I just wanted to celebrate my friend's first blog, and I should say, it's a rather extravagant beginning indeed. The reason to be proud, is an eye-opener, a powerful statement, a voice of the most underrepresented sector in this country. I think he should make more articles. Go Gersie!! ^_^

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Bad bad bad

Recently I received dire news about my ACLS training. I flunked my ACLS exams according to them, I missed a point, the passing score was 19 and I only got 18, and that was the only reason. A mere 1 point difference that ruined my day, and eventually burned my 4 thousand pesos to dust. What the heck!! Just like that, no remorse (don't mind my blabbering, I'm just pissed really), I was expecting a little consideration, just a little, but I didn't get some. I understand that they are just keeping the name of their company with the highest standards, but when you're disappointed, you can't see straight, I mean, I can't see their side, or for now, I can't accept whatever reason they have. I feel that I have lost a lot, especially because It's not easy to produce 4 thousand pesos with the salary we nurses get. I can accept their reason if I have flunked all exams, or if I failed the megacode or something. But I didn't. tsk tsk. Now my head hurts thinking how will I budget my salary to pay for the damned ACLS fee and it's christmas (grits teeth), how will I buy gifts then? I'm just wrecked, I'm so pissed really. Really really pissed.

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My First Tattoo

So, after so many years of contemplating when to get a tattoo and looming over a thousand designs, I finally get the chance to have the tattoo done. So why the circle? I chose Enso (Japanese name for circle) because I thought, the simplicity and the meaning behind it is just perfect for a tattoo. According to the ever reliable Wikipedia, it symbolizes enlightenment, strength, elegance, the universe, and the void. It can also symbolize the Japanese aesthetic itself.

So what was it like? well at first it was really, and I say, REALLY painful. Just imagine slicing your skin with so many blades, that is tantamount to the feeling you get when your being tattooed, but you can bear the pain. you just have to concentrate I guess or meditate.

So we decided to meet after duty, about 2pm yesterday, and from the hospital we went to my colleague's apartment to do the tattoo session there. Toti, the one doing the tattoo, was a friend of my colleague. He was nice and his strokes are impeccable. I was actually thinking of having another tattoo with him as my tattoo artist.

We were drinking vodka whilst the tattoo commenced. I should say, the vodka helped a little to distract me from the pain. The session expired after about a couple of hours. We decided to eat some porksilog after. We talked about an hour more, relishing the experience.

It still hurts, but it's worth it. Nothing compares to the fulfillment you get when it's done. I am now planning to have my second tattoo but not for now I 'll settle with my enso. Maybe next year I'll have my next tatt.

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The Conjurer:WIP part 1: the characters

So I've been meaning to start on this project for soooo long, and just now I decided to start working the plot forward. I have been stuck at developing the mythology of the elder days of my story, unfortunately I have noticed that the mythology is getting to vast already and I thought that I would never finish the present if I focus on the past/history. Forgive me if the plot seems disconnected at times, because this is still a WIP (work in progress). So here goes nothing...

First with the characters...

Main Character/s:
Eldaron - the main protagonist. The High Conjurer (Aesahir) half Masai-half human. A descendant of a royal lineage. Son of Galdor (high king of the Masai) and Midea (queen, a human), they live in Ife, the holy city near the lake Erea. He lost his father and mother when he was still an infant from the assassination attempt of the high priest Sahadrin to his father. He was transported to Carhendrel*, a city lying in the border of Fayen and Kalimdor, by his mother using a portal. He was then found by Worfina and Mattheus, a trader, and was raised as their own son. He grows as an adolescent together with Ardon his brother (real son of Mattheus and Worfina). But then an incident kills his foster parents and brother by a band of mercenaries hired by Xenomius (a tyrant king of Zygaria) to retrieve an artifact, the mirror of Ashan. He then swore revenge for the murder of his family and was filled with hate and malevolence which in turn triggered his power which awakened Sihattu, the uluri* governing death and decay. Nothing was spared from his onslaught except one mercenary who escapes to tell Xenomius of the man who can conjure the Ulurei. Xenomius learns of the power that belonged to the ancient race of the Masai and sets on a hunt for Eldaron.

Galdor - high king of the Masai, father of Eldaron. Keeper of the shard, or the broken "Ki"* or the tablet of destiny and its secrets. The high priest envied his knowledge of the "Ki" and in turn planned for his assassination which became successful.

Midea - queen of the inhabitants of Ife, the holy city upon the lake Erea, wife of Galdor. A human that belonged to a mighty lineage of humans that first fought wars against the evil god Malkut. She was among the first humans to set foot upon Ife and heeded the call of the god Ennugi that was then called "the gathering" when the gods descended upon Khaldun to bring the Ki.

Sahadrin - the high priest of the brotherhood. The antagonist. After killing the high king he escapes Ife, and conceals his identity. He becomes Rasuman, the chief executor of the tyrant king, Xenomius. An executor is a chief counsel of the king. Leader of the order of mages of the high council. He is a servant of the evil god Malkut. The evil god bent him to retrieve the broken shards of the Ki, for when put together the "doom of the gods"* will be lifted from Khaldun and use the Sakkuth* (the truth of the universe) to destroy all of creation.

Secondary Characters:

Lady Caliope - a seer that belonged to a tribe of warrior women, the Gaur*. They do not have men in their tribe but kidnaps men every mating season, to mate with them to have offsprings. They are a tribe of seers, druids and warriors. Every seer is accompanied with a warrior (called a guardian) for it is believed that seers are weak. Profession is determined at birth by a ritual called the ordination. Her guardian is Helme, a warrior ordained at birth to accompany her. Seers draw strength from their guardians. Unlike oracles who directly speak to the god Ahmun (fate), seers see through the omens of the threads of fate. They will join Eldaron in his quest of completing the Ulurei to defeat Sahadrin when Eldaron saves them from an ambush from the dark mages of Suram.

Helme - the guardian of Caliope, who develops love for the seer. In their tribe, anything more than a seer-guardian relationship is forbidden. When the high council founds out of their romantic relationship, they were banished from their tribe. It was then that Caliope saw through her divination of a man that will bring them salvation, Eldaron, and they must help him finish his quest.

Gohn - a barbarian from the north (Snorri), belonging to a tribe of barbarians, the arganta. He is on a mission to kill Xenomius, the king tyrant of Zygaria. His tribe was almost wiped out in the invasion of Zygaria during the great expansion* including his parents. He rides for Zygaria but falls prey from a band of Xenomius' assassins in Assad, but was saved by Eldaron and Helme in a rendezvous in Nakir. He owes Eldaron his life and swears his allegiance to him and promised him aid in completing his quest till the end.

Morwen - a druadanu (elf). He is the son of the high king of the hidden kingdom of Qalludin. He seeks the "godbane" for which their oracle prophesied will be the one to destroy the world. The druadanu are hard ( like the bark of a tree) and pale-skinned. They live in the forests of Khaldun and has the power to control nature. He learns that Eldaron is the godbane and joins him in his quest to befriend him and earn his trust so that he can execute his plan on killing him to put an end to the prophecy, but in the end, he will have to choose between friendship and his real mission.

Menelthor - a necromancer from the northeast (Argath), the bloodlands. A desolate place where the bloodmages (damudar) and necromancers (mulkassa) reign. He loses his power in a duel with his rival Allut. Because of the humiliation he exiles himself from his tribe. He embarks on a quest to find the legendary bloodstone* (damulith) to regain his power and dignity back.

Landon - A blade master from Myr (Essyth). He belongs to the last line of the blade masters. of the south. In the invasion of Zygaria in Essyth, he swore allegiance to his king, to defend Essyth from the invaders. He leads a band of warriors to the sea to stop the invaders from ever setting foot to Essyth but was ambushed by a hoard of assassins and dark mages. His battleship capsizes and he somehow loses his memory. He wakes at a beach in Suyam in Fayen and from there learns of a hero, Eldaron, who saves their town from an invasion from Zygaria. He decides to join them and follows them. He will become the guardian of Eldaron and eventually falls in love with him.

Supplementary Info:

Carhendrel - a neutral city bordering the provinces of Kalimdor and Fayen. The state of Carhendrel is famous for it is the only place in all Khaldun that is devoid of magic. Surrounded by the 3 Arken stones, nothing of magical origin can penetrate the area. The arken stones, according to legends came from the sky, that separated into three rocks. Carhendrel was once the center of magic in all of Khaldun, a natural nidus of free flowing magic, in turn it was discovered that a gate of power existed in Carhendrel, a dark mage knew of this information and used it to open a gate to Nehir (infernal plane). A great battle was waged in Carhendrel and in the end, a wizard (believed to be a Masai) conjured the arken stones (it was actually Alludanu, the uluri governing meteor) from the sky. The gate was closed and the demon hoard was stopped and from then on the city became devoid of magic.

The Uluri - the spirits of Anu. They are also called the elder gods and the ancient ones. They are classified into the greater ulurei and the lesser ulurei. The greater ulurei, the first born, were Adun, the god governing destruction, and Naru, the god governing creation, they are also called the primeval powers, representing the cycle of birth and death. The lesser ulurei, represent the elements. They are , Isatu, governing fire, Anzu, water, Saru, Air, Kaquru, Earth, Araku, time, Kuppu, Ice, Rusundu, Mud, Nabu, Nature or forests, Birqu, lightning, Imhullu, storm, Ribu, earthquake, Duppuru, gravity, Isakuru, brimstone, Alludanu, meteor, Seru, light, Sillu, shadow, and Sihattu, death and decay. Their completion created Anu, the hollow structure where the gods (the vanunaki) created the planes. They are also called the chaos gods, for they are untamed. When the vanunaki were created, they locked the lesser ulurei into spheres called the Asahad. and used them to fashion Anu and create the planes. Since they cannot make the greater ulurei into sheres they made Naru sleep and created Erudin, the sleeping chamber and locked Adun in a durance, Ninkur, with the 8 seals of dominion. When the vanunaki were finished with their labors, and learned of the sakkuth, they envisioned the Ki, or the tablet of destiny. In the making of the Ki much of their powers went to it, including the Asahad or the lesser ulurei. Then Lahamu, king of the Vanunaki, descended upon Khaldun, in the lake Erea, to exalt with their creation. Little did they know of the plans of Malkut, the enemy of the vanunaki. And his vengeance was swift as he smote his malice into the Ki, the Ki was then shattered into pieces and was spread accross all of Khaldun. With the shattering of the Ki, a doom was then set forth into Khaldun. That whenever the gods shall descend upon Khaldun, they will be stripped off their powers and shall age and rot like mortals. the gods then ascended to Dilmun (abode of the gods) and Malkut into Nehir (infernal plane). but the Ki remained in Khaldun. It was then prophesied that the gathering of the shattered pieces of the Ki shall lift the doom of the gods and the wielder of the completed Ki shall attain immense power (sakkuth).

Ki - the tablet of destiny. the power of the gods in physical form. It is also called the divine law. It is believed that when the ki was made a great power went to it that it was terrible to behold. It represented the collective soul of the gods. and from then on all of malkut's strength went on pursuing to destroy it.

Doom of the Gods - WIP

Gaur - WIP

The great expansion - WIP

Damulith (bloodstone) - WIP

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I'm stuck making the plot of my novel/story...the mythology is somewhat immense and making the history from beginning to the middle of the story as a background is making my head throb. I think I need help, I need suggestions. Maybe I'll post the gist of my story here soon...

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It is true that weariness waxes and wanes just like the moon. Just like a thief, it comes swiftly. But as time goes, you get an immunity from it. These hormones are just crazy, they surge then curb down. Sometimes I get lonely, then I bounce up, then fall again into loneliness. What the fuck! Just insane...

I really don't like this 8-day straight of work...tiring. But there's nothing that I can do, I can't even whine because I agreed to this. grrrr...

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Doomed

Why is it that when I see a guy I had a past with, and he is happy with a relationship, I think about myself and I become resentful. Angry. Insecure. Jealous. I always ask "why does it have to be me that is always unlucky?" Is it really hard to find love? Am I doomed to be single for the rest of my life?

My friends say that I am choosy, but I always say, "Do I need to lower my expectations?" Do we need to ignore the spark, and just consider the first one who comes even if you don't feel anything for them? Hmmm...

I always try to avoid conversations like this with myself. For I know this will only lead me to a swirling downward path. I don't want to be miserable and resentful. But sometimes no matter how high I set my defenses to be, misery finds a weak spot and then it all crumbles down. No matter how fast I run away from it, weariness follows. I just want to be grateful but sometimes, pessimism gets a hold on me first. So how do I deal with it?

I try to get myself busy...

Working at SLHMC keeps me preoccupied for the mean time. But when I come home, boredom sets in and misery finds its way back. So keeping myself busy with work isn't really a good idea. So now, I am trying to keep myself busy with learning deutsche (german). Hopefully this will work. I just hope I don't get distracted again.

I remembered I made I poem about this...

where thou is love?
I traversed the plains and deeps of this life
and yet failed to see
to feel this estranged bliss
of what they say is love
I did of long time ago
felt bliss but not too long
it came to be an illusion
for I was but fooled into this
world of chance
where you gamble your life
and nothing makes sense

But I would never give up
for there is a time
that will come
where someone shall cross my path
and there begin to change
this bitter feeling towards love

I can but hold on
but for how long
can I wait?
For the fear ever grows in my heart
where doubt is a hidden shadow
that slowly cloaks in my impatience
how long will I wait for you my love?

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Choosing a path...

It has been a long time since I last wrote here in my blog and I feel that I have missed a lot. So, what have been keeping me busy these days? Work..work and work. I am now training in the Emergency Room at Southern Luzon Hospital and Medical Center. So I have completely forgotten James, but what he did may still be here, but it will remain only as a string of memory and nothing more.

So I have been training for two weeks now at SLHMC and I can say that I have learned a lot from my training. Its hard to be content with SLHMC because my service is not yet paid and it's incredibly far from my house, but I have to force myself to be content. I have no choice, that is what I used to say to myself. But now, suddenly God opens a window, two windows in fact.

Last Last Thursday, I was surprised when my mother told me that Philippine Heart Center called, I was scheduled for an interview, HR deliberation they called it. Well, it was a panel interview, and it was nerve-racking. The interviewers were all serious-looking and were examining my every move and body language. But I survived it. I said in the end whatever happens I would not regret what I said and how I answered every question thrown at me. Pass or fail whatever outcome, I would still feel proud of myself because I made it that far.

Now, about the next window, my aunt told me last Saturday that another hospital, Biñan Doctors Hospital, will call for my scheduled exams this coming Wednesday. Whoa! I said, now after about so much wait, God has given me two paths to choose and now I am afraid to make the same mistake again and choose the wrong path. Though I know somehow that God sometimes makes the right path hidden to the naked eye, He, most of the time leaves clues for us to see through the veil that obstructs our true path. So where's the clue? hmm.. I think I know. Grateful. ^_^

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I have decided today to move on. I have completely ignored my ego just to woo James but to no avail he is just not interested anymore. I cannot let myself be humiliated again anymore. It is really hard to keep myself sane especially when I'm alone here at home. I am in constant war with my own thoughts, as I keep my paranoia at bay. Thoughts like, "is it my fault?", "what's wrong with me?", "why haven't I figured it out in the first place?", "maybe I'm too thin.", "maybe I'm effeminate for him." and so on and so forth.

I have been wallowing in my anger, despair and regret for two days now, and it is somehow sapping my energy. I'm tired of thinking, I'm tired of moving, I am tired of finding him.

I search in the chaos of my mind and find regret to be the most palpable. It is really difficult to let go. What's funny though is that I have genuinely felt this strong emotion for a guy I don't personally know yet. How many times had this happened before? Do I never learn? How can this happen? I constantly find myself breaking my rules, my beliefs, taking my words against myself just to win over a guy I really like. But like some unstoppable force of nature, almost always that guy doesn't like me back.

I cannot say that I want to quit, because I can't. In this journey on finding love, one's path is only forward. Many times we are taken aback, but we tread on, forward, until we reach the dead end, where the right person awaits. The path maybe long, torturous and tiring but maybe it's worth it. No, this is not my sorry futile attempt to feel good about feeling bad.

The hole that he left only made me stronger and wiser. I am not yet ready for redemption and maybe even forgiveness, not now or in the immediate future. I must let time heal me first.

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Why does it always seem, that when I talk about something that hasn't happened yet, or if I tell something I am excited about, it fails.

I think that I have disappointed him, he hasn't sent any messages since last night. I am overwhelmed with sadness, despair, anger and regret. Why does it always have to be me suffering. When I meet someone I really like, shit happens. It's either me blowing things up or him leaving me with no explanation whatsoever. I really don't know what is wrong with my love life.

I have always said to myself that it's never my fault, and it's their loss, but at the end of the day, I can't help but wonder, why me? why does this always happen? I want to give up already. I really want to...I think I need to work now. Get a new diversion.

They say that I should not look for him because he'll come, maybe...I should really stop looking.

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Distant Grumblings Part 4: Who's James?

*Taken from my journal on 06-26-09

Tonight was somehow special apart from the reason that I was able to finally watch Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, I had a date. A rather special guy I met in g4m. His handle was shy-chef, well he was rather not shy actually. He gave me a message that he liked my eyes, and from there I replied back and the rest was history. This is different from the rest of the guys that I met in the past because it was a date. A real, no-sex date. It was kind of awkward though, because I was clueless that he wanted to caress him in his privates until he said it when we were about to part ways.
I like him really. I can see myself taking the "serious" route with him. But I don't want to rush. Plus, I don't want to be the first to suggest a relationship. The way he was disappointed when I never did what he wanted kinda sent a message that he is not yet into the "serious" path. or maybe I'm just speculating too much like before. I don't know if he likes me too or not. I just hope that he does because I really like him (obviously).

---

About Rommel (thinkbig), well he is really history. He gave me clap. but I was able to ask for help. Thanks to my best friend. Now I'm clear of it.
Ryan is history as well. he kind of thought that I was too clingy when in fact I was just too excited about the sex. It didn't happen though, too bad it didn't, but it's his loss.
Chrisson doesn't text anymore but who cares, top40buff also doesn't text, but it's okay.

---

Now that I like James, I am beginning to hate myself because I am too obvious. Argh! I don't know what else to do. This emotion clouds my judgement.

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The ceremony of rain-bathing

The rainy days have started and this rain bathing has become a ceremony of sorts to me.

Back then in my younger years, I have always celebrated the coming of rain. For me, nothing compares to the peace that it gives as drops gently spatter in my skin, every tickle send sensations I cannot fathom or explain but can only appreciate.

This afternoon gave me reason again to celebrate.

A foreboding cloud suddenly made me excited and giddy. This one, I thought must bring a lot of precipitation. And I was right. I was ready to begin the ceremony.

I would undress, leaving only my shorts. I would hesitate at first, reach out with my hand, a moments pause to feel it all and then I charge in the open. Look face up and then I close my eyes. There, as the noise fades out in the harmony of its gentle spattering in the earth, only at that time, I become one with nature, with the universe. Every drop reminds me to be grateful that I am alive, a million reasons to celebrate life and be at peace with myself. Nothing compares to that feeling. I would stay that way, savoring every drop, commiserating with the heavens, till it withers away. Excitement turns into ecstasy, ecstasy turns into peace, peace turns into anxiety, and anxiety turns into sadness.

After the rain, I cleanse myself with the usual soap and shampoo and let myself dry, clothe again and become nostalgic of my acquiescence with mother nature. I shelter in the safety of my home praying that I would be graced tomorrow once again to do the ceremony of rain-bathing.

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The Stages of a Booklover's Grief

While I was reading the newspaper this morning, I glanced upon an article about the Bureau of Customs revising a previous interpretation of a law that granted tax-free importation of foreign books. As I read sentence by sentence, feelings of disgust, indignation, and dissension slowly surfaced. This preposterous idea could soon make international best selling books scarce in local bookstores, importation of foreign titles has virtually stopped so to speak. It has started since a couple of months ago. Now, international best-sellers might be out of reach of ordinary Filipino booklovers like me.

Ofcourse, the first reaction was denial. No this is not true. This cannot be happening. I told myself, no this won't push through. Over and over again, I tried to convince myself but when it all failed, I suddenly became angry, outraged. This government is really damned! How can they snatch the one valuable thing in this world? How can they not realize what value books have in ordinary people like me, who finds utter bliss in reading cheap but quality books. As my outrage soon escalated, i saw this name, Espele Sales. he, allegedly, is the one behind this absurdity. he should be burned at the stake I thought. This anger cannot be quelled and was even aggravated when he said that novels and reading books are "not educational". WTF!

This supposed RA 8047 had no provision granting tax-free book importation according to Sales. but critics said that this violated the 1950 Florence Agreement on the Importation of Educational, Scientific, and Cultural Materials. This treaty has provided for duty-free importation of books to guarantee the free flow of educational, scientific, an cultural materials between countries. To this Sales retorted that novels are not educational, giving him the right to put tax on novels. This is truly unimaginable. To say even that novels are not educational is like blasphemy. Who and what kind of individual of sound mind would say that novels are not educational? While it maybe fictional stories, I can say that I learned a lot from the novels that I have read. From grammar, to vocabulary, to facts of life, novels are a whole lot more than being informative and entertaining. Must he be out of his mind? To belittle the worth of novels is like profanation to booklovers. he must not be a booklover I thought. he cannot fathom the disappointment of not having a most cherished book, or of the sudden gasp of breath upon seeing a most wanted book for sale, and conversely for standing aghast on a high price tag for the same, or of the fleeting emotion of the touch of paper in ones fingertips, of the enthusiasm, vigor and thrill to leaf through every page, or of the hypnotic smell of paper and ink, etc. etc. In short, the joy of reading a book or a novel. Then suddenly, i felt pity for him, sorry even for not having felt the same emotions we booklovers feel.

My anger was soon overshadowed by sadness. Now that the Department of Finance has declared that its all been a mistake, that books should've been taxed all along, books will now become more expensive and even further beyond the reach of the likes of me. It will even take books longer to arrive on store shelves. Dire it is indeed.

Jessica Zafra, on her article emotional weather report, said "What's tragic is that in our country, decisions are always based on expediency." As I went through anger, sadness and pity, I cannot help but think, living on a third world country that's focused on making more money as more of it goes to the pockets of corrupt officials, where the autocrats and the elite rule and where oppression is preponderant, what would happen to us then if we do not know what value a book has? It is no less than our national hero that taught us how powerful books can become. have we become oblivious or just plain apathetic?

Zafra said "Books are the repository of human experience. They tell us what being human is all about." It is sad indeed that most of us Filipinos do not really know what being human is all about, and even more frustrating that we do not know its worth.

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30 Random Things About "Paul"

*This is an actual entry from my facebook account. I just decided to post it here because I can't think of new topics to post. So here it goes. Don't worry Ill shake my head for more topics in the future.

I actually first saw this listmania from my friend Che but didn't really took notice until I stumbled upon Celine R. Lopez's article on the Sunday Lifestyle section of the Philippine Star. So here's my shot at the list craze...
1. I love music and I listen to every kind of genre but it all depends on my mood. I usually look for the right melody and the lyrics should be cleverly written.
2. I used to think that I am the center of the universe. I resort to complain about every bugging detail that doesn't tip to my favor until I read Paolo Coelho's Brida.
3. The most profound book I've ever read was "The secret" by Rhonda Byrnes, although I find the principles it taught me hard to actually practice.
4. I love chocolates. Among my favorites are Cadbury Dairy Milk and Nutella. I used to take a teaspoonful of Nutella after meals and its just plain bliss after, but lately I'm cutting it down and is paying more attention to GIs (Glycemic Index).
5. I love to watch anime and read manga and I don't care if somebody tells me that it's for kids only because it's not. Among the animes that I religiously watch and read their mangas are naruto, bleach and souleater.
6. I consider myself an escapist. I am fond of escaping from reality once in a while through reading, watching and playing computer games.
7. Vertigo is the most terrible thing for me. It's close to near death. I'm effing scared of it and that's why I so hate it.
8. I love to read. The most engaging book I've ever read so far was the Twilight Saga. Recently I've been looking for a book that would beat the record it set for me.
9. I love the glorious combination of honey and mustard. Salads would not be salads without it.
10. Strawberries are to die for. Strawberry ice cream, candies and everything made from it.
11. I have a predilection for everything sour (those that are edible of course) from fruits to delicacies especially pasta dishes.
12. I dream of having D&G, John Galliano and Dsquared2 in my closet.
13. I think of myself as a writer and dreams of making my own fantasy novel but hasn't really conjured the guts to make it happen.
14. I believe that I will one day have the freedom to travel the world.
15. I find it hard to speak sometimes. Speaking eats a lot of my energy and makes my mental faculties work a lot harder.
16. I constantly edit what I think, say and write because I am my biggest critic.
17. I love my friends but I am not a showy type of person but I know they know that.
18. I will someday have a tattoo. I find it manly and that's why tattoos are a plus for me.
19. I am not much of a coffee fan but I like caramel macchiato (double espresso) with whip cream (non-fat).
20. Some of my high-school friends and I think that we're still stuck in high school. We still do the same things like before. They're like my philosopher's stone and keeps me young at least at heart.
21. I still wish that David Beckham was gay (how I really wish) he's so freakin' hot. grrrrrr. (^_^)
22. I love Brazilian men, and their brazen bodies. They are a sight to behold and I wonder, why did God create brazilian men to be so beautiful. Makes me wish I had a brazilian boyfriend. hahahaha!
23. I'm not much of a starwars fan but between star trek and starwars, I'd choose starwars. (but the latest star trek movie is interesting).
24. I prefer cats over dogs and hates to see caged birds. Birds are created to fly in the open.
25. I don't believe in religion but I believe in God (sounds cliche but my friends know about this) and I'm usually the skeptic, I always have doubts about everything, scientific inquiry makes me sound like intelligent. hehe
26. I love the adrenaline rush that roller coasters can only give. It scares the hell out of you before the drop but excitement builds on after and when its all over you feel proud of yourself for overcoming your fear. SF Magic mountain you just wait I'm coming there. harhar
27. Will and Grace and Danielle Fishel (The Dish) never fails to make me laugh when I watch them.
28. The farthest place south (In the Philippines) I've ever been was in Boracay, the farthest place north was in Pagudpud.
29. The beach, the moon, stars and the feeling of rain spattering in my skin is just something I would never trade for anything.
30. Finding a cheap and yet good book at Booksale is just plain utter bliss.

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Bloodlust

Last Night I chanced upon this show on cinemax (cable channel), the show is true blood. Created by Alan Ball, the genius behind Six Feet Under, which I really loved. Now, I have known about this since last year, but was never able to watch it until it came to Asian televisions last night. The show was unprecedented. I never expected it to be so...astounding. I first got to know the story of Sookie back then when the twilight craze was still fresh, I was browsing on the fiction shelf of a local bookstore and saw this novel. I thought it had certain similarities with twilight, and that made me put it down. Imitation was the highest form of flattery I thought, but I was wrong. True blood is an original in a way. Thank God I chanced upon it last night, or I would have never forgiven myself for not watching such a worthy series.

Alan Ball has never lost his magic. In fact last night was somehow nostalgic of six feet under. The story is replete with enchanting characters. Alan Ball is truly a master, how he can make characters seem so realistic and yet weird in a way is really his trademark. Every character is interesting and exciting as episode by episode answers unfold. Watching it is like riding a roller coaster.

The mind reading ability is reminiscent of twilight but on true blood, its quite different. The sex scenes were resplendently done and is peppered quite commonly in the entire length of each show which I definitely like. The mystery factor is also enthralling, and leaves you craving for more. I like the notion that this show was somehow like 'twilight for adults'. Last night was a marathon of 4 episodes and during that 4 hours of jaw dropping blood, sex, and magic, I can't help but wish that it will continue till day breaks or something like that. Now I'm craving for more and can't wait till next thursday. (True blood is aired every Thursday in cinemax.)

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This day became a source of unending struggle between sadness and desperation. I applied recently at a call center, and went through the preliminary assessment. The grueling long hours of waiting for the next process for the application to begin was indeed life-sapping and nerve-racking. I am disappointed that I failed the final assessment and would just like to vent out. But one would wonder why a registered nurse will apply for a customer service position. Not that I view such a job as low and degrading but one can only posit a fact, that the nursing profession here is indeed in a dire situation. Almost all the hospitals are freeze hiring as the pool of unemployed nurses steadily rise. Pushing more and more nurses to apply for jobs that are not really connected with nursing.

No. I am not blaming the baleful situation here, but I am more of blaming myself. I always consider myself as more of a writer than a speaker. Am I justifying again my incompetency? Maybe. Again, I just want to vent my disappointment here after all this is my blog and I will write what I feel writing.

I always find myself contradicting my own words...

Anyway after the disappointment comes desperation again, incessant whining will not bring me salvation. Nobody will pay someone to rant and cry over childish complaints. So what now? On again with the job hunt. *sigh

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Distant Grumblings Part 3: The Post-Twilight Syndrome

12/22/08

"It has been a month since I last saw the movie twilight and still I cannot get over it. Nhejj insisted that we watch the movie, but I was skeptical and hesitant at first to watch it because of my natural aversion to all things mushy, romantic and too-good-to-be-true happy endings. Moreover it was being compared to Harry Potter, and being a Rowling fan from the start I was defensive about it, until I watched the movie and I decided that I was right and at the same time wrong.
I was right that nothing could compare to Harry Potter because it's unique, and twilight tackles a different shade of the usual young adult fantasy genre. Rowling and Meyer are good in their own styles of writing and there's no doubt about it.
I was wrong about the aversion thing because I liked it, in fact I loved it a lot. So much was my fascination for the story that it set a record high for me. No book that has caught my attention has ever hooked me to read it non-stop until twilight. It somehow unleashed the voracious reader in me. It even altered my ADL's (Activities of Daily Living) in a profound kind of way. I never slept, I skipped meals, not because I was never hungry, but because I forgot to think about eating. My mind was so focused on it that I was so immersed in the story. Never have I had a relationship with a story as intimate as this one.
So back with the movie, after that, I was so eager to read the book. Good thing Nhejj has the entire saga and so I borrowed them. She gave the first two as bringing the four will be inconvenient for her. And so I read the first book in one day beginning the second instantly after. The second book, New Moon, was the most memorable for me because it was the most emotionally intense of the four. The pain that Bella felt in the story reached me and somehow got to me. I actually cried reading the book.
I had two days of waiting time to endure to continue reading the remaining two books because Nhejj had trouble with her schedule, but I understood only my patience didn't, and so i was like silent agony to suspend my longing to read the rest but it didn't last long.
After two days I began reading the third book and the fourth and final book, Breaking Dawn, the day after. I should say that I was kind of disappointed on the way Meyer designed the ending to be, because all the while I expected it to deviate a little from being "too safe" because after all it's the ending. Why not make it a little more extravagant and edgy, have some explosions here and there, kill a minor character, machinate a war of epic proportions and end it with a loud bang! and the heroes win...but it didn't happen. Only the "they lived happily ever after" scene made it. So I felt short of it and then I remembered that this was supposed to be a young adult fantasy and I am no young adult, I wish I was, but I'm not. So much for wishful thinking. But come to think of it, it may not be perfect to me but to the million of teenagers who have read it , maybe it was.
All in all the saga was worth keeping in my collection. Ten, twenty or even thirty years after I would still feel the same emotions I felt when I reread it because now, it became not just a book, but a relevant one. So this is what they call the post-twilight syndrome but I like it though. I would like to let it linger in me for a while. Twilight is a magnificent love story and I am glad it came to my knowledge. The story may seem like an ivory tower to the romantically poverished or for the wishful thinkers but who cares, it is my sweet escape and I'll have it.

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Conversations with Paolo Coelho's Brida

I read for one evening Brida (Paolo Coelho), the book I bought for my birthday and I thought that I made the right choice. The book was really worth buying. The whole read was like a journey, somehow Coelho had some knowledge of the profound truths of the universe and he had the wisdom to back it up. I didn't know him personally and it was my first time reading his book but somehow I believed him. I find some of the passages in the book imitating life itself. I find some of it similar to what was happening in my life if not applicable to the predicament I'm in.
Coelho talked about those people who are addicted to loneliness, and he wrote:
"people who believe the world to be undignified, inglorious place and who spent their evenings and nights talking on and on about the mistakes others had made. They were people whom solitude had made into the judges of the world, whose verdicts were scattered to the 4 winds for whoever cared to listen." and I thought this was like me. I always complained about others, about my father and mother and what they did to me, about what others thought about me, about what my friends didn't do that made me upset, about the silly things I complain about just because I was not the center of all attention. I then had the urge to deny this but then, I realized, it's true. I am lonely and it somehow stinged a little, but then I understood and I forgave myself. I felt as if a heavy weight has been lifted off my chest.
Then there was this passage:
"She sensed that she was missing out on something very important in life and that if she carried on as she was, she would simply continue to repeat the same experience over and over again." and so I thought I am missing out on life. This was what my friends have been telling me all along but I never really listened. That's why I repeat the same mistake over and over again and it pressed on me the urgency to find a break into my vicious cycle. I haven't really thought of it as important before not until now, and this book made me realize that.
"By taking risks, by risking failure, disappointment, disillusion, but never ceasing in your search for love. As you keep looking, you will triumph in the end." and then there was this passage. This is another inner conflict I have been denying and belittling all along. I have been always afraid of rejection and my silly preoccupation to it led me to this path of loneliness. So it seemed I found the answer that I have looking for all along.
Coelho continued:
"I'm always starting things and then giving up. She thought rather sourly. Perhaps life would soon realize this and stop presenting her with the same opportunities over and over or perhaps, by always giving up when she had only just started, she had exhausted all possible paths without even taking a single step. But that was how she was and she felt herself growing gradually weaker and less and less able to change...she knew other people who did the same - they, too, got used to their mistakes and it wasn't long before they began to see them as virtues and by then it was too late." and I thought I am now weak, but still able to change. I have gotten used to my mistakes but I think I don't see them yet as virtues, not yet. So this means, I still have time to act and so something about it.
Coelho also talked about choosing paths:
"Choosing a path meant having to miss out on others. She had a whole life to live and she was always thinking that, in the future, she might regret the choices she made now. She wanted to follow all possible paths and so ended up following none. She feared pain, loss and separation. These things were inevitable on the path to love, and the only way of avoiding them was deciding not to take that path at all. Life is so complicated. You had to take risks, follow some paths and abandon others. There are people who followed certain paths only to prove that they weren't the right ones, but that wasn't as bad as choosing a path and then spending the rest of your life wondering if you'd made the right choice. No one could make a choice without feeling afraid." and I thought no one understood me. I was afraid, too afraid in fact, to move and do something. I haven't took the risk at all, it only remained as a possibility for me and I was neglecting the fact that pain, love and separation is inevitable in the path to love, so what's wrong with me?
"Perhaps the time when it goes wrong are teaching you something. Nothing in the world is ever completely wrong. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day." so I guess nothing is really wrong with me. So what stops me from doing something?
Then Coelho said "Never stop having doubts. If you ever do, it will be because you've stopped moving forward, and at that point, God will step in and pull the rug from under your feet. If for any reason we stop, whether out of complacency, laziness, or out of a mistaken belief that we know enough, He forces us on. On the other hand, you must be careful never to allow doubt to paralyze you. Always take the decision you need to take, even if you're not sure you're doing the right thing, you'll never go wrong if, when you make a decision, you keep in mind an old German proverb "the Devil is in the detail". Remember that proverb and you'll always be able to turn a wrong decision into a right one." And there, the answer I have been dying to know all along. Suddenly the path that I need to take became clear. This is what I have to do get me out of this mess. And I thought this is what God wanted me to do.
"Life is about making mistakes. It was a mistake that set the world in motion. Never be afraid of making mistakes. Never be ashamed, accept what life offers you and try to drink from every cup. All wines should be tasted, some should only be sipped, but with others drink the whole bottle. You can only know a good wine if you have first tasted a bad one." and I say Amen! to that. Certainly Brida has paved the way for my long-awaited change to consummate. Finally! after a year and almost all my lifetime, the epiphany I was asking for came.

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On my Birthday

This was my journal entry last Friday, January 16, 2008.

"Today was supposed to be a happy day because after all, its my birthday. Ironically, I feel empty and unbelievably angry and I don't know why. I still haven't probed deeper on the reasons behind the feelings I feel right now, but now is the right time I guess.
I feel empty, maybe because there are so many things that I want to achieve and yet those things remain out of my reach, and that frustrates me. I am getting no younger and yet I haven't proven something yet, I am still the mediocre "nobody" that I was, insignificant and broke. I still believe that there's more to me than this but I don't know what to do. Somehow I am waiting for something but I am getting impatient. I think that life is telling me something but I refuse to listen because I am too stubborn or too complacent. Back then I would argue with my reasons but now I'm starting to doubt myself and the reasons I held back then and now I am so left behind.
I feel angry, maybe because of the apathy my father is projecting. I know I should've not expected my father to be something he is not but something in me longs for that. Am I wrong for asking such a simple thing?
Or maybe its because some of my friends have not remembered my birthday. Not that I want them to reciprocate with the effort I made to remember all of their birthdays but there's just a side of me that needs attention. I know its no big deal really and I will not make such a fuss about it, but somehow its true.
There is this side of me that wants to get even and I don't know yet if I will let it win over me because I know its bad. I can get bad karma too but there's something about consummating a well-thought revenge that makes me enthusiastic. I don't know, its the genes maybe and now I sound like my father.
I want to get a job, but how can I? I have sent resumes all over but they don't call back. What should I do? Shake their heads off till they consider my application?
This dilemma is getting a bit overrated really, and I'm getting a bit desperate now.
In spite of all the pessimism I still feel grateful though. I am now 27 years more wiser than before and I hope I use it right to get myself out of the junkyard I am in.

------

So the day of my birthday, my father gave me money, although he sounded sour and somewhat forced, he gave it anyway and it annoyed me. Like I needed his money, but I accepted it anyway so I bought two books, the elves of cintra by Terry Brooks and Brida by Paolo Coelho and I thought that it would somehow make teh emptiness I felt go away. For a moment I thought it did but after that I realized its still there so I gave a holler at Weng and to my surprise she hollered back. Weng was with Gersie so I decided to go there in Mandaluyong just to be away. Away from all the people and things that cause me pain.
I came at Gersie's place at around 7 pm and caught them watching Friends. Gersie is having a DVD marathon while Weng was flirting online at downelink.
We watched, talked, and laughed watching Friends wand waited till Danvy, Gersie's new boy toy, arrived. He bought with him food and a couple of beer and when Weng had enough flirting for a day, I had my turn and chatted online. After about a couple of hours I gave up because the crowd at downelink are a bit snobbish. I was about to sleep when Weng asked if I'm sleepy. I said no and like a light bulb I thought I saw her face lighten up and then I remembered she has been bugging me and Gersie to go out and have fun in Malate but I had to say no, so she suggested to have coffee instead at Starbucks Pioneer and I agreed. So Weng and I went out and left Gersie and Danvy by themselves to give them the privacy they needed. It was about 5 in the morning then.
Weng confessed that she wanted to cruise that's why she wanted to go out, and somehow I understood what she meant. Since Yhen's death, Weng has been misery's constant companion and we knew its hard really. Every time I feel the need to talk nothing comes out, and it makes me feel powerless to help her. It's not because I have nothing good to say but I'm afraid I guess that I might say the wrong words and do more harm than good. So we had some coffee, talked and pondered on things. We stayed till 7 am and thought we gave Gersie and Danvy enough time.
Weng and I agreed to have a haircut and stroll in Alabang just to kill time. That gave me the impression that somehow she doesn't want to go home just yet. But knowing Weng, it didn't happen really because she slept it off while I busied myself chatting at Gay.com.
I met two guys there. One doesn't want to give his real name, but it's okay, I don't give a damn really though he was intellectual and I had fun talking, I mean chatting with him. The second one, well I don't remember his name, was just for sex. He invited me to his hotel room in Makati, but I dissed him because I was unprepared and looked haggard, so I can't really risk going there, meeting someone for a hook up when I am unprepared and all.
That afternoon Weng received a text message from his brother that his uncle Ed was rushed to the hospital, eventually he had his third stroke. But strangely, Weng just ignored and ironically felt annoyed because she thought his uncle was being stubborn again. Hours passed and that evening while on the bus going home, her cousin Janet called and told her that uncle Ed progressed into coma, and she broke down. I consoled her on the way and did every thing I can do. We arrived in the hospital soon after and I left after about an hour when I was sure that Weng was somehow okay. The evening after, his uncle Ed passed away.

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Distant Grumblings Part 2: Charlie is my love is my infatuation is my past is nobody

02/16/08

"I wanna decide on something tonight. I am really confused because I can't seem to decide on what to do with Charlie. It has been two days since I last heard from him. I begin to question, if what he's saying is real. Are his feelings for me real or is he just playing with me? Maybe I'm expecting something from him when I shouldn't be expecting anything. We have not established the rules of our relationship or is there an actual relationship going on between the two of us? Certainly I don't want to feel paranoid every time he doesn't call, or every time I don't get to talk to him on the chat room. I feel something for him because I wouldn't miss him like this. I miss him like crazy. I want him to come back home and sweep me off my feet. I want to love him, but I just can't right now. I am not also honest about myself, because I say that his sexcapades there in Tokyo with girls is okay when I totally disagree with the idea. There are a lot of things I want to discuss with him but I just can't because what we have right now is so uncertain, so vague, that it is impossible to establish anything at the moment. Maybe what I would really want to do tonight is to just throw away these thoughts to oblivion and let myself be distracted by healthy thoughts."

02/17/08

"Three days now and still no word from Charlie. I miss him terribly, although I could've just opened my email and see if he has sent me a message. I didn't. I know that it is just pointless to think of things that I'm not sure if it ever happened or not. I had the opportunity a while ago but I guess I chose not to do it and now I'm bothered by the choice I made because if only I took a moment to open my email, maybe, just maybe Charlie left a message for me. That he can't call let's face it, he can't always buy a call card for me. He doesn't even know me that well. Certainly I made a mistake here, but what's good about this is at least I am aware of it. I am aware that I made a mistake and I know that it's too late to wallow on these thoughts but I guess it's good also to know that I'm able to express it all here. I just hope that tomorrow, I get to see Charlie on the chat room and finally talk to him."

02/18/08

"Earlier I opened my email and guess what? No message from Charlie. Days passed and something becomes clearer everyday, that I couldn't continue on with this. Day after day I become more aware that what I have and what I fee for him is nothing but infatuation. Although I am not sure yet if he is just playing with me but its not hard to assume. I finally set free this heavy burden that has been bothering me for the past four days. But what if he comes back? Then I'll talk to him, but I'll never fall for his pick-up lines again. If he is really for me? Then he must prove it. He must come home or it will never be us. Time to set my eyes around, my gaze has been fixed for too long."

02/19/08

"I was able to talk to Charlie earlier. Like what I thought, he was busy partying and he entertained a guest. All along I was waiting for the feeling to come back. But it didn't. Its like I'm more cautious, more aware, more doubtful of his advances. But I still like him though. He told me that he can't answer yet when he'll be back, if its for good or just a brief stay, because he's not sure yet, as if the answer is not his. And now I cant smile like before because now I am clouded with doubt and insecurity."

02/20/08

"Charlie is as usual a no show at the chat room today. I somehow expected it to be like that. Like I am numb to the pain."

02/21/08

"I tried logging on at around 6 pm. Charlie wasn't there. Maybe he went by and logged off early. I don't know. I just know that now its easier to breath because I know what I shared with him was just a dream and I had to wake up eventually. Its just sad to wake up from a wonderful dream but I gotta admit Charlie is far from reality right now. I'm kinda fed up of his excuses, he couldn't keep up with his own words, his words are inconsistent with his actions."

02/28/08

"Two days ago, I was able to chat again to Charlie. I learned from him that he had a car accident because he was drunk driving and so justifies his sudden absence. But to be honest, it never struck a chord in me. I felt pity for him yes, I still care for him, maybe a little, but I guess I have a grip now of my feeling for him. I am here and he is there, and now I am aware of that space between us."

03/13/08

"About a week ago I learned from Charlie the whole truth about why he distanced himself. He said he was kinda worried that I'm like forcing him to be with me, to go home, to be here and have a relationship. It was like a slap in the face. The words were like knives stabbing, but I guess the truth really hurts. What also is clear is that there is a big difference in our expectations. He was merely playing while I was getting serious already. At first I felt angry, of course it is an insult to my ego, but of course after careful thought I realized he has a point, I don't have the right to be angry, and so I said sorry. Now like before, whenever I talk to him, he doesn't seem to reply back. He tells me he's busy. I don't care."

03/28/08

"Two days ago I had a brief talk with Charlie. He said he had to cut the chat short because he was sleepy. It took me a day to realize that I should tell him what I felt that time. I told him the truth, that i felt angry and betrayed by what he did to me. So I told him I needed the closure so that I can move on, so that the next time we talk I can comfortably chat about it and remember it as nothing more but a lousy memory we used to share."

07/16/08

"I was actually more surprised to meet tokyoboy again at the chat room. It seemed a very long time since we last talked and yet I still feel a figment of anger I felt when I learned the truth from him back then. I actually planned on being silent until he noticed I was there. We talked much like before, updating ourselves of what has happened from our lives since we last talked.
I learned from him that Rayan was telling him the things that I have told Rayan about him. I was clearly annoyed but I had to pretend I'm not. Well as usual he said there's nothing wrong about it, because at least I was being honest and that he liked what I said. But it didn't affect me. He told me that when he comes home he will surely never forget to treat me. I don't want to expect anything from him anymore."

09/24/08

"It is always painful to accept rejection. How a person can sway you with words you believe at once and then you fall and then suddenly leaves you hanging.
It is always unfair to leave someone feeling the injustice of being not able to answer all the questions that baffle him that only the person that left can answer and realize that he is gone forever and that there is nothing you can do about it. A gaping hole is left. That person remains empty until such a time that he learns to forgive that person and himself and often forgiveness comes along only after so much damage has been dealt already.
This is reminiscent of what happened between me and Charlie. I still feel the hole he left when I read my past articles about him. Have I forgiven him? Yeah, I think so. I have accepted the fact that is just meant to be this way."

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Distant Grumblings Part 1: Charlie is tokyoboy is my infatuation is my love

Since I can't think of anything to write for the mean time, I will be showing my past journal entries. This was written on last year, january 26, 2008 and it was about a certain man I met at Bi-laguna (MIRC).

"I met someone today at MIRC. His chatname is tokyoboy. Well when I asked him what brought him there, its because he was looking for a sensible person to chat with. Our chat was okay. I never thought I would ever feel this way again. The last time I remember feeling this way was when I and Larry (kingpokpok) had communication still. But I have learned my lesson, or so i think. But I do like him. I do hope to chat again with him sometime."

01/27/08

"I wasn't able to chat to tokyoboy today because I was out almost half the day. When I checked on bi-laguna, I was too late. He went offline already. I will chaeck on him tomorrow and I hope to see him there. By the way tokyoboy's real name is Charlie. I am just enjoying my time with him I guess. He has a baby coming although he doesn't want to tie the knot yet. He is kind and sensible but it is as usual too early to presume that I know him too well. He wished that I find my man soon. That would mean that he was not my man, although its best not to presume anything I still have my hopes who knows? i just dont want to expect, I just want to enjoy every moment that I have with him."

01/31/08

"It has been five days since I met Charlie and already I feel something for him. I dont know what it is exactly but what Im sure of is everytime I talk to him I have this special smile only he can make me wear. I know its dangerous to cross the river this early and yet something tells me that what is important is that Im happy right now. I know that I have my doubts as well, but will it do me good? I dont know either, this feeling is clouding my judgement.
Maybe what I should do is to stand back a little bit and assess everything. I know I have experienced this a long time ago. I followed what my heart told me and all I got was nothing. he left me and suddenly vanished like that with no remorse. I dont know why he left because he didn't even bother to explain why.

Earlier he was there at the chatroom, but he was idle I thought maybe he dozed off, or he's busy doing something, many things are running in my mind right then but they aren't healthy I know because Im setting my expectations again. I have to set up my defenses anew and check regularly on loopholes. I dont want mistakes again because I have learned my lesson."

02/03/08

"I was able to chat again with tokyoboy today, and it didn't went quite well. He was busy yesterday. I reminded him that I sent him a message about 3 minutes before he logged out, and it didn't affect him. Well maybe because he had a killer hangover. I dont know. I try to give him the benefit of the doubt I guess. I am confused really. I am torn between dissing him and remaining to be a stranger or understanding him and giving this another try. If I weigh the odds right now, Im on the losing side. Id my analysis is correct then I should be dissing him because, one, he is in Tokyo and I am here in the Philippines, two, he seems to be too much lax, too bad boy of an image, to wild to be tamed, too overwhelming of his personality, too unpredictable, three, he has a son who's in Davao and plans to marry a girl someday and have a family. This seems to be the most palpable mistake I will ever make if I then choose to make out with him. But then again, when I think about he coming here again, or I have prejudged his personality when I havent known him that personal yetand that all of my fears about him are just mere speculations that havent happened or may never evn happen, my mind makes a 360 degree turn back and bring all the odds in favor of him, this is why I am confused. Maybe I should just stick to the plan, and go along, besides its all too early to tell. I know my gut feeling will tell me what to do."

02/11/08

"I was surprised when Charlie called a while ago (11pm). Well not that surprised but nevertheless I was still surprised, because he said earlier that he would call. We were able to chat earlier at around 4 pm. He told me that he missed me and I told him that I missed him too, and that's the truth. He missed me a lot that he has been acting kinda wierd lately. Well not that wierd totally because I wanted him to be like this. He asked permission to court me all the time while we were chatting I feel like I am floating. He was saying flowery words and I will be true because I liked it. I like him and I don't care if he's not that gorgeous, because to me he is gorgeous enough. I hope that this goes well, I am just afraid that the same mistake I made with Joey will happen again. But then again these are all fears. Just fears and like all fears I can surely conquer them. What is important is at least I tried. Mistakes happen for a reason. I still want to think that maybe, just maybe, its Charlie this time."

02/12/08

"Charlie and I were able to chat again earlier. We talked about a lot of things. What I liked about him, what he liked about me, and other stuff. I told him what I think about him the first time I met him. I can't really describe the way I felt all the time we're talking. I was smiling, blushing and felt light-headed. It was something unusual to me because I never felt this before. Though I like him, Im afraid to fall for him yet, because it's too early. I just want to take things slow, and not rush and I hope Im right about this."

02/13/08

"My relatonship with Charlie has gone from a simple chatmate to somethin special. He calls me heart now. I am happy he does, but I am still confused, because there are a lot of things on my mind that is doubting my sanity, if my decision is correct. Well, I am not sure of long distance relationships, if it works. Ofcourse I still want him, but I want him beside me, so that I can tell him personally, or better yet so that I can let him feel that I fallen for him, that I treasure him, that I care for him, because its more than words can tell. I sound cheesy now. Am I in love? I hope not yet, because I dont want to get hurt in case, but isn't it true that to love we must feel pain as well. I am really confused. I hope I can maintain my composure for as long as I can, for as long as I need to be."

02/15/08

"Its 11:16 pm and Im thinking of Charlie. I really miss him. This is what Im afraid of, that if ever I decide to go and make out with him, I'll be doomed to be like this, always paranoid, always worried, always thinking of him. Certainly I dont want this but I dont want to lose him either. I think all I need to do is to distract myself for the time being. I need to make myself busy so that I'll lose focus on thinking too much crap."

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Is getting older synonymous with getting wiser?

Four days from now I will be a year older, but I have been thinking, will I also be a lot wiser? I think so and I hope too because right now I am stuck in my 'twilight zone' and it sucks. I am disconcerted with the thought of doing something or waiting for something to happen and from taking a big leap or accepting that I am contented with the bubble I made for myself.

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