and I thought that it would somehow make teh emptiness I felt go away. For a moment I thought it did but after that I realized its still there so I gave a holler at Weng and to my surprise she hollered back. Weng was with Gersie so I decided to go there in Mandaluyong just to be away. Away from all the people and things that cause me pain.
I came at Gersie's place at around 7 pm and caught them watching Friends. Gersie is having a DVD marathon while Weng was flirting online at downelink.
We watched, talked, and laughed watching Friends wand waited till Danvy, Gersie's new boy toy, arrived. He bought with him food and a couple of beer and when Weng had enough flirting for a day, I had my turn and chatted online. After about a couple of hours I gave up because the crowd at downelink are a bit snobbish. I was about to sleep when Weng asked if I'm sleepy. I said no and like a light bulb I thought I saw her face lighten up and then I remembered she has been bugging me and Gersie to go out and have fun in Malate but I had to say no, so she suggested to have coffee instead at Starbucks Pioneer and I agreed. So Weng and I went out and left Gersie and Danvy by themselves to give them the privacy they needed. It was about 5 in the morning then.
Weng confessed that she wanted to cruise that's why she wanted to go out, and somehow I understood what she meant. Since Yhen's death, Weng has been misery's constant companion and we knew its hard really. Every time I feel the need to talk nothing comes out, and it makes me feel powerless to help her. It's not because I have nothing good to say but I'm afraid I guess that I might say the wrong words and do more harm than good. So we had some coffee, talked and pondered on things. We stayed till 7 am and thought we gave Gersie and Danvy enough time.
Weng and I agreed to have a haircut and stroll in Alabang just to kill time. That gave me the impression that somehow she doesn't want to go home just yet. But knowing Weng, it didn't happen really because she slept it off while I busied myself chatting at Gay.com.
I met two guys there. One doesn't want to give his real name, but it's okay, I don't give a damn really though he was intellectual and I had fun talking, I mean chatting with him. The second one, well I don't remember his name, was just for sex. He invited me to his hotel room in Makati, but I dissed him because I was unprepared and looked haggard, so I can't really risk going there, meeting someone for a hook up when I am unprepared and all.
That afternoon Weng received a text message from his brother that his uncle Ed was rushed to the hospital, eventually he had his third stroke. But strangely, Weng just ignored and ironically felt annoyed because she thought his uncle was being stubborn again. Hours passed and that evening while on the bus going home, her cousin Janet called and told her that uncle Ed progressed into coma, and she broke down. I consoled her on the way and did every thing I can do. We arrived in the hospital soon after and I left after about an hour when I was sure that Weng was somehow okay. The evening after, his uncle Ed passed away.