Messed up...

Doesn't it suck to lose every time? Isn't it cliche to hear about failed same sex relationships? 'coz I'm tired of hearing it too, I am tired of the same, failed, messed up, make believe relationships I had or I thought I had.

Last night it was hard to breath, I felt like something really heavy was crushing me down. A sudden burst of panic rushed in and when all the adrenaline was gone, it was obvious to me that I am shattered. I am messed up. Isn't this line familiar?

It was all clear to me that I am not his priority. It was his studies, or his girlfriend, or some new fuckbuddy he now has, or I-Don't-Really-Care-What-The-Fuck-Is-His-Problem anyway. He is clearly ignoring me. When I try to console him, try to bring him to explain his sudden distance, he just denies, and for a second I will be content with it, but after that, doubt wins over and then comes the pain, like a flood, drowning, suffocating.

Now, I am trying to convince myself that what I need is a distraction. I guess I am right. I can't obsess about him all the time, I'd kill myself if I do. I can't be this messed up. I can't...I shouldn't be. I aint. I wont. Dammit!

Maybe its my fault? Is it too soon? Am I expecting too much from him? Am I demanding things beyond what he can only give? But what's wrong with that? If he doesn't value me as much as I value him, then he is not worth my time, my attention, my love. Now I do sound like I am really convincing myself.

I am dying on the inside. I am dying to see him. I am dragged down by his gravity.

Get this over and done with...I wish it was that simple. :{