Desperation

>> Friday, August 8, 2008

This is an excerpt from my journal written January 25, 2008. This is a reply from my blog "Uncertainty". Here it is...

"Earlier i found out through Marison that our application at PHC is still hanging. She called and she found out that those that applied last january 2007 was still being processed, so far from the date we applied which is october of that same year.
I felt sad when i learned from Marison the bitter truth. I felt as if my knees gave away to gravity. All of my plans now are ruined. My plan to work at PHC and become a cardiovascular nurse and eventually use the experience to my advantage when I'm able to study again and earn my MSN degree at UCSF.
I know that I'm a control freak. I always plan ahead and ponder on things twice, thrice even four times until I've settled all the consequences of my decision, until it becomes seemingly perfect, although nothing is perfect. When a single piece is changed, I feel anxious, because I'm not used to making decisions so quickly. I'll have no time to think about the consequences of my decision. I'm not born to be a risk-taker, but is it bad?
My friend Gersie is as always the opposite of me, but look at him, he's survived it all, and I believe that if he can do it so can I. All i need perhaps is a push from a friend. But truth is not even my closest friends can because even though they can tell me positive things, it still depends on me whether I step forward or hesitate back.
Today is also Ivy's birthday, she is my bestfriend. She has told me once that she can take me to Dubai. Yesterday she asked me again if I want to go there, and yes I have to ponder again as much as I can if this is good or bad, but this time I have to move on, I have to make a decision, because I just cant stand here and be left out. Luck favors the brave, and so in order for me to succeed I must be strong and resolute. I have to make a choice once and for all."

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