I wonder what happened to you...because every now and then you cross my mind...and I can't keep my mind from thinking beyond the box...from what should be...and when that happens...I instantly become morose...I am still grateful...for the past...and I'd be grateful still if I even crossed your mind too...but I can't be like this forever...I cannot wait for you all my life...because if it's not you...then someone else will come...and somehow I will regret that...because deep within me...I am sure...it is you I want...and no one else...but just like what I said...I wont expect...that's the least I'd do...regretful maybe...but sad is more exact...I can never hate you nor think bad of you...even if I have reason to doubt you...I just can't...so...I wait...patiently...until my thread snaps...I'd be stuck in inanity and wishful thinking...until I become enlightened.

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A letter to YOU

Hey YOU,

I guess after YOU have read this letter many questions run through your mind. Well, many questions clog my mind too. So we're like the same. But I don't think those questions are not meant for me to answer.

But before anything else, I gotta say that I am happy. Many people say a lot about the things, and events that happened in my life but I don't blame them. It's natural for people, especially those close to our hearts to meddle in our affairs. They may affect the way I decide on things but it's still me who gets to decide after all.

I esteem your perseverance. Your study habits I'd like to adopt but unfortunately I can't hehehe or I wont try. YOUr dedication to your studies is simply admirable.

I am happy that I still get to meet YOU every once in a while. My friends say, "here we go again" but I digress. I don't know the reasons behind the way things happen and I don't care , for if I begin to delve deeper into the reasons behind, when I bringing myself to understand why things are, the more it becomes unfathomable, the more it becomes complex. It kills the mojo if you know what I mean. That's why as much as possible, I never try to rationalize. Just be content that's all. So I am content of what I have right now. No expectations, no hassle. So as long as you want me to be in your life, I'll be there. No questions asked. And if YOU decide to go and move on, I'll still be okay.

And another thing, I wanna say thank YOU. I know you have a great heart. YOU may never know but YOU are a part of the great tapestry of people who weaved my personality. It's cliche though to say "never change" coz that's impossible. So instead just be who YOU are. coz no matter who you become I'd still be down with it. (Just don't be an asshole or I'll be gone before you know it hehe)

Always,

Paul

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The MAN Gospel

I'd like to share a post that caught my attention. I want to let this serve as a reminder, for myself, especially now that I encounter crossroads and roadblocks more often, and for others too. Read on.

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.

Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.
Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to
be.
Slower is better.
Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly
happy.
If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you
deserve
then heck no, you can't "be friends".
A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend. Don't settle.
If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
Don't stay because you think "it will get better."
You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not
better.
The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women.
He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you
any
differently?
Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.
If something bothers you, speak up.
Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.
You cannot change a man's behavior.
Change comes from within.
Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he
has
more education or in a better job.
Do not make him into a quasi-god.
He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
Never let a man define who you are.
Never borrow someone else's man.
If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
All men are NOT dogs.
You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two
way
street.
You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute
about
baggage...
Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.
You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...
a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals...
look for someone complimentary...
not supplementary.
Dating is fun...
even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.
Make him miss you sometimes...
when a man always know where you are, and you're always readily
available to
him
- he takes it for granted.
Never move into his mother's house.
Never co-sign for a man.
Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you
need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

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I should move on......

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Messed up...

Doesn't it suck to lose every time? Isn't it cliche to hear about failed same sex relationships? 'coz I'm tired of hearing it too, I am tired of the same, failed, messed up, make believe relationships I had or I thought I had.

Last night it was hard to breath, I felt like something really heavy was crushing me down. A sudden burst of panic rushed in and when all the adrenaline was gone, it was obvious to me that I am shattered. I am messed up. Isn't this line familiar?

It was all clear to me that I am not his priority. It was his studies, or his girlfriend, or some new fuckbuddy he now has, or I-Don't-Really-Care-What-The-Fuck-Is-His-Problem anyway. He is clearly ignoring me. When I try to console him, try to bring him to explain his sudden distance, he just denies, and for a second I will be content with it, but after that, doubt wins over and then comes the pain, like a flood, drowning, suffocating.

Now, I am trying to convince myself that what I need is a distraction. I guess I am right. I can't obsess about him all the time, I'd kill myself if I do. I can't be this messed up. I can't...I shouldn't be. I aint. I wont. Dammit!

Maybe its my fault? Is it too soon? Am I expecting too much from him? Am I demanding things beyond what he can only give? But what's wrong with that? If he doesn't value me as much as I value him, then he is not worth my time, my attention, my love. Now I do sound like I am really convincing myself.

I am dying on the inside. I am dying to see him. I am dragged down by his gravity.

Get this over and done with...I wish it was that simple. :{

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When is the right time to let go...

When is the right time to let go of a person....

When he has caused doubt?

when he has caused so much confusion?

when he has caused you to break beyond repair?

I am now at the crossroads where at this point, I have to decide on something. This relationship or whatever it is that I have with Mark, whether make believe or my wishful thinking, is making me doubt myself. All of the haze has dissipated and I can now see clearly that this spells DEFEAT.

When I already know that I am clearly defeated will I surrender that easy?

I am now lost in a sea of confusion, I can't seem to decide whether to let go or not...I need help.

I walk alone in this road holding this thin thread grasping tightly as I move on and as I walk I bleed for this thin thread is too sharp for me to hold I cling to the pain for I don't want to cut the ever growing thread I look back this thread ever growing, ever bleeding in this winding road alone I stop and think for this pain is too much I let go of this thread and I thought I might regret tick...tack...tick...tack and I remember I must go on I moved on but I look back and I see the thread Ever vanishing, ever clearing is the road I linger from this thought from time to time ever vanishing, ever dying is myself.

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Mutterings of the heart..or mind?

"Who is Mark?"

I mean, who is he really? I do not know for sure. One thing is for sure though...I like him. Really...really like him. Now, what seems to be the problem why am I suddenly writing this article?

"I do not know..."

I have met him in this website (PR) and we have known each other for about a month now. We constantly meet once or twice a week, and we have this certain chemistry, I don't know if this is the spark people talk about, but, it's not that important, just as he likes me too, and we still meet once or twice a week, everything's cool. Except my head is jamming my mojo, skipped beats, spinning, nausea, black out. No, I'm not suffering from vertigo again. I just hate this. I'm supposed to be seeing butterflies, everything going slow or something. It's just messed up, I am messed up.

When I first met him, he told me that he has extra baggage, that he was already taken. I proposed an idea that was actually a subtle hint that I want to take him, make him mine, but I guess I was just diffident, wary, scared of too many things, too coward to talk and be heard. He said that I already know that he was taken, more like telling me I can't go into a relationship just now. Well, he has a point there. One, it's too early to be in a relationship with him. Two, I barely know him.

"I'm always like this...messed up."

What is really messing up my mojo? My paranoid self. This constant nibbling, what is he doing when he's out there, Is he seeing someone?, Is he having sex with somebody else? Maybe he is seeing someone...oh and I already said that. jeez.

I really don't like it. Makes me sound like I'm nuts, but this is real, and I'm not telling this to get sympathy. I just want to puke it all out. Just get rid of it, because I really like him. I really do. I still want to see his hypnotizing smile, his gorgeous, melancholic eyes that instantly melts my heart away, his almost perfect body, his lips...okay it's not that obvious that I like him. Because I know that this wont get me far, and I wont get anything from this, might even lose him.

"Just listen..."

It all started yesterday, when I asked him, "you're always busy, I only see you go to school, and then get back home, or study then sleep. do you not get burned out?" and he said, "that's why I always meet with my friends, my girlfriend, and of course with you." That moment instead of feeling grateful that he mentioned me, or my company, I felt envious instead, jealous, bitter. Why does he have to meet with his girlfriend? and then...of course, he met her first. well, that's true. But I can't seem to grasp that idea (or refuse to grasp it). Part of what I have to accept when I agreed to become exclusive with him is that he has a girlfriend and that he can't commit. At first, it was easy to accept, because I was still in a love spell, but now when all the haze started to dissipate, I started to see the loose ends. Man, this isn't fun at all.

I want to become his and he mine. I want to know him and his friends. I want him to initiate to send a message and not the other way around. I want to become honest with him, talk about anything, not feel awkward even if he knows the nitty gritty of my whole personality. I want to hold his hand in public. I want to become comfortable with him, even if I talk about the bad habit of biting my nails when I'm anxious, or the dandruff I get whenever I'm stressed. In short...I want him, I really do.

"You will find the one you are looking for, but he will leave you..."

I told him this morning about this guy who foretold that I will find my ideal guy but eventually he will leave me, though he never specified why he would leave, or how he would leave me, this came to me when I was awakened by his loud snoring. The twilight outside gave no remorse over my seemingly cold body (I was half naked that's why). I realized, I found him...will he really leave me? I tried to muster all the answer I can get, but unfortunately, it still remained a question.

"So where do I go from here?"

Nowhere, I must remain here. Whether I still go afloat, finding meaning, answers, or grab on to something, to keep me grounded, one thing is still obvious, I still care for him too much to just let my pride and my paranoid self ruin this ivory tower or whatever it is that I have with him. They say, just be happy and content that you have him, and I say Amen! that is so true, but the problem with me is that I am always discontent. So this constant war with myself I will bear on for as long as I live. For as long as I have feelings for Mark. Now, who is Mark? scroll back and read it all over again. ^^

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The saddest song I've ever heard

So after a very long hiatus, I'm back for more articles. So...why the long hiatus you say? it's just this...I've been in this path...downward...more like of a quicksand, since I started working, and was lost, now...I'm still working my way back, slowly, one step at a time. I'll not elaborate this path further but I should say, It's nothing serious. So on with my article.

I was surfing comingsoon.net when I stumbled upon "Tales from Earthsea". It somehow rang a bell, because I loved Ursula K. Le Guin's Earthsea series, I was suddenly excited to see what this is about. And then I learned that the son of the famous Hayao Miyazaki, director of the award-winning Howl's Moving Castle and Spirited Away, Goro Miyazaki was the director of this stunning anime. Though Ursula K. Le Guin herself did not approve of this anime, still I think this was worth watching.

There was a scene in the movie where the character Teru, was singing this amazingly sorrowful song. I was like hypnotized by it more when I found the lyrics and what it meant (because it was japanese)...I feel that every time I listen to it, I am at peace yet an overwhelming feeling of sadness rushes in afterwards. Somehow the thought of a solitary life is sad...but the premise at the end of the song suggests hope. It is a wonderful song indeed. Here it is...the song Teru no Uta (Teru's song) from Gedo Senki (Tales from Earthsea), hope you like it.

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Happy New Year!

I was expecting a very dismal new year, in fact, I kinda expected not to celebrate the passing of 2009, because I was on duty last night. It was actually difficult to condition myself to not to expect anything much more to deny that I was feeling sullenly morose. So I went on, woke up, singing my heart out, to vent my frustration. Until I came to the hospital.

It was another typical night duty at the hospital, nothing particularly special, except that people are more giddy, smiling with greetings and all. I tried to mask my frustration by feeling excited to contribute to our small new year feast. And as time passed, I was distracted by fireworks lighting up the sky as midnight neared. One of my colleagues suggested that we go the rooftop of the hospital. She said the view was breath-taking, and I agreed. A quarter before midnight, we came to the rooftop, and I was just speechless. The view was astounding, it was like seeing the universe unfold before my eyes. The dazzling display of fireworks seemed like stars exploding in the black canvass of the night sky. And just like that, morose no more, I forgot about all the weariness of the past year fade away. It was a happy new year indeed. I wouldn't exchange it for anything.

Thanks to my colleagues, and my friends who were there with me, I should say, all that happened last year was all worth it because it all happened for a reason. Thank you dear Lord for the past year, and I look forward for a prosperous year ahead.

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